Monday, 23 February 2009

Tories to Ground Young Scallies

In a novel plan unveiled by the Conservatives to curb anti-social behaviour and street crime by young troublemakers they could be confined to their homes, outside school hours, for as long as a month.

Shadow Home Secretary, Chris McPillock, MP for East Twatford and a former greeter at Toys-R-Us, told reporters that young yobs and yobettes who break their curfew orders could well expect to be sent to bed without any supper.

However, in response, Home Secretary Jacqui ‘Second Home’ Spliff, said this was the most stupid idea the Tories had come up with since their last stupid idea, which resulted in them making David Cameron party leader.

In a speech to parents at the Asbo Central Primary School, Mr. McPillock declared that should the Conservatives win power at the next general election "I will instruct our plods to remove young troublemakers from the streets altogether, not just move them on to disrupt a different street."

McPillock added that tough action was needed to stamp out anti-social behaviour and recommended that ten year-olds caught causing trouble should be "sent home to bed" with a good smack on the back of their legs.

"Our police should have powers to go straight to a magistrate and get an order against that troublemaker confining them to their homes for up to a month - except for during school hours. And if they break that curfew order they should expect to find themselves crossed off Santa’s Christmas present list.”

He said that if the Conservatives won the next election and he was home secretary he would "stop the ridiculous system of cautions that has built up even for serious offences such as arson, drug pushing, armed robbery and mass murder.”
"The Conservatives are the party of law and order - law and order based on common sense, strong families and communities and a system where parents know what their children are doing after dark and don’t have to worry about them practicing Satanic rites in the local park and sacrificing virgins or getting involved in vampirism or lycanthropy.”

Conversely, the Lib-Dem shadow home secretary Victor McCrunt told the media he was at odds with McPillock’s plans and wished to introduce a policy wherein youngsters getting slapped with an ASBO were automatically deported to the conflict regions of West Africa, such as Sierra Leone, and enlisted in one of the many children’s armies so they could work off their aggressive frustrations in a more suitable war zone environment.

Do you agree with Mr. McPillock’s plans and want your rowdy, shit-for-brains children hanging around the house for a whole month? Would you sooner have them lobotomised? Do any of your children belong to an African warlord’s army? Fill out one of our online application forms below so they can join up tomorrow and get paid in conflict diamonds. (Uniform and AK47 supplied)

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