Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Straw Nixes Release of Incriminating Cabinet Minutes

Minutes of New Labour's 2003 cabinet meetings in which ministers discussed PM Tony Bliar’s motivation for declaring a false flag illegal war against Iraq will not be made public, Injustice Secretary Jack Straw has ruled.

Jack ‘trust me’ Straw, the Labour MP for Twatford-on-Sea, is well known in Parliament as a jukebox politician (put a few coins in and they’ll dance to any tune you like).

His detractors view him as a frog who dreams of being a toad, and who pawned his moral francise and the ability to tell the truth when he joined New Labour’s cabinet ranks.

Straw, interviewed leaving a BUPA clinic where he had been undergoing treatment for chronic phimosis and an ingrowing foreskin, told reporters his political Masters had ordered him not to permit the release of records from 2003 discussions over the invasion of Iraq because it would cause too much ‘damage’ to democracy.

Asked by the media to elaborate the ‘too much damage to democracy' statement, Straw replied : "The release of the minutes will prove to be not so much an embarrassment but constitute a case of treason and grounds to charge ex-PM Bliar, Lord Goldslime and the entire 2003 cabinet with crimes against humanity.

The Muppet-faced Straw, looking like a refugee from a Spitting Images audition, evolved his congenital liar skills while in charge of the Home Office and later as Foreign Minister, and readily admits that he couldn’t tell the truth if he didn’t have a lie ready.

“It’s all part of the New Labour plan,” he told the political correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly. "If we started telling the truth then the common herd would catch on to our wheeler-dealings and result in a revolution and anarchy.”

In a candid aside, over a long and heavy lunch at ‘Shites’, an elite London club, Straw confided to the bill-footing reporters dining with him : “If I okayed the release of the Iraqi war decision cabinet minutes then the truth would be out that Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction was one of Tony’s main ‘weapons of mass distraction’ to get us into attacking Iraq.”

“That’s why we had to knock off David Kelly when he started wandering around and blathering to every sod and his dog that Saddam didn’t have any nukes or bio-chemical WMD’s and presented no danger to the West.”

Liberal Democrat MP for the Great Wall of China and Shadow Minister for Elderly Care, Sir Ming Campbell, said Straw’s decision was "profoundly disappointing as their revelations would hopefully cause a general election scenario."
Sir Mong criticised Straw using a clause in the Freedom of Information Act to block the release of details of the cabinet meetings in which the Iraq war's legality was debated solely because such release would do "serious damage" to Gordon’s Brown’s charade of a government and simply catered to individual Labour interests of self-preservation.

Sir Rupert Fuctifino,Tory MP for the Skeleton Coast and Shadow Secretary for Taxidermy, agreed with Campbell, telling reporters in an off-the-record aside that Straw was covering his own arse as the minutes of the cabinet discussions would reveal what a duplicious little cunt he was, and the public would find out who ordered MI5 to snuff David Kelly.

SNP spokesman Angus McTwat, described Straw’s move as a "blatant cover-up" and said an inquiry was needed so that lessons could be learnt from New Labour’s "worst foreign policy fuck up since their last worst foreign policy fuck up.”

However, Straw shrugged aside Parliamentary and media criticisms of his actions, stating “It’s in the British public’s best interests not to know the truth: about the 2001 WTC 9/11 attacks, Iraq’s lack of WMD’s or the 2005 7/7 London Tube bombings. We do these things to protect you. I’m a British Patriot, never forget that”

“Patriotism, as all students of history will know, is the last refuge of political scoundrels

Do you believe your name might have been mentioned during the Iraq invasion cabinet discussions?
Do you build weapons of mass distraction in your garden shed?
Have you ever worked as a Jolly Jihad suicide bomb martyr?
Have you ever been on an extreme rendition flight to sunny Iraq?

Fill in our online Freedom of Information request form below and some thugs from MI5 will call round to slash your wrists the next time you go for a walk in the neighbouring woods.

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