Thursday, 5 February 2009

UK Government Holds Burglary Summit

Minister for Stabvests Jacqui Smith is holding a "burglary summit" for England and Wales amid fears more homes will be broken into because of the deepening recession. (Oh yes, the Ministry for Stating the Bloody Obvious strikes yet again)

She will meet plods, insurance firms, DIY stores, charity shop representatives, and vigilante / lynching groups as well as launching a crime prevention campaign in each of the nation’s fish and chip shops.

It was noted that break-in’s of homes in England and Wales started to rise during December 2008 when burglars themselves began to feel the Christmas credit crunch.

Ms. Smith said while historically burglaries rose during recessions, there was nothing "inevitable" about it, especially so when the poverty-stricken general public didn’t have anything left worth stealing as it’s all been pawned at Cash Converters or repossessed by the bailiffs..

However, Vinnie McTwat, spokesman for the burglars’ union, Break-ins, told the media that domestic property thieves themselves are being exceptionally wary of forced entry robbery of even middle class homes since the recession took hold as several of their number are rumoured to have been summarily snuffed and ended up in the freezers of hungry / starving householders.

McTwat informed reporters “It ain’t bleedin’ on yer know. Some of our members ‘ave fallen into garden pit traps and got skewered wiv punji spears made outa bamboo canes from Homebase. Very nasty when they’ve bin smeared wiv dogshit.”

BBC home affairs correspondent Doug Snotford said that over the last 600 years robbery rates appeared to have peaked at times of extreme economic hardship, such as during the Crusades, the Peasant’s Revolt, the Black Death, both World Wars and Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government.

The summit, which will also involve Neighbourhood Lynch representatives, aims to work out ways of limiting opportunities for burglars and coincides with the launch of a Parliamentary-approved crime prevention campaign by allowing home owner victims to shoot-on-sight house-breakers and the addition of wheelie coffins to a household’s recycle bin quota to dispose of the dead bodies.

Ms. Smith told BBC Breakfast that crowbars, tyre irons and glass cutters (The typical burglar tools of the trade) would henceforth require a police permit to purchase.
Last year, a leaked memo from Ms Smith to Gordon Brown warned of a likely increase in "acquisitive" crimes, including burglary, as a result of New Labour and the country's greedy inept bankers totally screwing up the UK economy and causing a recession.
Ms. Stabvest further added “We have to try and convince these burglar types that crime does not pay : even though it obviously does.”

However, on a more optimistic note, senior Metropolitan Police Guessologist, Professor Tom Foolery, stated that recorded burglary crime was now down by 9% in England and Wales since police stopped recording it.

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