Friday, 6 February 2009

Millipede Kisses US Spy Agency Arses

Foreign Secretary David Millipede has told MPs that releasing classified US information could do "further significant damage" to the New Labour government’s credibility and ‘telling the truth’ was not in their best interests.

Publishing details of the inhumane treatment of veteran Guantanamo detainee Arthur Blenkinsop against US wishes could reveal what a bunch of lying bastards both the US and UK governments really are.
Mr. Blenkinsop, 30, a Yorkshire-born electrician, says he was kidnapped, illegally imprisoned and tortured, and the British MI6 intelligence agency was complicit.

But Millipede, in a fresh outburst of lying through his teeth, denied the CIA / NSA threatened to "break off" security cooperation if their secret illegal rendition flights and torture record documents were released to public scrutiny by the UK courts.

He told MPs: "Our intelligence relationship with the US is vital to the national security of the UK, and maintaining New Labour’s already fractured credibility. “

He added it was his juvenile opinion that "the disclosure of the intelligence documents at issue by order of UK courts, against the wishes of the US authorities, would indeed cause real and significant damage to the credibility of Labour’s Bliar and Brown leaderships".

Blenkinsop, from Huddersfield-on-Sea, has been held at secret rendition centres after being targeted by the US / UK military coalition intelligence agency spotters for looking like a “Middle-Eastern / Brazilian type” when he was kidnapped from a Butlin’s Holiday Camp in North Wales in 2003.

Mr. Blenkinsop alleges he was tortured while being held at various discount rendition centres in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Morocco, Brussels and Luton, but was unable to reply to his interrogators’ questions as they were always spoken in Arabic.

“They got all pissed-off like cos I couldn’t understand them. I kept sayin’ ‘Me Electrician – me from Huddersfield’, but it never got through their thick heads.They only spoke some daft towel-head lingo an’ I’ve only got a wee bit of schoolboy French apart from me Yorkshire English, so they took to torturing me.”
“Being a confirmed bachelor type, and a bit gay, I didn’t so much mind getting buggered, but the strappado and thumb screws really brought a tear to me eyes.”

The US has denied that his confession of being the head of Al Qaeda in Huddersfield was extracted by torture, stating that they just pulled out the odd fingernail, shoved a cattle prod up his mangy Arab ass, and gave him an occasional water-boarding session after he admitted being an 'Electrician'.

Conservative shadow foreign secretary Willhelm Vague demanded Millipede raise the issue with the new O’Barmy administration in the US as to why Mr. Blenkinsop spent years incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay before anyone realised he was a Yorkshireman.
He further postured the question of how “intelligent” are the US/UK coalition intelligence agencies when they can’t tell the difference between Arabs and Brazilians, think 'Muslim' is a racial type and believe “Electrician” is a Middle-Eastern nationality.

Millipede replied that the government had undertaken "a strenuous effort" to secure Mr. Blenkinsop's release from Guantanamo and return to the UK once it was discovered, belatedly, that he was in fact a practicing Christian at Huddersfield’s Pancake Tuesday Adventist Church and as harmless as a Teletubbie.

However Amnesty International director Kate Twatscratcher said: "It's not enough to pass this matter to a semi-secret committee, instead we need a proper independent public inquiry into Arthur Blenkinsop's case and the wider practice of rendition and secret detention."
“I mean, how stupid are the War on Terror coalition intelligence services when they kidnap a man on holiday at Butlin’s in North Wales because he admitted to being an electrician and looks slightly Brazilian, then it takes them six years to discover he comes from Huddersfield. I mean, his Yorkshire accent might sound foreign but it isn’t exactly Arabic.”

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