Sunday, 8 February 2009

Athletes Compete to Set Weirdest World Records

Some say the motive lies in the human competitive spirit, others put it down to global warming. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster say the recession’s to blame, while the media’s psychology pundits pronounce “the world’s gone mad : yet again!”

A 56-year-old American athlete has become the first woman on record to follow in the watery footsteps of Magellan and swim around the world non-stop. However, it must be remembered that Magellan, being a non-swimmer, circumcised the world with a three-masted cutter.

Jennifer Frigge had planned to swim from the Cape Verde islands off Africa to Trinidad but with a strong seasonal current behind her she plodded on, rounding Cape Horn just twenty days later. From there it was a quick six weeks dash across the Southern Pacific, through the Torres Straits, across the Indian Ocean, round the Cape of Good Hope and a freestyle sprint up the west coast of Africa, and back to the Cape Verde capital of Praia.

Ms. Frigge, interviewed by a fascinated, gob-smacked media, was asked what she had missed most during her marathon swim, replying “Pizza, Bacardi Breezers, and a good shag : not necessarily in that order.”
Doctors examining Ms. Frigge reported she was in splendid physical condition, apart from developing a set of gills and webbed feet due her singular diet of raw fish.

Scandanavian explorer and radical outdoors survivalist Anders Bonkersonn recently attempted to set a record with his non-stop snowboard run from the Antarctica’s Ross Ice Shelf to the South Pole and back wearing only a pair of socks and a jock strap.
The attempt failed when Bonkersonn suffered extreme hypothermia, lost his genitals to frostbite and became delusional, suffering hallucinations that the penguins were laughing at him.

At the opposite end of the Earth, Greenlander Gunther Nogg, an unemployed hedgehog sharpener, surpassed predicted expectations in his attempt to travel in a series of leaps and bounds, non-stop, from the capital of Nuuk to the North Pole on his custom-built SnowMaster pogo stick.

Nogg planted his celebratory flag at the magnetic pole well within the schedule for the outgoing leg of his journey but suffered a severe bout of PSF (Pogo Stick Fatigue) and whiteout dementia on the return leg after his GPS satnav croaked and he crossed Ellesmere Island and Baffin Bay by mistake, arriving back in Nuuk to claim his Guinness World Record in a state of exhaustion and with only hours to spare.
Asked by reporters what he wanted most now he was safely home in Nuuk, the reply was “Plenty of Nuukie.”

In Dubai the Muslim mystic Achmed the Unbreakable, who publicly boasts to have survived all fourteen of his Semtex vest suicide bombings, last week failed in his attempt to set a record for the highest freefall dive from a tall building into a thousand gallon jeroboam of festering guacamole.

Standing on the North face edge of Dubai’s new 2,500 foot Burj stratosphere scraper, Achmed dived off head first, was caught in mid-descent by a strong cross wind, missed his intended soft landing guacamole target by fifty meters and crashed into a nearby camel shit midden.
Doctors hope Achmed will make a full recovery after they manage to get his head from up his arse.

While the much-promoted scheduled team efforts to set a new Tomcat Peeling record have been cancelled due an injunction filed by the RSPCA, the latest news reports from the Guinness World Record adjudicators covering the Raid Gauloises Trans-Saharan egg and spoon race are expected later this evening.

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