Healthy Lifestyle the Way to Beat Cancer

Over 90% of cancer cases in rich countries are preventable through diet, physical activity and weight control alone, experts from B & Q’s Slimming & Diet section told reporters.

Apparently simple measures like getting off your lazy fat arse and walking to the local Unemployment Centre to pick up your Job Seekers allowance instead of taking the car can make all the difference between good health and chronic illness.

Globally, each year, there are millions of these preventable cancer cases, according to estimates recently published by Gardening Weekly.
Arthur Fuctifino, cancer correspondent for the paper, said: "We’re expecting a substantial increase in cancer rates with people becoming television-addicted couch spuds and living off foods and drinks that I wouldn’t feed to me fuckin’ dogs.”
“All they need is to get some fruits, grains and salads down their necks. It’s real easy considering one tablespoon of organic cottage cheese and one of cold-pressed flax oil, taken daily, not only prevents cancer but cures it as well. Throw in the occasional red chilli, a knob of ginger and a clove of raw garlic and you’re good for a Century : fighting-fit healthy and cancer-free.”

Prof. Donald Scrunt, healthy living columnist for the Scaffolder’s Gazette, told BBC 2’s ‘Nation of Sickies’ programme that the government should bulldoze every Chew & Spew fast food outlet in the country and publicly flog supermarket managers who stock food, drink and toiletry products containing carcinogenic preservatives and colourings, and other noxious elements such as ground glass, polystyrene, depleted uranium and dubious neuro-toxic additives like fluoride and aspartame.

Conversely, Sir Harris Porkscratching, Tory MP for East Twatford and Chairman of the British Coffin Makers Association, told the media that “If we have everyone on a raw food diet, eating fruits and veggies and getting healthy, then the entire NHS system will collapse.”
“The NHS was designed around treating sickness, not promoting good health. Just think of all those doctors and nurses out of work with no more sickies to treat and having to rely on accident or gang-related violence patients to keep the hospitals going.”

“Plus the undertaking industry will go into recession, with cemetery gravediggers and crematorium staff thrown out of work. And look at big Pharma’ too – if the public get healthy then they won’t need any more medicines, and my shares in the drug companies will be worthless.”
“Keep the British public smoking and drinking, and eating high cholesterol fatty foods. Bugger the exercise - that causes hernias and heart attacks.”

The NHS’s cancer treatment industry’s ‘Chemotherapy Review’ today published a list of crucial anti-cancer Do’s & Don’ts :

If you smoke – cigarettes, bacon or kippers – give up.
Don’t drink the red, white or pink chemical shit that sells for £3 a bottle and poses as wine on supermarket shelves.
Read the label on a can of Stella before drinking it.
Do eat more raw fruits and salads.
Do turn the TV off and get out for some body and soul-enhancing exercise.
Avoid junk / fast food outlets like the Plague.
Bin the hands-free cellphone receiver stapled to your ear 24/7.
Don’t hang around nuclear testing sites.
Don’t let your children play with radioactive waste.