Super-Mandy Saves Royal Mail

Yes, New Labour PM Gordon (we didn’t vote for you) Brown’s recently-appointed Business Secretary ‘Peter Super-Mandelson’ comes to the rescue of the ailing Royal Mail and saves it from extinction due it’s inability to evolve.

Faster than a speeding mullet, more powerful than a marauding hamster, Super-Mandy, aka, Vermin in Ermine, strikes yet again to steer Britain’s debt-ridden, bankrupt arse out of shit creek.

Peter ‘Mandy’ Mandelson, the ex-Labour MP for Faggotpool, whose frequency of being fired from cabinet posts got his name into the ‘Political Scandals’ section of the Guinness Book of World Records, has now managed to have his bony arse inducted into the dodgy deviant ranks of the House of Lords with the fitting title ‘Baron Mandelson of Slime’.

Despite vehement criticism from the Post Office ‘Communication Workers Union’ who oppose the privatisation or break-up of the Royal Mail, Mandelson stands by his controversial plans to sell off 30% of the company as the only way to ensure court default notices, and council tax, utilities and credit card bills continue to be delivered promptly to every recession-plagued home in the UK.

Further, Mandy’s scheme has met strong criticism from both Lib-Dem and Conservative shadow ministers for communications, with accusations of him serving the demands of his NWO banking masters over the privatisation to the detriment of the many and benefit of the few.

Sir Wolfram Gizzard, Tory MP for Twatford-on-the-Wold, demanded Parliament investigate claims that the Royal Mail sell-off was linked to Mandelson being one of the Rothchild’s six-string Muppets and the sale would not be tendered but rather presented on a silver platter to parties of self-interest : specifically Russian oligarch Oleg Scumsky.

Scumsky, who boasts his own navy and air force, and three of the UK’s Premier league football clubs, pawned his moral franchise in the final days of Boris Yeltsin’s reign, making billions from the sale of everything than wasn’t screwed down across the USSR.

With rumours rife that the real reasons for the sell-off is to conceal the Royal Mail's huge pension fund £6 billion deficit, and who is responsible for this fuck-up of Biblical proportions, Mandelson countered that the rise of e-mail meant the old style postal services (message in bottle, pony express, pigeon post, man with forked stick bearing message) would never be profitable in their current forms.

Hence Mandelson plans on introducing a Royal Mail monopoly of First Class and Second Class e-mail services, so what you now get from your internet service provider, or Yahoo / MSN, for zilch you will, under Baron Slime’s topsy-turvy make-believe scheme, hereafter pay a privatised Royal Mail e-service a premium rate. To wit : 75 pence for First Class e-mail (instant delivery) and 55 pence for Second Class (next day delivery, perhaps).

Mandelson, who started his political career as a junior sphincter stretcher, told the communications correspondent from the Lobster Strangler’s Gazette that he wished to combine 21st Century e-technology with the original foundation stone principles of the Royal Mail.
As Sudan and Ethiopia had both recently joined the EU then he wished to replenish the ranks of our traditional arthritic postmen with an influx of fuzzy-wuzzies from Darfur and Eritrea which would form the core of the Royal Mail’s reintroduction of its famous “Penny Black” service, as poverty-stricken African gollies would run around in bare feet, all day and night, delivering letters and parcels, and work for Pennies.

Gutter press rumours are rife that PM Gordon Brown has asked Mandelson, once he's finished taking the ‘Royal’ out of Royal Mail, to run for Parliament again and further tempted his power-hungry palate with a newly-created cabinet post of Minister for Buggery and Skullduggery.