Saturday, 14 February 2009

Khomeini’s St. Valentine’s Day Fatwa Still Valid

Yes, it’s twenty years today since Iran's favourite revolutionary Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, the Imam Mustavone Khomeini, (aka Mister Happy) issued his controversial St. Valentine’s Day ‘Fatwa’ against author Smoked Salmon Rushdie for writing the Satanic Nurses, a fictional literary work which laid bare the lascivious sexual escapades and human sacrifice practices of the Devil worshipping female medical staff at a Tehran hospital.

(A ‘Fatwa’ is an Islamic Mohammed Bond style 007 ‘Licence to Kill’, issued by a religious leader against some poor hapless sod who has supposedly offended Allah’s, or the Prophet’s, sensibilities, which earns the perpetrator carrying out said Fatwa lots of brownie points / extra virgins to shag when he gets to Paradise)

The novel's1988 launch led to widespread protests by Muslims, who regarded it as blasphemous, including the public burnings of several bookstores and screaming librarians that carried the work on their shelves.
Rushdie had to hide in a system of burrows dug in the grounds of his back garden for several years until the affair blew over, under special protection from the 22nd SAS Regiment’s Mole Patrol.
While he is now able to live a more public life, working as a school crossing Lollipop Man and going down the pub and Porkie’s Kebab Shop in an evening, he says the affair remains ‘an albatross around his neck’.

One Luton-based Muslim zealot who attempted to carry out the Ayatollah’s sentence of death on Rushdie the Heretic, after discovering his name and address in the ‘Michelin A to Z Guide to Fatwas’, only succeeded in blowing up Rushdie’s garden shed and rabbit hutch when his Semtex suicide vest detonated prematurely while he was climbing over the patio fence.

Some British Muslims today consider the Fatwa protest tactics damaged the missionary aims of the International Moslamics movement, while others maintain they helped prevent greater insults to Islam, apart from the hilarious Muhammad cartoons controversy which began after twelve editorial cartoons, one of which depicted the Prophet Muhammad with his turban styled to represent a smoking bomb, were published in the Danish ‘Shitt-Stirrers Gazette’ newspaper in September 2005.

This led to protests across the Muslim world, some of which escalated into violence with police pissing on the crowds from a dizzy height (resulting in more than a thousand urinary baptisms).
Further protests included setting fire to the Danish Embassies in Syria, Lebanon and Iran, storming a Danish bacon processing plant in Mecca, and Al Fatah’s Gaza Gangsters desecrating scores of Danish flags by repeated projectile diarrhoea splatterings and arse-wipings.

With the enforcement of the Fatwa being downplayed by the Iranian clergy some years ago for diplomatic reasons, Rusdie emerged from his subterranean warren into the light of day once again and became ‘Sir Salmon’ with a dub on each shoulder from Queen Elizabeth in the Monarch's Birthday Honours list in June of 2008: a mark of distinction condemned by die-hard fundamentalist Muslims around the world when the award was announced.

Sir Salmon, 94, wrote a number of acclaimed books during his many years of hiding under the garden turf after the publication of The Satanic Nurses, which won a Booker Prize in 1993. The Literary Review described the book as a “brilliant work of sexual fantasy, and jolly good wanking material.”

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