Sunday, 22 February 2009

Plods Hospitalised After Suspect Bio-Chem Attack

Thirteen police officers from the Baker’s Dozen anti-terrorist squad were rushed to hospital last night after a suspicious noxious-smelling bio-chemical substance was detected inside a parked car.

A spokesplod for the Metropolitan Police said the Baker’s Dozen squad, comprising of ten plods and three plodettes, responded to reports of an "unusual smell" coming from a car with an open window in Crapfield, north London.

They noticed an unknown brown substance inside leaking out of a paper-wrapped parcel which they at first suspected was common or garden shit until they observed a Koran and a prayer mat on the back seat of the vehicle and realised it could possibly be an Al Qaeda bio-chemical terrorist attack.

Several of the officers who breathed in the smell of the substance suffered severe allergic reactions and went into anaphylactic shock, with all being in a comatose state when they reached hospital.

Forensic officers from MI5’s Bio-Hazard Attack division were summoned to evaluate the intensity of the threat and determine whether the Greater London area should be evacuated.
It was noted that the label on the parcel showed a picture of the Houses of Parliament and it was assumed the terrorists had intended to drive the vehicle to a close proximity of the seat of government before launching their attack but something had gone wrong causing a premature activation of the bio-chem’ weapon.

The vehicle was swiftly encapsulated in a vacuum sealed shroud, rolled into a cargo net and hoisted aloft by a Sikorsky helicopter then flown to the Porton Down Bio-Warfare research lab.

A spokes-spook for the Porton Down facility told a press conference later that once the vehicle’s parcel was moved to a secure bio-hazard chamber and opened it was discovered to contain several bottles of HP brown sauce, one of which had a faulty cap and allowed the contents leak out.

The iconic brand had been associated with the great British fry-up and as a dip for meat pies for centuries until the substance was declared too toxic and hazardous to be produced in a populated area any longer under EU Food Safety regulations in 2006.
Production of the pungent spicy sauce was then ‘out-sourced’ (sic / no pun intended) to India where nobody really gives a shit about environmental hazards or factory safety laws.

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