Monday, 16 February 2009

British & French Nuke Submarines Collide Mid-Atlantic

A Royal Navy nuclear submarine was recently involved in a collision with a French Marine Nationale nuclear sub in the middle of the Atlantic, the MoD has confirmed.
The Royal Navy’s HMS Blunkett and the French navy’s Le Merde were badly damaged in the crash earlier this month.

First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Wentworth Scrunt told Parliament that HMS Blunkett was stationary and parked in a deep whale-mating area of the mid-Atlantic, watching a pod of sperm whales having a good old shagging session, when the French navy’s Le Merde, cruising carelessly along, well in excess of the statutory speed limit, crashed bow-first into the Blunkett’s starboard quarter. No injuries were reported, apart from the ship’s cat shitting itself.

Both the UK and France insisted nuclear security had not been compromised.
However Caroline Muffitch, spokeslut for the Ministry of Defence’s ‘Eye Patches and Wooden Legs’ department told a war correspondent from the Tortoise Polisher’s Gazette that the incident was "incredibly embarrassing".
She said HMS Blunkett, with "very visible dents and scrapes to the bodywork, and a wing mirror missing", had to be towed back into its home base on the Bridgewater Canal by an AA tugboat.

The two submarines are key parts of each nation's nuclear deterrent, and were carrying missiles, though both the UK and France have obviously insisted there was no danger of a nuclear incident even though both are powered by nuclear reactors and the HMS Blunkett was armed with an excess of 48 nuclear warheads for Trident missiles and Barracuda torpedoes.
However, any submarine crew members suffering from rapid hair loss, loose teeth or profuse bleeding from the gums and bodily orifices have been advised to seek prompt medical attention.

While both submarines are equipped with ‘silent ping’ sonar to detect other vessels, they are further coated with anti-sonar fish scale paint and cloaked by stealth technology devices, hence can’t see each other while submerged.

Meanwhile, SNP Westminster leader Angus McTwat has called for a government statement.
"The Ministry of Defence needs to explain how it is possible for a multi-billion pound high-tech’ state-of-the-art Royal Navy submarine, carrying weapons of mass distraction, to collide with a Froggie submarine, also carrying nuclear weapons, in the middle of the world's second-largest ocean.”

The Ministry’s Ms. Muffitch, right on the ball, promptly issued the reply that the incident was what is known in naval terms as a “total fuck-up”.

The Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament described the collision as "a nuclear nightmare of the highest order".
CND chair Kruella McSlut said: "The collision of two submarines, both with nuclear reactors and nuclear weapons onboard, could have released vast amounts of radiation and scattered scores of nuclear warheads across the seabed : and that’s the best case scenario.”
“A worse one would be if a nuclear weapon detonated and caused a calamity of Biblical proportions."
“Just look at the history of surface and submerged submarine collisions, these things crash into each other like Tesco shopping trolleys on a Saturday afternoon.”

On March 19, 1998, off Long Island, and in clear weather, the USS Kentucky (Ohio class ballistic missile submarine) was on the surface, and the USS San Juan (Los Angeles class attack submarine) was submerged, when the latter ran head-on into the former, causing the sinking of both vessels. An inquiry concluded that naval personnel suffering from patent blindness or myopia should not be allocated look-out or periscope duty.

When the nuclear submarine HMS Lost, supposedly on a training exercise in the South Pacific, ran aground off the coast of Scotland in 2002, the damage was estimated at £50 million. An ensuing scandal embarrassed the government when it was discovered that while the entire crew had abandoned ship and decamped to a nearby pub until the tide came back in, a gang of pikeys had pillaged the deserted sub and made off with the nuclear reactor which they sold to an Aberdeen scrapyard.

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