Saturday, 28 February 2009

Ryanair to Charge for Inflight Toilet Use

The chief executive of budget airline Ryanair, Mick O'Leering, while imbibing a few pints with old mate Des Murphy, the travel correspondent of the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette, declared in a half-pissed faux pas that the Dublin-based carrier is looking at installing a "coin slot on the toilet door”.

O’Leering added “It’s dis fuckin’ recession puttin’ der pressure on us, yer know, so we’re gonna have ter charge der punters a pound ter spend a penny.”
“Yer never know, if we feeds der passengers mobs of cut-price Guinness and steamin’ hot vindaloo curries, den we could well make a fair killin’ in profits at a quid per potty run.”

However O’Leering’s intentions have met with staunch criticism from IATA and the airline consumer group Crash-n-Sue Travel, who both stated Ryanair was putting "profit before passengers".

Candida Twatrot, head of research at Crash-n-Sue Travel, said: "It seems Ryanair is prepared to plumb any depth to make a fast buck and, once again, is putting profit before the comfort of its customers.”
"Charging people to go to the toilet might result in fewer people buying overpriced drinks on board and eating their crap snacks and dog-eared stale sandwiches.”
“Seriously, if this is Ryanair’s idea of sound business practice, then I’ve seen better organised riots. Passengers scratting around for change and pound coins while bursting for a pee, or worse, is simply going to end up like a Chinese fire drill.”

Ryanair's PR chief Paddy Fuctifino later played down the idea, saying: "I don't think it's going to happen in the foreseeable future".
"It's just another one of those embarrassing moments that crop up when our daft cunt of a boss gets on the piss and starts gobbing off about ways of making a quick buck out of his passengers."
Conversely, in a cryptic aside, he added: "I don't think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound in their pocket.”

Last week Ryanair confirmed it planned to close all of its own airport check-in desks by the end of the year in a bid to reduce the cost of its flights even further, with some gutter press hacks suggesting that Ryanair would soon be paying passengers to fly with them.

While Ryanair aims to offer low basic ticket prices, it intends to have passengers stow their own luggage in the cargo holds, carry out pre-flight checks, refuel the aircraft, and, on longer haul flights, to act as co-pilots and stewardesses. IATA recently described Ryanair as a ‘circus without a tent’.

Michael Sheamus O’Leering, multi-millionaire CEO of Ryanair, started his working career as an apprentice wheelbarrow mechanic, whose entry into the air travel industry came about through selling kites and balloons at Pikey car boot sales around Mulligatawny in his home province of County Clot.
Described by friends and enemies alike as ‘a bit of a thick spud’ and ‘having a lot of mongrel in his genes’, O’Leering’s charismatic personality nevertheless led to him becoming a motivational speaker for the False IRA, before switching his allegiance to the Real IRA.

His entry into Eire’s Parliament in 1976 saw him made the youngest member of Prime Minister Flanagan’s Cabinet at 15 years old, where he headed the Ministry for Turnips as he was the only one who could count past ten, use large numbers and understood the meaning of big words.
He joined Ryanair after winning a lifetime directorship in an online Irish Braille Suduko competition in 1991.

Ryanair has been criticised for some of its practices and was voted the "least favourite airline" in a 2006 poll by the Angler’s Weekly News, with rival low cost airline Plummet-Jet coming second.
One reason cited, relative to other airlines, was unfriendly and complacent staff who were in the habit of telling complaining passengers to “Go fuck yerself.”
Critics have attacked its hidden "taxes", fees and limited customer services and charged that it practises deceptive advertising.

In November 2006, it was revealed as the subject of more complaints than any other airline in the known Universe.
60% of all complaints to Ireland's regulatory Commission for Pigeons and Planes were about Ryanair, amounting to four hundred thousand complaints per half-million passengers each year.

O'Leering himself has a evolved a somewhat fiery reputation among both his competitors in the airline industry and regulators.
Many press articles have described him as arrogant, and prone to making comments which he later regrets.
While being questioned by the media on Ryanair’s plans to cut greenhouse gas emissions last year he dropped his pants, mooned the press, and let go a tremendous narly fart, with the comment “How’s dat fer monitorin’ me carbon footprint?”
O'Leering once jokingly described the airline's first-class travel experience as featuring "free beds wid a blowjob an’ a prostate massage thrown in.”

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Jack Straw Targeted by 419 Scamsters

Slack Jack Straw, now Injustice Secretary after assuming more positions for the Labour government than a Kama Sutra houri in Paradise, has become the victim of 419 scam fraudsters who sent out thousands of e-mails in his name asking for money.
Original suspects Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling, interviewed by police officers yesterday, have denied any involvement in the affair.

The Nigerian advance fee fraud or '419' scam (named after the relevant section of the Nigerian Criminal Code) is a popular sting with the West African organised criminal networks who are now also operating from UK and European bases.

The scam e-mail, which was sent to Labour party members, council chiefs and Ministry of Injustice officials, said Mr Straw was travelling in Africa to see how the other half lived, and was sent from an address in Nigeria's largest city of Peckham.

The e-mail claimed Straw had his wallet lifted while enjoying a traditional Yoruba holistic reflexology session at one of Lagos’ local Rub and Tug massage parlours and was left destitute, begging for scraps to eat and sleeping in a cardboard box.

Mr Straw confirmed the e-mails had been sent to a ‘significant number of people’ in his e-addy book but he said there were no security issues as it was his Blackburn e-mail address rather than his ministerial account that was targeted, so no scandal cover-ups or MI6 false flag operation details were available to the scamsters.

However as Straw is renown around Westminster and his Blackburn constituency as a ‘right scrounging cunt’, many recipients of the begging e-mails responded and sent him money via a Western Union office in Lagos.

Straw told his local newspaper the Lancashire Shitraker: "I started getting phone calls from various constituents and Labour MP’s asking if I was really stuck in Nigeria and needed $3,000.

The fraudsters, suspected by police to be from the local O’Dinga Contract Cleaning Services, are thought to have hacked into computers at Mr Straw's Blackburn constituency offices while they were carrying out their scheduled floor polishing, light dusting and flower arranging duties recently.

Internet fraud police have now traced the IP computer source address of the e-mails to a certain Mr. Rastus Umboka of 419, Nigeria Terrace, Peckham.

Did you receive a begging e-mail from Justice Minister Jack Straw in Nigeria, asking for a few quid to help him out ? Did you wire him any money or tell him to get fucked?

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Who actually pays the rent at 419 Nigeria Terrace, Peckham ?
Would you like to buy a copy of our “419 Scams for Dummies”

Fill in our online questionnaire below, providing details of your bank sort code and account number and we’ll enter you in our free £££ Millions Super 419 Scam Lotto Draw.
Remember: You’ve got to be in it to win it !

Friday, 27 February 2009

RBS Boss Scoops Pension Bonanza

Royal Bank of Scumland boss Sir Fred Good-for-nothing, who recently quit as the bank’s CEO, has scooped a record-breaking “Rewards for Failure” pension bonanza.

Four months after fucking up the finances of the Royal Bank of Scumland, the former chief executive is under fire for the generosity of his £650,000-a-year pension.

Commonly described as a greedy, grasping cunt by fellow loss-generating bankers, Sir Fred's position became untenable as the bank was propped up with £20bn of taxpayers money - now bolstered by a further £13bn cash injection.

Sir Fred was in charge at RBS for nine years and steered it from being a global icon and one of the world's top five banks into a penniless financial calamity of Biblical proportions due his inept investment policies and gross incompetence.
His committing the RBS to continuing sponsorship of the Williams Formula One team and the Six Nations rugby union championship are now viewed as the acts of a ‘spendthrift dildo’.

The current line of thought directed towards bankers and their ‘obscene’ salaries, bonuses and pensions by the British public is that they be pilloried, lashed and stoned, or crucified, after having a septic cormorant stuffed up their back passage: beak-first.

Treasury spokewoman Candida Mingerot told the finance correspondent for the Hedgehog Stampers Weekly that Mr. Good-for-nothing’s refusal to give up his £693,000-a-year pension was "unfortunate and unacceptable".

The new RBS chairman Sir Hugh Jampton, appointed earlier this month, said he had asked Mr. Good-for-nothing two weeks ago to voluntarily reduce the pension but had been told to go and ‘fuck himself’.

While the average single status old age British pauper is expected to survive on a retirement pension figure of £90:70p per week, Good-for-nothing’s annual pension of £693,000 divvies up at a modest £13,326 per week.

Speaking to the prestigious financial publication, The Greedy Twats Gazette, in an off-the-record accord, Good-for-nothing explained “How the fuck am I supposed to live off a shitty ninety quid a week pension after the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to. That amount wouldn’t even pay the parking fines for me effin’ Bentley.”

He further stated he voluntarily agreed to a series of ‘gestures’ in October, when he was negotiating his departure from the bank, such as foregoing compensation for his lost tea and coffee allowance, and the gratis weekly copies of the Beano, and Dandy, and Banker’s Weekly comic books.

So, to reflect on the New Testament’s Matthew 16:26 quote of : What doth it profit a man ….etc, et al ? What doth it profit this man? : £13,326 a week for life – that’s what – and the immortal soul be fucked !

Super-Mandy Saves Royal Mail

Yes, New Labour PM Gordon (we didn’t vote for you) Brown’s recently-appointed Business Secretary ‘Peter Super-Mandelson’ comes to the rescue of the ailing Royal Mail and saves it from extinction due it’s inability to evolve.

Faster than a speeding mullet, more powerful than a marauding hamster, Super-Mandy, aka, Vermin in Ermine, strikes yet again to steer Britain’s debt-ridden, bankrupt arse out of shit creek.

Peter ‘Mandy’ Mandelson, the ex-Labour MP for Faggotpool, whose frequency of being fired from cabinet posts got his name into the ‘Political Scandals’ section of the Guinness Book of World Records, has now managed to have his bony arse inducted into the dodgy deviant ranks of the House of Lords with the fitting title ‘Baron Mandelson of Slime’.

Despite vehement criticism from the Post Office ‘Communication Workers Union’ who oppose the privatisation or break-up of the Royal Mail, Mandelson stands by his controversial plans to sell off 30% of the company as the only way to ensure court default notices, and council tax, utilities and credit card bills continue to be delivered promptly to every recession-plagued home in the UK.

Further, Mandy’s scheme has met strong criticism from both Lib-Dem and Conservative shadow ministers for communications, with accusations of him serving the demands of his NWO banking masters over the privatisation to the detriment of the many and benefit of the few.

Sir Wolfram Gizzard, Tory MP for Twatford-on-the-Wold, demanded Parliament investigate claims that the Royal Mail sell-off was linked to Mandelson being one of the Rothchild’s six-string Muppets and the sale would not be tendered but rather presented on a silver platter to parties of self-interest : specifically Russian oligarch Oleg Scumsky.

Scumsky, who boasts his own navy and air force, and three of the UK’s Premier league football clubs, pawned his moral franchise in the final days of Boris Yeltsin’s reign, making billions from the sale of everything than wasn’t screwed down across the USSR.

With rumours rife that the real reasons for the sell-off is to conceal the Royal Mail's huge pension fund £6 billion deficit, and who is responsible for this fuck-up of Biblical proportions, Mandelson countered that the rise of e-mail meant the old style postal services (message in bottle, pony express, pigeon post, man with forked stick bearing message) would never be profitable in their current forms.

Hence Mandelson plans on introducing a Royal Mail monopoly of First Class and Second Class e-mail services, so what you now get from your internet service provider, or Yahoo / MSN, for zilch you will, under Baron Slime’s topsy-turvy make-believe scheme, hereafter pay a privatised Royal Mail e-service a premium rate. To wit : 75 pence for First Class e-mail (instant delivery) and 55 pence for Second Class (next day delivery, perhaps).

Mandelson, who started his political career as a junior sphincter stretcher, told the communications correspondent from the Lobster Strangler’s Gazette that he wished to combine 21st Century e-technology with the original foundation stone principles of the Royal Mail.
As Sudan and Ethiopia had both recently joined the EU then he wished to replenish the ranks of our traditional arthritic postmen with an influx of fuzzy-wuzzies from Darfur and Eritrea which would form the core of the Royal Mail’s reintroduction of its famous “Penny Black” service, as poverty-stricken African gollies would run around in bare feet, all day and night, delivering letters and parcels, and work for Pennies.

Gutter press rumours are rife that PM Gordon Brown has asked Mandelson, once he's finished taking the ‘Royal’ out of Royal Mail, to run for Parliament again and further tempted his power-hungry palate with a newly-created cabinet post of Minister for Buggery and Skullduggery.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Healthy Lifestyle the Way to Beat Cancer

Over 90% of cancer cases in rich countries are preventable through diet, physical activity and weight control alone, experts from B & Q’s Slimming & Diet section told reporters.

Apparently simple measures like getting off your lazy fat arse and walking to the local Unemployment Centre to pick up your Job Seekers allowance instead of taking the car can make all the difference between good health and chronic illness.

Globally, each year, there are millions of these preventable cancer cases, according to estimates recently published by Gardening Weekly.
Arthur Fuctifino, cancer correspondent for the paper, said: "We’re expecting a substantial increase in cancer rates with people becoming television-addicted couch spuds and living off foods and drinks that I wouldn’t feed to me fuckin’ dogs.”
“All they need is to get some fruits, grains and salads down their necks. It’s real easy considering one tablespoon of organic cottage cheese and one of cold-pressed flax oil, taken daily, not only prevents cancer but cures it as well. Throw in the occasional red chilli, a knob of ginger and a clove of raw garlic and you’re good for a Century : fighting-fit healthy and cancer-free.”

Prof. Donald Scrunt, healthy living columnist for the Scaffolder’s Gazette, told BBC 2’s ‘Nation of Sickies’ programme that the government should bulldoze every Chew & Spew fast food outlet in the country and publicly flog supermarket managers who stock food, drink and toiletry products containing carcinogenic preservatives and colourings, and other noxious elements such as ground glass, polystyrene, depleted uranium and dubious neuro-toxic additives like fluoride and aspartame.

Conversely, Sir Harris Porkscratching, Tory MP for East Twatford and Chairman of the British Coffin Makers Association, told the media that “If we have everyone on a raw food diet, eating fruits and veggies and getting healthy, then the entire NHS system will collapse.”
“The NHS was designed around treating sickness, not promoting good health. Just think of all those doctors and nurses out of work with no more sickies to treat and having to rely on accident or gang-related violence patients to keep the hospitals going.”

“Plus the undertaking industry will go into recession, with cemetery gravediggers and crematorium staff thrown out of work. And look at big Pharma’ too – if the public get healthy then they won’t need any more medicines, and my shares in the drug companies will be worthless.”
“Keep the British public smoking and drinking, and eating high cholesterol fatty foods. Bugger the exercise - that causes hernias and heart attacks.”

The NHS’s cancer treatment industry’s ‘Chemotherapy Review’ today published a list of crucial anti-cancer Do’s & Don’ts :

If you smoke – cigarettes, bacon or kippers – give up.
Don’t drink the red, white or pink chemical shit that sells for £3 a bottle and poses as wine on supermarket shelves.
Read the label on a can of Stella before drinking it.
Do eat more raw fruits and salads.
Do turn the TV off and get out for some body and soul-enhancing exercise.
Avoid junk / fast food outlets like the Plague.
Bin the hands-free cellphone receiver stapled to your ear 24/7.
Don’t hang around nuclear testing sites.
Don’t let your children play with radioactive waste.

Another Cultural First for Dark Ages Saudi ?

It would be bizarre in any country to find that its sexy lingerie shops are staffed entirely by blokes: especially blokes dressed in bed sheets with gingham tea towels on their heads.
But in the topsy-turvey Dark Ages culture of ‘Wahhabi Islam’ in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, where a low-cut burkha’s the closest thing to a naughty nightie and cross-dressers are stoned to death, the rules of Never-Ever Land apply.

The ‘Ann Summers’ lingerie franchise in Jeddah was recently closed by the Gestapo-tactic forces of the retard Muttawa religious police after some errant male had his libido so stimulated after peering into the store’s window he became priapically aroused and sexually assaulted a passing goat.

The ‘Victoria’s Secret’ line of sexy lingerie stores in the kingdom go under a local franchise name ‘Houris of Paradise’ but are not allowed to carry the brand’s famous line of peephole bra’s, crotchless panties or slit-slicing thongs. Still, even erotic boxers and jockey shorts for ladies are a first step in cultural evolution.

While single females are barred from buying such salacious articles of underwear as worn by the Babylon whores of the Great Satan, married women are allowed their purchase to emulate those voluptuous dark-eyed Perpetual Virgins of Paradise and stimulate the erogenous delights of their husbands to become the sexiest little shag in the harem.

"The way that underwear is being sold in Saudi Arabia is simply not acceptable to a female population living anywhere in the modern world," says Mrs. Reamed bin Sodom, a three hole sex lecturer at Dar al-Dickme Women's College in Jeddah, who is leading a campaign to get women working in lingerie shops rather than men.

"Girls don't feel very comfortable when males are selling them lingerie, telling them what size they need, and saying 'I think this might be too tight around those cute little buns’ or, ‘Me and my brother think the gusset on this tiny thong might pinch your pussy lips'.”
"These guys are totally checking the women out! It's just not appropriate, sizing and eyeing the women up and fantasizing what the woman would look like naked; viewing us as Heavenly Maiden virgins to fuel their sordid masturbation fantasies.”

Mrs. bin Sodom’s campaign began on Saudi’s social networking equivalent of Facebook : their Islamic-own ‘Sandbox’ website, and is gradually getting larger.
Even Mohammed al Numpty, Chair Sheikh of Saudi Arabia's male-dominated Press Club is starting to take note, with several newspapers reporting on her fight.

However the situation is all the more frustrating because the relevant legislation is already in place.
In 2006, Sheikh Well Before Using, the incumbent Minister of Slavery and Women’s Rights, passed a law stating women should be allowed to staff any shops that sell women's items, be it clothing, personal vibrators, Ben Wah balls or underwear. But the law has still not been properly implemented due opposition from the die-hard Muttawa religious fundamentalists

While this is denied as being the official reason, another probable contributing cause is that hiring female staff would put a lot of men out of work - not a popular move in a country where 99.9% of Saudi men are unemployed and refuse to get off their lazy fat arses while the oil-rich nation can afford to import cheap Muslim labour from around Asia.

There are also Saudi Arabia's Mad Mullah Muslim clerics to contend with, to whom any form of change is total anathema.
They, and the Muttawa religious Inquisition, wield a great deal of power in the kingdom and still believe a woman's natural environment is either in the kitchen : cooking - or bent over the kitchen table, legs akimbo (goat bonking fashion) ready to please her husband 24/7.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Straw Nixes Release of Incriminating Cabinet Minutes

Minutes of New Labour's 2003 cabinet meetings in which ministers discussed PM Tony Bliar’s motivation for declaring a false flag illegal war against Iraq will not be made public, Injustice Secretary Jack Straw has ruled.

Jack ‘trust me’ Straw, the Labour MP for Twatford-on-Sea, is well known in Parliament as a jukebox politician (put a few coins in and they’ll dance to any tune you like).

His detractors view him as a frog who dreams of being a toad, and who pawned his moral francise and the ability to tell the truth when he joined New Labour’s cabinet ranks.

Straw, interviewed leaving a BUPA clinic where he had been undergoing treatment for chronic phimosis and an ingrowing foreskin, told reporters his political Masters had ordered him not to permit the release of records from 2003 discussions over the invasion of Iraq because it would cause too much ‘damage’ to democracy.

Asked by the media to elaborate the ‘too much damage to democracy' statement, Straw replied : "The release of the minutes will prove to be not so much an embarrassment but constitute a case of treason and grounds to charge ex-PM Bliar, Lord Goldslime and the entire 2003 cabinet with crimes against humanity.

The Muppet-faced Straw, looking like a refugee from a Spitting Images audition, evolved his congenital liar skills while in charge of the Home Office and later as Foreign Minister, and readily admits that he couldn’t tell the truth if he didn’t have a lie ready.

“It’s all part of the New Labour plan,” he told the political correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly. "If we started telling the truth then the common herd would catch on to our wheeler-dealings and result in a revolution and anarchy.”

In a candid aside, over a long and heavy lunch at ‘Shites’, an elite London club, Straw confided to the bill-footing reporters dining with him : “If I okayed the release of the Iraqi war decision cabinet minutes then the truth would be out that Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction was one of Tony’s main ‘weapons of mass distraction’ to get us into attacking Iraq.”

“That’s why we had to knock off David Kelly when he started wandering around and blathering to every sod and his dog that Saddam didn’t have any nukes or bio-chemical WMD’s and presented no danger to the West.”

Liberal Democrat MP for the Great Wall of China and Shadow Minister for Elderly Care, Sir Ming Campbell, said Straw’s decision was "profoundly disappointing as their revelations would hopefully cause a general election scenario."
Sir Mong criticised Straw using a clause in the Freedom of Information Act to block the release of details of the cabinet meetings in which the Iraq war's legality was debated solely because such release would do "serious damage" to Gordon’s Brown’s charade of a government and simply catered to individual Labour interests of self-preservation.

Sir Rupert Fuctifino,Tory MP for the Skeleton Coast and Shadow Secretary for Taxidermy, agreed with Campbell, telling reporters in an off-the-record aside that Straw was covering his own arse as the minutes of the cabinet discussions would reveal what a duplicious little cunt he was, and the public would find out who ordered MI5 to snuff David Kelly.

SNP spokesman Angus McTwat, described Straw’s move as a "blatant cover-up" and said an inquiry was needed so that lessons could be learnt from New Labour’s "worst foreign policy fuck up since their last worst foreign policy fuck up.”

However, Straw shrugged aside Parliamentary and media criticisms of his actions, stating “It’s in the British public’s best interests not to know the truth: about the 2001 WTC 9/11 attacks, Iraq’s lack of WMD’s or the 2005 7/7 London Tube bombings. We do these things to protect you. I’m a British Patriot, never forget that”

“Patriotism, as all students of history will know, is the last refuge of political scoundrels

Do you believe your name might have been mentioned during the Iraq invasion cabinet discussions?
Do you build weapons of mass distraction in your garden shed?
Have you ever worked as a Jolly Jihad suicide bomb martyr?
Have you ever been on an extreme rendition flight to sunny Iraq?

Fill in our online Freedom of Information request form below and some thugs from MI5 will call round to slash your wrists the next time you go for a walk in the neighbouring woods.

Anti-Semitism Flag Now Waved By Jewish Criminals

In what is becoming a burgeoning tool of political convenience, anti-Semitism, now patented and claimed by the Jews exclusively, is being thrust into the face of Justice as a defence against conviction for criminal offences.

Zionists have been working towards claiming anti-Semitism as their personal and private reserve since the end of WW2 and the collapse of the Nazi regime, eventually forging the lie into one of the pillars of their Holohoax fiction to justify the theft of Palestine and the illegal establishment of the state of Israel. (Palestinian and Arab Semites have been disenfranchised from using the term, especially when Israeli Zionist pseudo-Semites invade Gaza for a spot of ethnic cleansing and a Rwanda-style practice genocide run).

Now they seem to have evolved their nauseating routine into a counter against criminal charges and convictions too, claiming if they look Jewish then courtroom juries will discriminate against them. Obviously if the jury is composed of Jews and they find against the defendant, then they’ll be labelled as self-hating kikes and Holohoax deniers.

In Smegmadale, attorneys for a kosher abattoir and the former CEO, charged after the plant was raided by immigration officials, demanded a federal judge dismiss the case or move the trial to Yid-friendly Israel, claiming anti-Jewish bias in the grand jury that one lawyer compared to Roman-era Judea.

Shnozzer Slimeberg, the former CEO of Rothschild Spam Inc., faces 97 charges, including immigration-related counts and bank fraud.
Slimeberg, three other defendants and the company were indicted after 389 people were arrested in an immigration raid at the Shitsville plant, at the time the nation's largest kosher abattoir

Slimeberg himself, the type of man who makes you want to count your fingers after shaking hands with him, is accused of helping illegal immigrants get fake documents so they could work at the plant for what court accountants termed ‘a pittance’.

His attorney, Gus Crook and Rothschild Spam Inc. attorney Billy Joe Crappenheim, asked U.S. District Court Judge Fatima al Burkah, to dismiss the charges against Slimeberg and the company because they claim the grand jury developed prejudices based on whingeing Jewish stereotypes and the fact Slimeberg has a shnozzer like a toucan’s beak.

Crook put a trial consultant from Talmud Law Inc. on the stand to testify about the bias the grand jury allegedly formed because of comments made by witnesses during the grand jury proceedings last year such as ‘yid kid’, ‘hymie’, ‘kikes’, ‘sheeneys’, ‘fuckin’ Fagins’, ‘slimy Shylocks’ and ‘Red Sea pedestrians’.

The consultant, Miriam Twatenstein, of suburban Haifa, testified that references to Jewish stereotypes left grand jurors no other option but to form prejudices. She noted references to whether Jewish bankers charged usurious interest to other Jews and joked about the practice of some Jews of growing long beards, and wearing silly hats to prevent dandruff snowstorms.

Defence attorneys in the case also argued over why the entire jury was composed of devote Zionist-hating Moslems and no goyim Gentiles or fellow Jews were included in the jury selection process.
They further argued that the case should be moved to Jerusalem or the new US capital of Tel Aviv, where Mr. Slimeberg would be guaranteed a fair trial by his fellow Jews.

However, the press montage of anti-Semetic rhetoric launched by the Zionist-owned media against the Judge and jury in the Slimeberg – Rothschild Spam Inc. case was roundly contradicted by prosecuting District Attorney Mohammed bin Goebbels, who claimed the anti-Semitic remarks and Jewish stereotyping had been generated by the self-same Zionist media as a defence tool and were black propaganda.

"This indictment was not based on the defendant's religion," DA bin Goebbels told the court. "It was based on hard evidence. The fact the defendant has the look of a smarmy scheming Shylock and has been referred to by every witness as a ‘thieving twat’ simply substantiate his character flaws. "

Conversely, Slimeberg’s lawyer pushed his claim that the jury were all anti-Semites, pointing out that the Palestinian-American foreman of the jury, Mr. Rashid al Hamas was wearing a Taliban Dan suicide bomber cartoon character t shirt and several other jury members came into court with 'Al Qaeda' and 'I Love Gaza' baseball caps.

Have you been subjected to anti-Semitic remarks because you have a big nose or are missing a couple of inches of foreskin?
Do you have a long beard and wear a daft hat?
Do you shy away from pork chops, bacon burgers and bangers at barbeques?
You might be suffering from closet Judaism even if you are a baptised Christian.
If in doubt why don't you inquire at your local synagogue or drop us an e-mail to

Monday, 23 February 2009

Tories to Ground Young Scallies

In a novel plan unveiled by the Conservatives to curb anti-social behaviour and street crime by young troublemakers they could be confined to their homes, outside school hours, for as long as a month.

Shadow Home Secretary, Chris McPillock, MP for East Twatford and a former greeter at Toys-R-Us, told reporters that young yobs and yobettes who break their curfew orders could well expect to be sent to bed without any supper.

However, in response, Home Secretary Jacqui ‘Second Home’ Spliff, said this was the most stupid idea the Tories had come up with since their last stupid idea, which resulted in them making David Cameron party leader.

In a speech to parents at the Asbo Central Primary School, Mr. McPillock declared that should the Conservatives win power at the next general election "I will instruct our plods to remove young troublemakers from the streets altogether, not just move them on to disrupt a different street."

McPillock added that tough action was needed to stamp out anti-social behaviour and recommended that ten year-olds caught causing trouble should be "sent home to bed" with a good smack on the back of their legs.

"Our police should have powers to go straight to a magistrate and get an order against that troublemaker confining them to their homes for up to a month - except for during school hours. And if they break that curfew order they should expect to find themselves crossed off Santa’s Christmas present list.”

He said that if the Conservatives won the next election and he was home secretary he would "stop the ridiculous system of cautions that has built up even for serious offences such as arson, drug pushing, armed robbery and mass murder.”
"The Conservatives are the party of law and order - law and order based on common sense, strong families and communities and a system where parents know what their children are doing after dark and don’t have to worry about them practicing Satanic rites in the local park and sacrificing virgins or getting involved in vampirism or lycanthropy.”

Conversely, the Lib-Dem shadow home secretary Victor McCrunt told the media he was at odds with McPillock’s plans and wished to introduce a policy wherein youngsters getting slapped with an ASBO were automatically deported to the conflict regions of West Africa, such as Sierra Leone, and enlisted in one of the many children’s armies so they could work off their aggressive frustrations in a more suitable war zone environment.

Do you agree with Mr. McPillock’s plans and want your rowdy, shit-for-brains children hanging around the house for a whole month? Would you sooner have them lobotomised? Do any of your children belong to an African warlord’s army? Fill out one of our online application forms below so they can join up tomorrow and get paid in conflict diamonds. (Uniform and AK47 supplied)

Britain’s Debt Crime Kidnap Industry Flourishing

Nobody would have heard the muffled screams as Mustafa’s interrogators set about their victim with the clinical brutality of a celebrity chef.
Tied to a chair and forced to consume plate after plate of cholesterol-laden greasy fast food burgers, fried chicken drumsticks and pizzas, washed down with liters of aspartame-loaded soft drinks, he could only plead for mercy and was ready to admit to anything : even being a Holohoax-denying Gay Al Qaeda terrorist with a liking for kiddie porn.
"They said if I screamed then they'd make me eat more. They shoved a tennis ball up me arse so I couldn’t crap and the stomach pains were unbelievable," Mustafa recalls.

It sounds like the testimony of an extreme rendition prisoner from Iraq’s five-star Abu Ghraib Prison but the reality is that such violent scenes are being enacted undetected in Britain’s backstreet garages and vacant buildings on a daily basis.

Mustafa Crapp (real name Mohammad bin Mohammed) is just one of hundreds of people who are the silent victims of kidnapping each year in the UK by bailiffs and other debt collectors for not keeping up with payments. Mustafa’s crime? He was a month behind with his local Chew and Spew fast food delivery account payments.

You are unlikely to hear about their cases in the news because the vast majority are so-called "embarrassment" kidnappings – debt collectors acting for local authorities, capturing and torturing people who are behind with their utility bills or milk and newspaper delivery payments and don’t want their neighbours to know.

Frank McTwat, a former Big Issue vendor made redundant in the current recession, told the Freemasons Rendition Gazette he was a couple of months overdue with the council tax payments on his garden shed when he was ‘lifted’ off the street after picking up his jobseekers allowance.

“This bunch of heavies grabs me an’ I gets tossed in the back of this van like, then they takes me to this underground torture chamber they rent from St. Sodom’s, the local Catholic church, wot woz used by the old Inquisition years ago.”

“Anyway, they gives me a good kickin’ and tells me I gotta pay me council tax by next week –or else – they’re gonna burn me shed down wiv me an’ the missus an’ the kids in it. Then they puts me on the rack an’ gives me a right good stretchin’, which ‘urt like fuck but I’m three inches taller after it so I can apply fer a job in the police force now. A blessin’ in disguise really, wozn’t it, eh.”

But not all the victims are innocent members of the community caught up in a rolling wave of debt due the deepening recession.

Mrs. Edna Skagrat, a 92-year-old Smegmadale grandmother, had siphoned fifty pounds from her drug suppliers’ money to pay off her Argos card and even though she was prepared to settle the debt by working the city’s streets as a five quid 'three-holer' whore the gang’s enforcers mercilessly cut her Zimmer frame in half with a hacksaw to send out a message to other potential cheats and defaulters.

But it’s not just disputes over money and respect which are being solved through ‘lifting’ or ‘jacking’.
One Albanian pikey gang leader told a reporter from the Ransom Weekly News he had been hired by Asian families in his cosmopolitan community to kidnap victims in the UK over family feuds and disputes originating in the sub-continent.

Mr. Crumpledforeskin- not his real name – who freely admits to convictions ranging from duck strangling to genocide, said people within his Paki-Indian community used to hire him to track down runaway child brides and that branching out to kidnapping and knee-capping was just "Diversifying me effin’ skills, wozn’t I, cos yer gotta do dat wiv dis recession thingie goin’ on, dontcha eh. Versatility’s der fuckin’ word, ain’t it.”

The police are aware of hundreds of cases of kidnap each year, but they believe there are probably many more cases they never learn about as the victims are mainly scallies themselves.

Candida Fuctifino, the former head of the Metropolitan Police's kidnap unit and a leading hostage negotiator, says that although those related to the victims are often reluctant to report such kidnappings, when the police do get involved they usually manage to get the hostage back: either alive and whole or in a variety of assorted doggy bite-sized pieces.

Have any of your family been kidnapped and tortured for not paying their council tax? Would you like to see one of your nasty neighbours ‘lifted’ and given a royal kicking just for fun? Does anyone owe you a few quid you’d like to have repaid?
Complete one of our online service request forms below and we’ll have the heavies on the job before you can say “Bob owes me a pony.”

Sunday, 22 February 2009

UK Scientists Condemn GM Food Trials

The biotech’ giant and mega-rich corporate bully Monsanto, renown globally for their highly unethical and shifty business practices, waving litigating lawyers around like a baseball bat, and stifling media publicity of their negative product test results and other numerous screw-ups, have now earned the legend that “every crop they sow produces a harvest of FEAR”.

British youngsters aged 6-10 were fed a crap crop of so-called Mutant Mickey’s Golden Rice breakfast cereal, a genetically-modified grain developed by Monsanto and Syngenta and other Frankenstein GM foods companies which has been modified to contain enhanced levels of beta carotene (the shit that makes carrots orange).

UK scientists have condemned using British children in the GM food trials as unacceptable.
Dr. Sheldon Scrunt of the Smegmadale-based Hit-n-Miss GM Foods Testing Centre told the Nutrition correspondent from the Knuckle-Draggers Weekly News “Why can’t they test this shit on kids in Africa or some other screwed-up part of the Third World like they usually do, where no-one really gives a fuck about child mortality.”

Lawyers from Ambulance_Chasers-R-Us claim children were used as ‘lab rats’ in GM rice trials that were carried out in breach of ethics rules drawn up in response to the medical experiment crimes of the Nazi Germany concentration camps era.
Critics of the GM experiments say the Nuremburg Code states that children under 10 are not considered legally capable of giving consent to participation in such experiments.

They further state the code also requires that human guinea pigs should not be used if scientists don’t want to test the food by eating it themselves.

The Golden Rice breakfast cereal is being developed to combat Vitamin A deficiency, which is linked to damage to the sight, poor brain development and immune system failure.
However high consumption of the ceareal can cause birth defects in teenage mothers and also have harmful toxic effects causing damage to eyesight, poor brain development and immune system failure.

Project Gruppenfuhrer at the Golden Rice Organisation, Dr Adrian Mengele, a former greeter at Auschwitz Concentration Camp, denied that the Nuremburg Code has been breached. He said the feeding trials had been approved by scientists from the Burger King and KFC Chew n Spew bush tucker test centres.

‘Parents of poor families will see their children rewarded with scholarships to St. Sodom’s College of Latter Day Pederasts as a thank you for participating,’ Dr Mengele informed the media, adding that “Animal experiments would not have helped. As humans are the designed beneficiaries of our Golden Rice Mutant Flakes animal testing could not answer the questions posed”

But with GM food companies having such scandalous past records for safety, many are questioning the veracity of Dr. Mengele’s self-serving statements.

Various media sources, including the Shit-Stirrers Weekly Review, published a none too wholesome list of Monsanto’s past scandals and attempted cover-ups.

From 1935 to 1972, Monsanto manufactured polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) at its Anniston plant in Alabama, resulting in fucking up the local population for generations still to come and then denying responsibility.

The manifestation of the bovine growth hormone rBGH in milk caused a majority of consumers to sprout horns, with children mooing in school, eating grass for lunch, developing Mad Cow Disease and hallucinating that they were chickens.

One previous GM grains rat feeding study found "significant" undesirable effects to the rats fed on the GM maize MON863 when their fur fell off, followed by an unwholesome stiffening of the entire body which researchers eventually learned was caused by death.

Have any of your children eaten Mutant Mickey’s Muesli breakfast cereal? Do your children vomit after drinking Monsanto’s mutant malt shakes? Have any of your children grown an extra limb or become more brain damaged than usual?

Fill out our online fact-finding form below and you might be able to sue a GM Foods company near you for millions in compensation.

Plods Hospitalised After Suspect Bio-Chem Attack

Thirteen police officers from the Baker’s Dozen anti-terrorist squad were rushed to hospital last night after a suspicious noxious-smelling bio-chemical substance was detected inside a parked car.

A spokesplod for the Metropolitan Police said the Baker’s Dozen squad, comprising of ten plods and three plodettes, responded to reports of an "unusual smell" coming from a car with an open window in Crapfield, north London.

They noticed an unknown brown substance inside leaking out of a paper-wrapped parcel which they at first suspected was common or garden shit until they observed a Koran and a prayer mat on the back seat of the vehicle and realised it could possibly be an Al Qaeda bio-chemical terrorist attack.

Several of the officers who breathed in the smell of the substance suffered severe allergic reactions and went into anaphylactic shock, with all being in a comatose state when they reached hospital.

Forensic officers from MI5’s Bio-Hazard Attack division were summoned to evaluate the intensity of the threat and determine whether the Greater London area should be evacuated.
It was noted that the label on the parcel showed a picture of the Houses of Parliament and it was assumed the terrorists had intended to drive the vehicle to a close proximity of the seat of government before launching their attack but something had gone wrong causing a premature activation of the bio-chem’ weapon.

The vehicle was swiftly encapsulated in a vacuum sealed shroud, rolled into a cargo net and hoisted aloft by a Sikorsky helicopter then flown to the Porton Down Bio-Warfare research lab.

A spokes-spook for the Porton Down facility told a press conference later that once the vehicle’s parcel was moved to a secure bio-hazard chamber and opened it was discovered to contain several bottles of HP brown sauce, one of which had a faulty cap and allowed the contents leak out.

The iconic brand had been associated with the great British fry-up and as a dip for meat pies for centuries until the substance was declared too toxic and hazardous to be produced in a populated area any longer under EU Food Safety regulations in 2006.
Production of the pungent spicy sauce was then ‘out-sourced’ (sic / no pun intended) to India where nobody really gives a shit about environmental hazards or factory safety laws.

Google Earth Flips Up Atlantis Goolie

Google Earth stands as the proverbial dog’s bollocks when it comes to public access of high altitude terrestrial mapping, where the local council can zero in on suspect neighbourhoods to see who’s not towing the Big Brother totalitarian line by neglecting to stow their wheelie bin away five minutes after its been emptied.
They then send round a gang of their Neighbourhood Watch thugs or Community Support bullies to issue one of their new Kafkaesque Insta-Fines against some hapless, poverty-stricken pensioner crippled with arthritis and glaucoma.

A recent discovery by Google users, studying bathymetric (sea floor terrain) data, of what seemed to be a grid of streets and the outlines of a huge human habitation on the sea floor 600 miles off the African coast sparked hysteric proclamations that the fabled lost city of Atlantis had been found.

However, Google were quick to piss on this New Age publicity bonfire by pointing out the lines represented research data collected from boats using sonar to take measurements of the sea floor and was not the city of Atlantis or the sunken island of Mu, or a Grey alien / Draco Reptilian submarine UFO base.

The story of Atlantis, a fabled utopia destroyed in ancient times, has captured the imagination of scholars and Hollywood ever since the story was first made up by the Irish-Greek philosopher Plato more than 2,500 years ago.

He wrote of a land of fabulous wealth, advanced civilisation and natural beauty, where council taxes and CCTV cameras were unheard of, which is pretty hard to visualise in this age of false flag terrorist attacks, illegal wars, moral decay, economic recession and environmental catastrophes.

Fierce debate still rages over where the ruins of Atlantis might actually lie: if it ever existed at all.
Under the ice of Antarctica or beneath the vast depths of the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans being the favoured contenders. The Indian Ocean, the Mediterranean, the Baltic and Morecambe Bay also hold forth in the list of runners up.

However, the most common belief is that Plato was either pissed or on drugs when he wrote his account of Atlantis, or was purposely laying down the foundations of a spoof that would keep gullible treasure hunters and pseudo-scholars busy for generations to come.

A spokeswoman for Google Earth, Ms. Felicity Twatrot, told the cartography correspondent of the Lobster Strangler’s Gazette: "While this purported Atlantis discovery has turned out to be a damp squib, it is nevertheless true that many amazing discoveries have been made in Google Earth.”
“The most recent is of a hidden pristine forest in Mozambique that’s home to previously unknown unique species : a small tribe of Africans who aren’t starving, don’t have AIDS, and have never heard of Barack O’Barmy.”

Google Earth besides, if it wasn’t for Plato and his account of Atlantis, whether fictional or factual, we could not today have watched all five series of Stargate Atlantis, airing a total of 100 episodes to date. Thus there’s something to be said for pissy-arsed Greek philosophers and their influence on Hollywood script writers after all.

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Bird-Loving Pensioner Receives Council Threats

When global warming made its malevolent tropical presence felt across the UK earlier this month, with ponds, lakes, rivers and canals frozen solid, and the countryside buried under heavy falls of snow, pensioner Pam Todd was more determined than ever to make sure there was plenty of food available for the local wildlife.

The keen nature lover braved the icy Winter elements to lay out a few trays of freshly-baked wildlife food in her back garden and on the front communal lawn outside her bungalow, as she has done for the last 20 years.

But the wildlife-loving pensioner has suddenly been told to stop her favourite pastime - or run the risk of a £2,500 fine and court conviction under the UK’s new terrorist laws that could lead to her ending up on an extreme rendition flight to Afghanistan where she would face torture and years of imprisonment with hard labour.

Milton Keynes Council claimed in a letter that by feeding the birds and other wild animals, Mrs Todd is guilty of littering and can face punishment under the council’s new Orwellian ‘Prevention of Individual Thought or Action’ laws.

Yesterday she told reporters the council could go and fuck themselves and vowed to carry on feeding the birds and little furry creatures - as the RSPB and the RSPCA backed her plight.

Mrs Todd, 66, a keen member of her local Wildlife Trust who keeps three fully grown velociraptors in her back garden, said: 'The council can kiss my hairy old arse. I go to the market and buy the offal from the butchers and the fishmongers, then cook it up for the poor starving wildlife that lives in the nearby woods.”

“Sometimes, as a real treat, I’ll roast a dead burglar or a couple of hoodie vandals, but I always clean all the left-over bones up after they’ve finished eating. The vultures, foxes and rat packs are always grateful, particularly when its snowing and they can't find food.”

The RSPB ran a national emergency campaign during the bad weather urging people to feed their garden birds.The charity's spokesman Gemma McTwat said: 'Food people put out during such severe snow is actually the difference between life and death for wild birds, especially the raptors like the local vulture breeds who really enjoy a hoodie’s barbequed rib cage to peck at.”

Milton Keynes council spokesman Arnold Kafka said anybody who drops food items in a public place could be deemed guilty of littering. He said: 'We support the use of bird feeders and other ways of feeding wildlife in people's own gardens but Mrs.Todd isn’t so much attracting rats and vermin by her feeding methods but purposely nourishing them.”

“We did send a health and sanitation officer around to view Mrs. Todd’s wildlife feeding arrangements after receiving a complaint over the remains of a half-eaten burglar hanging up in a tree in her back garden being pecked at by vultures. However, he’s not been seen since and none of our other health inspectors seem to have the bottle, or inclination, to follow up on the case.”

UN’s IPCC all Lack Scientific Qualifications

During the critical Q & A session of last weeks' William Schlesinger (Alarmists) / John Christy (Sceptics) Global Warming’ debate, Schlesinger was asked how many members of the United Nation's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) were actually qualified climate scientists.
Schlesinger, in reply, was hospitalised after suffering an acute stuttering attack and swallowing his own tongue.

It is well known that many, if not all, of its members hold no scientific qualifications whatsoever, but were strategically shunted onto the panel’s roster of hundreds of warm, brain-dead bodies to swell the ranks by JobCentre Plus after they were made redundant in the Woolworths shit-store collapse.

Ratshit Pitchfork, the Indian chairman of the IPCC, whose head bears a strong resemblance to a chimney sweep’s brush with a priest’s tonsure, was actually a train driver in Lucknow before winning his current post in a Ferret Stretcher’s Gazette’s quiz competition.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change is a sham scientific international body tasked to evaluate the risks and effects of climate change caused by human fuck-ups and devise new ways to tax the living shit out of the working classes of useless sheeple for such heinous environmental crimes as exhaling, farting and smoking the occasional bifta.

Guided by their revered God of Climate Change, Al Bore, the IPCC has, to date, suggested such Heath Robinson schemes to assess climate change emissions as fitting flow meters to cow’s arses to measure how much flatulence they’re exuding over a 24 hour period, and how such emissions can be taxed accordingly to the cost of hapless farmers.

The IPCC’s executive ‘Greenhouse Gases’ panel currently consists of a Polish glazier, an Irish conservatory erector and a Portuguese gardener: all of whom were hired for their past experience of working with greenhouses.

Of the 180 IPCC members canvassed by the Slug Tossers Gazette at the recent Global Warming debate, only three could honestly state they had held science-related posts in the past.

Mr. Twatcha N’kunta, IPCC’s head of Ozone Depletion Assessment, previously worked for the Nigerian Weights and Measures in Lagos where he was in charge of boiling the kettle.
Ms. Su Duko was employed by the Peking Crossword Council in the geometric squares division before being appointed as head of CO2 Emission Monitoring at the Arctic Circle.
Vito Incognito, a fifteen-year-old reform school reject with three first-class ASBO’s to his name, was employed as a paperboy delivering copies of the New Scientist, and appointed deputy chief Cloud Counter for the Sub-Saharan regions after answering a page three advertisment in the Hoodie Scrounger’s Weekly News.

Would you like to join the IPCC? Do you hold any scientific qualifications? Do you know what Global Warming is? An NVQ1 in Window Cleaning will get your foot in the door.
Apply now and be sure of a warm place to wait out the next Ice Age when Hell freezes over.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Nuttiyahoo To Form Israeli Cabinet

Binman Nuttiyahoo, a former cabinet maker, now the leader of the fascist Lick-it party, has been asked to form Israel's next government.
Nuttiyahoo said he would try to open talks on forming a unified coalition government with his political rivals.

But Titsup Livid, the split-arsed leader of the centrist Kadima party, has suggested she would rather suck an uncircumcised goyim cock than join a government led by Mr Nuttiyahoo.

The Lick-it party leader has the support of religious and right-wing parties in the Knesset, all of whom want to kick-start World War Three as soon as possible to ensure the destruction of Jerusalem and the subsequent rebuilding of Solomon’s Temple; to herald the Second Coming of their Messiah.
It is hoped they won’t crucify the next one as they did with the last, some 2000 years ago.

President Slimy Peres and Mr Nuttiyahoo held a news conference to officially announce the move and the Lick-it leader now has six weeks to put together a coalition, out of the twelve squabbling opposition parties occupying the 120 seats in the Israeli parliament.

Nuttiyahoo told media reporters: "I call on Kadima chairwoman Titsup Livid and Labour Party chairman Falsehud Barat and I say to them - let's unite to secure the future of the State of Israel by destroying the nasty Palestinians, then Hezbollah, and then Iran, and expand Israel’s promised Biblical national boundaries from the Nile to the Euphrates.”

The BBC's Zionist arse-kissing correspondent, Seymour Shnozzer, says the decision to choose Mr Nuttiyahoo marks the start of the beating of the Israeli war drums.

He says Mr Nuttiyahoo, a certified psychopath, will have a real job on his hands to persuade Titsup Livid to join his government as her Kadima party hold 28 Knesset seats compared to his Lick-it party’s 27, and she considers herself in line to head a government.

Ms. Livid told reporters “I will not be a pawn in a government that would be against our ideals," she said. “Nuttiyahoo wants to exterminate the Palestinians while we want to see them form their own nation state: preferably in Saudi Arabia or Africa, and not here in Palestine…whoops…I mean Israel or Canaan, whatever.”

Nuttiyahoo says he does not want Israel to rule the Palestinians, but says they should not be allowed things he considers a threat to Israeli security, such as an army, or control of airspace or a border with Jordan or a national boundary on the Mediterranean.

Mr Nuttiyahoo's position was bolstered on Thursday when the far-right Yisrael Big Noses party, which favours tightening the Israeli blockade on Gaza to garrotting pressure, said it wanted him to be chief executioner and initiate a thorough ethnic cleansing of the Palestinian-occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip up to genocide level.
Ensuring the eradication of Hamas and their Gaza Gangsters, with a follow-up of pre-emptive military air strikes against Iran, and anything there that remotely resembles a nuclear power station, would also be deemed politically expedient.

Who did you vote for in the Israeli elections? Have you donated to the Help Rebuild Gaza campaign fund? Do you harbour Palestinian sympathies?

Fill out our online questionnaire below and we’ll make sure you end up on a Mossad hit list.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Driving Examiner Suffers ‘Blonde Moment’ Trauma

A Smegmadale-on-Sea driving examiner is suing the Ministry of Transport for damages after claiming he suffered physical injuries and psychological trauma while conducting a driving test with the worst female learner he had ever seen.

Examiner Hector McTwat alleges he suffered a whiplash injury when a driving examination candidate did an emergency handbrake manoeuvre after turning into the town’s one-way High Street, causing oncoming traffic to take evasive actions, with several vehicles, and a disabled person’s Mobility Buddy scooter, plunging into an adjacent canal.

Ginger minga candidate Ms. Virginia Muffrot, a 17-year old mother of three and a trainee steeplejack, failed her test in January after causing traffic mayhem in the town’s centre and injuring several pedestrians on the second floor of a Waterstones bookstore.

Ms. Muffrot told the responding emergency services crew she suffered a very Boris Johnson type ‘blonde moment’ when the driving examiner had told her to turn ‘next right’ and she'd automatically driven into Waterstones bookshop on a reflex impulse.

However, as she further explained to the AA vehicle recovery team who attended the scene of the accident, to get the Mini Cooper out of the Arts and Crafts book section and back down to the ground floor, “When I turned right and drove in through the main entrance, and realised it was a bookshop, I reversed hard left to go out again and ended up in the freight elevator. Next thing the doors shut and up we went. When they opened and I drove out, I collided with a row of bookshelves that weren’t there before.”

“It was about this time that Mr. McTwat suffered his neck injury, when he got out of the car and started screamin’ a stream of nasty expletives at me, and some nice old lady carrying a copy of an ‘Advanced Karate’ unarmed combat manual gave him two rabbit punches and kneed the tosser in the bollocks for his blasphemin' profanity.”

The court heard how Ms. Muffrot was sitting her test during the Monday lunchtime rush hour traffic in Smegmadale.
Mr. McTwat, a driving examiner for 12 years, told the court : "The problems started as we set off and were driving along Stella Artois Avenue. The candidate braked severely with her left foot, which she put down to a painful reaction to her baby, which she was breast-feeding at the time, biting her left nipple.”

McTwat stated "I was thrown forward and then back into the seat, with me clipboard getting jammed in the crease of me arse.”
“I told the candidate to pull over but she gave me the finger and said ‘Let’s get this fuckin' driving test thingie over an’ done with’.”

He related the candidate had mounted the pavement during a reverse parking manoeuvre and a later request to perform a three-point turn became "a nine-point turning exercise".

Ms. Muffrot explained to the presiding Magistrates : “It’s fuckin’ hard to perform a three point turn on the second floor of a Waterstones bookshop an’ I was tryin’ me best not to run over the books or any more shoppers. Personally I blame it on the amphetamines I took to calm me nerves before the driving test.”

Have you suffered psychological trauma while taking a driving test? Have you ever experienced a life-changing ‘blonde moment’ even if you are a natural ‘ranga ginger minga’? Did your driving examiner pass racist remarks or grope you sexually? Do you or any of your close friends or neighbours actually possess a valid driving licence?

Fill out the attached form below and you could win a fish fingers and cauliflower cheese dinner for two, earn extra points on your licence, or get banned from driving for life.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

UK Using Africa as Recycling Dump for Toxic Trash

How many wheelie bins are stuck outside your kitchen door, blocking the passageway from front garden to back? All the colours of the rainbow, no doubt. One for glass, one for paper, one for plastics, one for cans, one for the children’s Asbo’s and homework assignments; one for dead pets, cat litter and dog shit; one for garden cuttings and expired house plants; one for assorted kitchen waste and doubtless another one for some obscure heap of crap the useless, overpaid council jobsworths forgot to categorise.

All this shite is supposed to go to individual processing plants to be recycled into something useful, such as parking meters, space shuttle components, smart bombs and pacemakers; and WE, the council tax payers, are contributing billions of pounds to fund this carbon footprint / combat global warming fiasco.

However, tonnes of toxic crap collected under our council-run sham recycling schemes is being diverted and dumped in Darkest Africa.
It seems our multi-coloured individual wheelie bins are being emptied en masse at British municipal dumps and landfill sites then, when the toxic poisons have had ample opportunity to leach out and contaminate the water table, the waste materials are being containerised and illegally shipped to Africa in flagrant breach of this country’s obligation to ensure our burgeoning mountains of refuse and junk are disposed of safely.

Hundreds of thousands of discarded e-waste items, which under British law must be dismantled or recycled by specialist contractors, are being packaged into cargo containers and shipped to countries such as Nigeria and Ghana, where they’re stripped of their raw metals by kids working on poisoned waste dumps all day and glowing in the dark all night.

In a joint investigation by The Daily Liar and Greenpieces a faulty fast breeder reactor from the Smegmadale Nuclear Power Station was tracked to an electricity supply company in Lagos, Nigeria, after being sent to Pikey Pete’s authorised scrap recycling plant in the UK.

Sparky O’Dinga, manager of the Lagos Light & Power Company, told reporters the reactor was discovered in a container filled with defunct X-box units and laptops shipped into the country from the UK by Gyppo Recycling (SA) of Kiev.
Mr. O’Dinga further informed the media that the nuclear reactor, once fitted with a new fan belt and had the seized fuel rods sprayed with WD40, worked just fine and was supplying the national grid with a million megawatts oif electricity per day, plus a regular monthly ourput of weapons-grade Plutonium 239 for Nigeria’s atomic bomb project.

But with the average Briton throwing away four pieces of e-waste every month, in the form of outmoded cell phones, electric toothbrushes and worn out jack rabbit personal vibrators, approximately 500,000 tonnes is going unaccounted for annually.
Industry research seen by The Daily Liar estimates that at least 10,000 tonnes of scrap televisions and 23,000 tonnes of crashed computers, classified as hazardous waste, are being illegally exported as part of a wider e-waste black market worth what insiders describe as “lots and lots of fuckin’ money.”

Campaigners say that with Nigerian and Congolese pikeys offering around £3 for a television and £1 for a computer monitor to waste sites they are undercutting specialist recycling companies, creating a very toxic “grey market” when these unscrupulous dealers ship the materials to West Africa where it forms the core of a thriving industry.

Candida Muffitch, spokesperson for the Industry Council for Equipment Recycling (ICER), told The Daily Liar “It‘s clear that the system for collecting and monitoring equipment which UK householders and commercial offices have thrown away is fucked up like a soup sandwich.”

Have you found any Nigerians rooting through your wheelie bins? Do you sell the spent fuel rods from your home’s nuclear reactor to Islamic terrorists? Do you bury dead pets and burglars in your back garden?

Send us your comments and views using the form below so we can pass them on to your local council’s Global Warming Task Force Hit Squad and have you harassed and arrested.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Israeli Bully Boys Explosives Haul Missing in Gaza

A large stockpile of unexploded weapons dropped onto, or fired into, Gaza by the Israeli bully boys over the Christmas holiday has disappeared before United Nations experts were able to dispose of it safely, the BBC has learned from an eBay auction site selling depleted uranium shrapnel fragments as souveniers.

The explosive military ordnance, including aircraft-borne cluster bombs and white phosphorus and fragmentation shells, were deployed by the Israeli military during its recent festive season ‘Peace and Goodwill to all Men’ offensive in the Gaza Strip.

UN officials said they were urgently trying to establish where the arms had gone and have called for their return, searching around last weekend’s Gaza-based car boot sales and the Gaza City charity shops for clues or traces to the weapons' whereabouts.
Israel has accused Hamas’ Gaza Gangsters of purloining the stockpile, which was reportedly under Hamas and Al Fatah guard.

General Sheldon Scrunt, one of Israel’s most senior military war criminals, said: "We are anxious to secure the return of this ordnance. It's extremely dangerous and could explode and kill someone, which is why we dropped it on Gaza in the first place.”

Two weeks ago the UN unexploded ordnance team was given access to a storage site in Gaza where more than 7,000 kilos of explosives were being housed.
The cache included three 2,000-pound bombs and eight 500-pound bombs, which had all been dropped from aircraft, and while slightly dented, had failed to explode.
There was also a large number of defective 155mm canister shot for delivering the incendiary chemical white phosphorus and fragmentation shells.
Many of the explosives had been collected by the Hamas Girl Guide troop for their St. Valentine’s Day fireworks display and forthcoming Jolly Jihad in Jerusalem protest.

However Western intelligence observers consider the Israeli military are more concerned that their new highly secret DIME (dense inert metal explosive) aerial bombs and artillery shells are among the unexploded ordnance, and forensic examination of the core materials will allow the Gaza Gangster’s science squad to replicate the extreme-velocity / high temperature explosive-tungsten particle mix and fabricate a new order of highly dynamic energy impulse suicide vests; replacing their current Triacetone Triperoxide (TATP) / focused lethality munitions self-destruct waistcoats.

Conversely, certain media reporters are speculating that the Israeli military are more concerned that their highly carcinogenic faulty unexploded ordnance containing DIME, depleted uranium and white phosphorous might be patched up and catapulted back in their general direction in the very near future.

Ex-UK PM B-liar Gets Israeli Leadershit Prize as Payoff

Former UK slime minister Phony Tony B-liar has been awarded a prestigious million-dollar Israeli prize as a payoff for his political conniving on their behalf on the world stage.

Phony Tony, a converted Catholic of convenience, currently impersonating a Middle East peace envoy, will receive the Desperate Dan Prize for his traitorous betrayal of British constitutional principles and steadfast determination in helping to engineer the success of Israeli - Zionist militarist expansionism goals. He is further recognised for his tireless efforts in forging the foundations of a lasting global conflict and sectarian hatred between the West and Pan-Islam.

The award is presented by the Desperate Dan Kosher Cow Pie Foundation, which is based at Tel Aviv’s Rothschild College of Culinary Delights.
Previous recipients include Abraham Zapruder, Jonathan Pollard, Larry Franklin and former US presidential numpty and environmental shyster Al Gore.

A spokesman for Mr B-liar said the money will be donated to the former Labour leader's favourite religious charity : the Cherie B-liar Benevolent Fund.

Mr Blair is an envoy of the International Quartet on the Middle East peace process, which comprises Iceland, Somalia, Tonga, Rwanda and North Korea.
His entry as a Desperate Dan Kosher Cow Pie laureate on the prize's website hails him as "one of Zion’s most successfully-manipulated goyim klutz’s of our era".

It praises his role and courageous leadershit in blaming the Zionist-Israeli WTC 9/11 false flag micro-nuke attacks on Al Qaeda, white-washing the David Kelly / WMD exposure murder inquiry, and his controversial decision to make the UK a guilty party to the illegal US invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq.

The citation states: "Early in his Slime Ministership, he came to two beliefs that guide him today.”
“First, that it is a mistake for the world to wait for Zionist-controlled America to fuck the world up single-handedly, and second, that there are some things a sovereign state needs to do within its own borders that are justified, such as perpetrating the false flag 7/7/2005 London tube bombings and blaming them on a bunch of hapless Muslim Paki’ patsies, even if the actions only serve another nation's (Israel’s) interests."

The award will be presented in a symbolic ceremony of ritualised grand hypocrisy at the Tel Aviv Rothschild College in May with a celebrity-attended cow pie dinner.

B-liar’s preposterously phony peace envoy presence was noted as being conspicously absent from the conflict arena while Israeli storm troopers were decimating the population of Gaza and demolishing its entire infrastructure over the Christmas / New Year holiday period due his enjoying a vacation in the Egyptian resort of Sharm El Sheikh with French midget President Nicolas ‘Shortarse’ Teakozy.

APACS Re-Invents the Wheel of Fortune

Consumers in the UK should expect a revolution in the way they pay for things in the near future, according to the Association for Payment Clearing Services (APACS).

With 90% of the country’s recession-stricken workforce now unemployed and their credit cancelled, most households have been paying for essential utility services such as Sky TV by allowing bailiffs to grab anything of value or selling their children to Albanian slavers.

The good old cheque, which originally represented the cast iron reliability of an English ‘Gentleman’s Handshake’, was 350 years old on 16 February and is said to be in irreversible decline as cock-eyed innovation points towards a cashless society.

"Those in their teens only know what a chequebook is when Mummy or Daddy sign one for them to pay their overdrawn credit cards off," said Sandra McQuim of APACS.

The earliest cheque in the UK was thought to have been written 350 years ago, dated 16 February. It was made out for £400, signed by Nicholas van Knackers, made payable to a Mrs. Sapphie Dildodo, a Mayfair Dominatrix, for “services rendered”, and drawn on Messrs Ushur, Swindle & Cheet - scriveners and bankers of the City of London.

The payments industry discussed the possibility of phasing out cheques in the UK by 2018, but concluded that the alternatives had not developed sufficiently.
As well as electronic transfer of funds on the internet, the most likely replacement for the cheque is mobile payments, wherein a phone number acts as a proxy for a bank account number.

So instead of paying by cash, cheque or credit card, a bill for services or goods will be paid by an exchange of text messages. Que? Is somebody taking the piss? Cellphone cloning and online hacking? Trust us, we’re bankers. No thanks. In God we trust : all others - cash!

The world’s puppet governments, all kowtowing to their international banking cartel master’s long-term strategy of a cashless society, are still pushing the primary agenda to have everyone using a single chip-embedded debit / credit card so they are able to monitor each and every commercial monetary transaction on Earth.

Meanwhile, the UK could mirror technology already used in East Asia where the embedded chip now found in a plastic card is placed in an everyday personal item such as the back of your hand or forehead. This is then pushed against a sensor in a shop to pay, and is known as ‘contactless’ technology.

Next, of course will be the simple evolutionary step to scrap the card and chip the entire global population, with all new born being chipped at birth.
Those without the requisite embedded chip card, loaded with personal credits accordingly, will be unable to trade and become outcasts, marked for extinction.
Or so the intended strategy goes. No cash, no cheating the revenue men or the exchequer.

A total Big Brother controlled society. The common human herd of cattle : the sheeple, all towing the nasty party line. The radicals and revolutionaries, anyone the New World Order fascist jobsworths and phoney conceited panjandrums label as undesirable, will simply have their chips turned off.

So, smart strategy all round by our Masters at the top of the Pyramid. Those Illuminated ones. But what came first: the chicken or the egg? Cash or barter? The latter obviously, and they know it too. This is the stumbling block they face in putting their plan into practice.
Their greed-ridden policies of fractional reserve banking and super-usury simply can’t work in a cashless barter trading society.

So, while APACS might well think they’re heralding the re-invention of the wheels of commerce, they better check carefully as the tyres have gone flat before the vehicle has even moved a single linear yard.

Laid Off Agency Staff Bugger Union Bosses

Enraged agency staff confronted union officials at BMW's Mini assembly plant at Twatford in Smegmadale yesterday when the carmaker confirmed 850 job cuts at the site.
Casual staff, who had been laid off with immediate effect, went totally ballistic and assaulted leaders of the Betrayals union with a variety of fruit, claiming they had been stabbed in the back.

BMW Mini sneaksperson Gilbert Ratt confirmed that the company had held discussions with Betrayals union representatives over changes to shift patterns at the plant.
"Our last priority was to communicate the lay-offs with the workforce," Ratt told reporters, “Otherwise they’d simply go into sabotage mode and fuck up all the plant’s machinery. That’s why we presented them with their DCM awards (Don’t Come Monday) as they were clocking out.”

However, the laid off agency staff were ‘hopping fucking mad’ about the way in which they were informed of their job losses.

Bernard Slime, from the union Betrayals and speaking from a Twatford hospital bed after having several apples and a mango removed from his rectum, told the industrial correspondent of the Hamster Trainer’s Gazette : "The workers obviously weren't very happy and the biggest issue was being told at the end of the shift that they’d all got the bullet and hadn't got a job to come back to."

Worker Silvia McSlapper, a 17-year old mother of three and a trainee doorknob polisher at the plant, told reporters: "I've been here for five years and I've never been sick, I've never missed work, always kissed the boss’s arse and they tell me when I’m clocking out that I've been sacked. That's not on: it’s a real cunt’s trick.”

The site will now close for a week, and weekend working has been scrapped.
The carmaker also said it had identified 150 surplus workers at its Mini plant in Scunthorpe who usually hung around in the washrooms smoking, reading newspapers and texting a Dehli-based phone sex call centre on their company cellphones. These workers are to be offered a transfer to work at its plant in Afghanistan, it added.

The government’s Minister for Skateboards & Small Cars, Sir Rupert Numpty, told reporters “It’s rather sad the Mini plant at Twatford is bringing in a new shift pattern in response to continuing volatile market conditions and cutting back to a six hour / three day working week, with an hour for lunch.”
“However, on the bright side, think of all the quality time they can enjoy down at the JobCentre with their mates, looking for part-time work.”

Worker’s spokesman Frank Scrunt, when questioned why their union representatives were sodomised with articles of fruit, told the media “The union’s fucked us in the arse over this so they got a taste of their own bleedin’ medicine.”

Tony Knothead, General Secretary of Betrayals, described the Cowley worker’s reaction as ‘disgraceful’. “They might well be pissed off at the fact the union’s known about the lay-offs for months and kept it a secret but there was no need to shove a pineapple up my arse prickly-end first. Me prize haemorrhoids are ruined.”

Do you work at the factory? Are you affected by the job cuts? Did you shove any fruit up a union rep’s arse? Would you like to see New Labour’s useless Business Secretary Pretty Peter Mandelson crucified?

Send us your comments and views using the form below so we can pass them on to the Director of Public Prosecutions.

Monday, 16 February 2009

British & French Nuke Submarines Collide Mid-Atlantic

A Royal Navy nuclear submarine was recently involved in a collision with a French Marine Nationale nuclear sub in the middle of the Atlantic, the MoD has confirmed.
The Royal Navy’s HMS Blunkett and the French navy’s Le Merde were badly damaged in the crash earlier this month.

First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Wentworth Scrunt told Parliament that HMS Blunkett was stationary and parked in a deep whale-mating area of the mid-Atlantic, watching a pod of sperm whales having a good old shagging session, when the French navy’s Le Merde, cruising carelessly along, well in excess of the statutory speed limit, crashed bow-first into the Blunkett’s starboard quarter. No injuries were reported, apart from the ship’s cat shitting itself.

Both the UK and France insisted nuclear security had not been compromised.
However Caroline Muffitch, spokeslut for the Ministry of Defence’s ‘Eye Patches and Wooden Legs’ department told a war correspondent from the Tortoise Polisher’s Gazette that the incident was "incredibly embarrassing".
She said HMS Blunkett, with "very visible dents and scrapes to the bodywork, and a wing mirror missing", had to be towed back into its home base on the Bridgewater Canal by an AA tugboat.

The two submarines are key parts of each nation's nuclear deterrent, and were carrying missiles, though both the UK and France have obviously insisted there was no danger of a nuclear incident even though both are powered by nuclear reactors and the HMS Blunkett was armed with an excess of 48 nuclear warheads for Trident missiles and Barracuda torpedoes.
However, any submarine crew members suffering from rapid hair loss, loose teeth or profuse bleeding from the gums and bodily orifices have been advised to seek prompt medical attention.

While both submarines are equipped with ‘silent ping’ sonar to detect other vessels, they are further coated with anti-sonar fish scale paint and cloaked by stealth technology devices, hence can’t see each other while submerged.

Meanwhile, SNP Westminster leader Angus McTwat has called for a government statement.
"The Ministry of Defence needs to explain how it is possible for a multi-billion pound high-tech’ state-of-the-art Royal Navy submarine, carrying weapons of mass distraction, to collide with a Froggie submarine, also carrying nuclear weapons, in the middle of the world's second-largest ocean.”

The Ministry’s Ms. Muffitch, right on the ball, promptly issued the reply that the incident was what is known in naval terms as a “total fuck-up”.

The Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament described the collision as "a nuclear nightmare of the highest order".
CND chair Kruella McSlut said: "The collision of two submarines, both with nuclear reactors and nuclear weapons onboard, could have released vast amounts of radiation and scattered scores of nuclear warheads across the seabed : and that’s the best case scenario.”
“A worse one would be if a nuclear weapon detonated and caused a calamity of Biblical proportions."
“Just look at the history of surface and submerged submarine collisions, these things crash into each other like Tesco shopping trolleys on a Saturday afternoon.”

On March 19, 1998, off Long Island, and in clear weather, the USS Kentucky (Ohio class ballistic missile submarine) was on the surface, and the USS San Juan (Los Angeles class attack submarine) was submerged, when the latter ran head-on into the former, causing the sinking of both vessels. An inquiry concluded that naval personnel suffering from patent blindness or myopia should not be allocated look-out or periscope duty.

When the nuclear submarine HMS Lost, supposedly on a training exercise in the South Pacific, ran aground off the coast of Scotland in 2002, the damage was estimated at £50 million. An ensuing scandal embarrassed the government when it was discovered that while the entire crew had abandoned ship and decamped to a nearby pub until the tide came back in, a gang of pikeys had pillaged the deserted sub and made off with the nuclear reactor which they sold to an Aberdeen scrapyard.

Wixams Head Teacher : School & Pupils Wanted.

The Wixams, a 750-acre development near Smegmadale-on-Sea, was supposed to be one of ex-deputy prime minister John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott’s flagship new towns designed to ease Britain’s housing crisis, creating cheap homes for millions of people who were fortunate enough to have jobs and a regular income.

The town was designed to have its own schools, Polish delicatessen, mosque and madrassa, library, betting shops, meat pie factory, drug rehab’ clinic, a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous and a Samaritan’s self-harm and suicide helpline, several Witherspoon pubs, a lap dancing bar, five Pound Stretcher stores and a Job Centre for any of the intended population who ever felt inclined to look for work.

To date, only a handful of wigwams and two garden sheds have ever been erected and just three homeless Big Issue vendors and several Roland Rat look-alikes have moved in.

One thing it does have, though, is a head teacher who is being paid £60,000 a year, plus a performance bonus, to run the White Elephant Primary School although it has no buildings and even less pupils.

Smegmadale County Council, which had hoped the school would be built several years ago, admits it still hasn’t the funds to buy the bricks and cement to begin construction after spending its annual budget on CCTV cameras to spy on the town’s population of three.

However, in an attempt to divert media attentions from the embarrassing fact they have a head teacher but no school, council officials said the school head, Ms. Chlamydia Muffitch, is ‘busy preparing’ for an opening date in September. Which September is yet to be announced.

Liberal Democrat councillor Glenda Twatrot said: “We have a head teacher but no school and no children and I think this situation is going to continue for several years at least, or until we have a Lib’ Dem’ government in power.”

Bernard Scrunt, chief executive of the TaxPayers’ Alliance, said: "It’s a bleedin’ pantomime and an absurd waste of taxpayers’ money. This headmistress should never have been hired if there was no job for her to do. I’ve seen better organised riots. It’s an effin’ Chinese fire drill.”

Sapphie Dildodo, Shadow Gay Communities Secretary, said: ‘This is yet another example of New Labour’s, and Porkie Prescott’s, lack of foresight.”
"The project could have been completed in the good years but due to Prescott’s incompetence and dithering there is now the ridiculous situation where a head teacher has been hired at £60 grand a year with no school built, let alone the town that was expected to provide the pupils. Personally I consider the entire fiasco to be a Class One fuck-up."

The Wixams – described by developers Shit-4-Brains Estates as one of the ‘most stupid ideas Prescott ever came up with’ – was one of a raft of new towns encouraged by New Labour following a damning report in 1998 from the Bank of England calling for millions of new homes to be built in the South East by 2025 to solve the country’s shortage of cheap crap housing and shackle the hapless buyers to a lifetime of unaffordable mortgaged debt.

But construction came to a dead stop after the contractors were never paid for turning the intended 750 acre development site from lush green rolling fields and woodlands into a mud and puddle wasteland and environmental disaster.

However Shit-4-Brains Estates were quick to defend their position, stating "We are working to ensure that The Wixams remains on track. Provision of landscaping is continuing to ensure that a quality environment is provided eventually, with a mixed planting of sixty acres of rhubarb and dock leaves last autumn alone. Once the council come up with some money to pay us, then we’ll start the actual building."

Councillor Rita Slagg, the Smegmadale-on-Sea Secretary for Education, said: "The council is moving forward with the planned financing and construction of the school so that the first phase of building is in place for September 2020. We’re organising several fund-raising events including car boots, jumble sales, and Ann Summers sex toy and lingerie parties.”

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Saudi Tries to Shake off Dark Ages Culture

A major political ‘Sheikh-up’ (sic) in Saudi Arabia is intended to drag the backward nation of cultural retards, perhaps kicking and screaming, into the 19th Century for a start, then hopefully on, and into the 20th, then the 21st, catching up to the West within the next thousand years.

King Abdullah, the great reformer, has sacked a whole caboodle of powerful religious dinosaurs and political cormorants in a wide ranging revitalization of the cabinet and other government posts, and assumed control of the Ministry of Religious Paranoia himself.

One of the dismissed men was the head of the controversial religious police force, the Mutawwa: Chief Inspector Ali Bang-Bang. The other most conspicuous was the Minister for Graft and Corruption, Mohammed al Sleaze.

The King has also appointed two women as the country's first-ever female government secretaries, to head the Ministry for Burkhas and the Ministry for Stonings.
In a country where women are considered mere chador-garbed chattels and chances of their emancipation more at scent than substance, this is indeed a historic first.
A British news source recently highlighted the suffragette and down-trodden plight of Saudi women when it reported a young boy lost in a shopping mall could not recognise his mother as he had never been seen her without a burkha.
However, and fortunately, the reforms have made no mention so far of allowing Saudi women to drive.

The BBC's Arab affairs analyst Abdul bin Bagg says the pace of change has been historically slow in the retarded kingdom, with it taking several years just to get a lightbulb replaced, the wearing of underpants or use of toilet paper still unknown and Strictly Come Mecca Ballroom Dancing rigourously banned.

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has been likened to a Stone Age culture with electricity and cars. Its traditional exports of sand paper, prayer mats and camel’s hump soup continue to be the trading mainstays after oil.

Tourism has never really taken off in attracting Western / Christian types due the country’s reputation for asinine harsh religious laws where a person can get flogged, stoned, have a hand chopped off, and / or get beheaded for such everyday civil offences as spitting on the pavement, chewing gum, parking on double yellow lines, or driving in the camel lane.
One US national working for the Aramco oil and gas conglomerate in Dhahran was sentenced to fifty lashes with a cat of ten tails last year for sending a Valentine’s Day card to his gay neighbour.

The only tourists visiting Saudi are foreign Muslims doing the Haj for a head-banging prayer session in Mecca each year, where 40% of the Hajis normally croak due contracting dysentery, food poisoning, typhoid, cholera: and / or all four.

The sacked head of the Mutawwa, Chief Inspector Ali Bang-Bang, who enforced Saudi Arabia's fascist brand of Islam, Wahhabism, caused controversy last September when he said it was permissible to kill the owners of satellite TV channels which broadcast immoral programmes such as BBC One’s Songs of Praise, Wallace and Gromet and Desperate Housewives.
The Mutawwa commission has wide powers to search for alcohol and drugs, to crack down on prostitution (male, female and goats) and ensure shops are closed during prayer times.

But for a nation ruled, riddled and corrupted by a culture of xenophobia, religious paranoia and double standards, where slavery continues to flourish, enforcement of half day closing for slave markets on El-Gumah (Friday, the Islamic Sabbath) seems like total hypocrisy.
Despite the shake-up, foreign correspondents say the kingdom remains an absolute monarchy and a totally fucked up basket case, with significant political change not being on the agenda this century.

Ministerial changes:

Mohammed al Mohammad has been replaced as Minister for Tea-towels and Caps by Mohammad bin Mohammed. (no relation)
Abdul bin Mohammed assumes control of the Ministry of Camels.
Mohammad al Abdullah takes over at the Ministry of Goats.
Mohammed bin Bagg will become head of the Ministry of Garbage.
Abdul al Scimitar takes charge of the Ministry of Beheadings.
Ex-government Chief Whip, Ali bin Lasher takes over at the Ministry of Floggings
Ms. Fatima al Mohammed becomes head of the new Ministry of Burkhas.
Ms. Rocky al Pebbledash becomes the new Minister of Stonings
Mohammed bin Grit to be the new Minister for Sand.
Mohammad al Slick appointed as Minister for Oil.
Abdul bin Rayban appointed as Minister for Sun Glasses.
Due global warming and a lack of rainfall, the Ministry of Puddles has been abolished and will be replaced by the Ministry for Potholes, to be headed by Sheikh Well Before Using

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Khomeini’s St. Valentine’s Day Fatwa Still Valid

Yes, it’s twenty years today since Iran's favourite revolutionary Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, the Imam Mustavone Khomeini, (aka Mister Happy) issued his controversial St. Valentine’s Day ‘Fatwa’ against author Smoked Salmon Rushdie for writing the Satanic Nurses, a fictional literary work which laid bare the lascivious sexual escapades and human sacrifice practices of the Devil worshipping female medical staff at a Tehran hospital.

(A ‘Fatwa’ is an Islamic Mohammed Bond style 007 ‘Licence to Kill’, issued by a religious leader against some poor hapless sod who has supposedly offended Allah’s, or the Prophet’s, sensibilities, which earns the perpetrator carrying out said Fatwa lots of brownie points / extra virgins to shag when he gets to Paradise)

The novel's1988 launch led to widespread protests by Muslims, who regarded it as blasphemous, including the public burnings of several bookstores and screaming librarians that carried the work on their shelves.
Rushdie had to hide in a system of burrows dug in the grounds of his back garden for several years until the affair blew over, under special protection from the 22nd SAS Regiment’s Mole Patrol.
While he is now able to live a more public life, working as a school crossing Lollipop Man and going down the pub and Porkie’s Kebab Shop in an evening, he says the affair remains ‘an albatross around his neck’.

One Luton-based Muslim zealot who attempted to carry out the Ayatollah’s sentence of death on Rushdie the Heretic, after discovering his name and address in the ‘Michelin A to Z Guide to Fatwas’, only succeeded in blowing up Rushdie’s garden shed and rabbit hutch when his Semtex suicide vest detonated prematurely while he was climbing over the patio fence.

Some British Muslims today consider the Fatwa protest tactics damaged the missionary aims of the International Moslamics movement, while others maintain they helped prevent greater insults to Islam, apart from the hilarious Muhammad cartoons controversy which began after twelve editorial cartoons, one of which depicted the Prophet Muhammad with his turban styled to represent a smoking bomb, were published in the Danish ‘Shitt-Stirrers Gazette’ newspaper in September 2005.

This led to protests across the Muslim world, some of which escalated into violence with police pissing on the crowds from a dizzy height (resulting in more than a thousand urinary baptisms).
Further protests included setting fire to the Danish Embassies in Syria, Lebanon and Iran, storming a Danish bacon processing plant in Mecca, and Al Fatah’s Gaza Gangsters desecrating scores of Danish flags by repeated projectile diarrhoea splatterings and arse-wipings.

With the enforcement of the Fatwa being downplayed by the Iranian clergy some years ago for diplomatic reasons, Rusdie emerged from his subterranean warren into the light of day once again and became ‘Sir Salmon’ with a dub on each shoulder from Queen Elizabeth in the Monarch's Birthday Honours list in June of 2008: a mark of distinction condemned by die-hard fundamentalist Muslims around the world when the award was announced.

Sir Salmon, 94, wrote a number of acclaimed books during his many years of hiding under the garden turf after the publication of The Satanic Nurses, which won a Booker Prize in 1993. The Literary Review described the book as a “brilliant work of sexual fantasy, and jolly good wanking material.”

Friday, 13 February 2009

Jews Claim Patent Rights to Anti-Semitism

The BBC News this morning displays a headline banner “British Jews tell how they live under the threat of violence.”

A pity the Zionist-biased BBC don’t broadcast donation appeals for Gaza or carry headlines pronouncing “Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza tell how they live under the threat of violence.”

Recently quoted figures by Rabbi Sheldon Scrunt of the Smegmadale Synagogue Trust suggest 2009 is on course to become the worst year for anti-Semitic abuse in the UK since the last worse year.

Anti-What? Anti-Semitism? Anti-Semitic abuse?

Why do people deliberately confuse Semites / Semitism / anti-Semitism with religion? Semitism isn’t a religion, it originally referred to linguistic / racial types before the Jews adopted the phrase for their own nefarious uses.

The term Semite means a member of any of various ancient and modern people originating in southwestern Asia, including Akkadians, Canaanites, Phoenicians, Hebrews, Arabs and Ethiopians.
Semites: easily recognised as being hawk-nosed and able to grow a full beard in less than a week.

So, what is anti-Semitism? That suffered on a daily basis by the Semitic Palestinian populations of the West Bank and Gaza settlements, or do the Jews consider they have a monopoly on it?

Next, who’s complaining about anti-Semitic abuse in the UK?
Aha! The Jews!
The Jews: renown for their tradition of whingeing and complaining about anything and everything, especially anti-Semitism and the Holohoax. (and Iran)

The Jews Inc. / The, an absolute industry built on their misinterpreted religion and the numerous lost tribes of Israel.
A people who established themselves in Europe, then globally, through their historic tradition of money-lending and usury, then wonder why they’re disliked and not invited to join golf clubs.

Next, the Holocaust ! What Holocaust? The Holocaust recently inflicted on the civilian Palestinian population of Gaza by the Israeli Khazar terrorists, with white phosphorous, depleted uranium, and the US-gifted DIME weapons slicing pre-schoolers to death?

Or the other Holocaust? The one that the Jews keep harping on about : the one Hitler’s Nazis are supposed to have inflicted by snuffing six million of their number?

But to take the Jewish point of view for a moment, it isn’t very nice when some superior military force decides a spot of genocide is in order. Any Palestinian will agree with this fact too.
Bet they’ll also agree that being kicked off the land farmed by your family and ancestors for generations by some clunt called Iceberg or Frankenstein isn’t very nice either.

So sad, while the Jews practice dysgenics against the Palestinians, any mention of Jewish racism goes ignored by the Zionist-controlled Western media.

A question may be posed at this point as to why the Khazar Zionists wanted the Palestinian’s homeland as their own when one had already been successfully established decades previously : the Jewish Autonomous Region of Zion in Birobidjan, in Russia’s Far East.
This homeland meant no displacement of any indigenous people at its peaceful creation in 1928, or ever since, and has been a continuing safe haven for its population of real flesh and blood Jews – unlike the Zionist ‘Jewish’ imposters living in apartheid Israel.

But Israel has long ago exhausted their moral franchise as far as the Palestinians and the stolen land of Palestine are concerned. They are morally-bankrupt.

Let’s just readdress the main historical Jewish whinges once again. Sectarian hatred and the Holocaust genocide. Their rallying points for the call of “Poor us - Help!”

What are non-Jews referred to as? Goyim and Gentiles – that’s us. The blokes with foreskins and so on. The bacon butty eaters.
And what does the Jewish Talmud state? What do their radical Rabbi’s preach? That it’s okay to snuff the Gentiles. That it’s permissible to rob, cheat, abuse, rape, ruin, and snuff anyone who is not Jewish. Well, it’s in their holy book so it must be okay. Jehovah approves. Amen.

To reflect on the words of the future prime minister of Israel, David Ben Gurion in 1937: "We must expel the Palestinian Arabs and take their places."

Or perhaps the Zionist / Jewish master race credo of ex-Irgun terrorist leader and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin in a speech to the Knesset which appears to have been borrowed from the pages of Hitler’s Nazi Aryan super-race philosophy handbook.

“Our race is a Master Race. We Jews are divine gods on this planet. We are as different from the inferior races as they are from insects. In fact, compared to our race, other races are beasts and animals, cattle at best.
Other races are considered as human excrement. Our destiny is to rule over the inferior races. Our earthly kingdom will be ruled by our leader with rod of iron. The masses will lick our feet and serve us as our slaves.”

Hmmm, thank you, Menachem.

Perhaps one day soon their Rabbis might reflect upon the imminent coming of the Middle East’s Armageddon, and the destruction of Jerusalem, and read well the words of their own holy books.

Hosea 8:7- “For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.”

Jeremiah 7:32 – “I shall bury them in Topheth until there is no place left to bury.”