Bird-Loving Pensioner Receives Council Threats

When global warming made its malevolent tropical presence felt across the UK earlier this month, with ponds, lakes, rivers and canals frozen solid, and the countryside buried under heavy falls of snow, pensioner Pam Todd was more determined than ever to make sure there was plenty of food available for the local wildlife.

The keen nature lover braved the icy Winter elements to lay out a few trays of freshly-baked wildlife food in her back garden and on the front communal lawn outside her bungalow, as she has done for the last 20 years.

But the wildlife-loving pensioner has suddenly been told to stop her favourite pastime - or run the risk of a £2,500 fine and court conviction under the UK’s new terrorist laws that could lead to her ending up on an extreme rendition flight to Afghanistan where she would face torture and years of imprisonment with hard labour.

Milton Keynes Council claimed in a letter that by feeding the birds and other wild animals, Mrs Todd is guilty of littering and can face punishment under the council’s new Orwellian ‘Prevention of Individual Thought or Action’ laws.

Yesterday she told reporters the council could go and fuck themselves and vowed to carry on feeding the birds and little furry creatures - as the RSPB and the RSPCA backed her plight.

Mrs Todd, 66, a keen member of her local Wildlife Trust who keeps three fully grown velociraptors in her back garden, said: 'The council can kiss my hairy old arse. I go to the market and buy the offal from the butchers and the fishmongers, then cook it up for the poor starving wildlife that lives in the nearby woods.”

“Sometimes, as a real treat, I’ll roast a dead burglar or a couple of hoodie vandals, but I always clean all the left-over bones up after they’ve finished eating. The vultures, foxes and rat packs are always grateful, particularly when its snowing and they can't find food.”

The RSPB ran a national emergency campaign during the bad weather urging people to feed their garden birds.The charity's spokesman Gemma McTwat said: 'Food people put out during such severe snow is actually the difference between life and death for wild birds, especially the raptors like the local vulture breeds who really enjoy a hoodie’s barbequed rib cage to peck at.”

Milton Keynes council spokesman Arnold Kafka said anybody who drops food items in a public place could be deemed guilty of littering. He said: 'We support the use of bird feeders and other ways of feeding wildlife in people's own gardens but Mrs.Todd isn’t so much attracting rats and vermin by her feeding methods but purposely nourishing them.”

“We did send a health and sanitation officer around to view Mrs. Todd’s wildlife feeding arrangements after receiving a complaint over the remains of a half-eaten burglar hanging up in a tree in her back garden being pecked at by vultures. However, he’s not been seen since and none of our other health inspectors seem to have the bottle, or inclination, to follow up on the case.”