Friday, 27 February 2009

RBS Boss Scoops Pension Bonanza

Royal Bank of Scumland boss Sir Fred Good-for-nothing, who recently quit as the bank’s CEO, has scooped a record-breaking “Rewards for Failure” pension bonanza.

Four months after fucking up the finances of the Royal Bank of Scumland, the former chief executive is under fire for the generosity of his £650,000-a-year pension.

Commonly described as a greedy, grasping cunt by fellow loss-generating bankers, Sir Fred's position became untenable as the bank was propped up with £20bn of taxpayers money - now bolstered by a further £13bn cash injection.

Sir Fred was in charge at RBS for nine years and steered it from being a global icon and one of the world's top five banks into a penniless financial calamity of Biblical proportions due his inept investment policies and gross incompetence.
His committing the RBS to continuing sponsorship of the Williams Formula One team and the Six Nations rugby union championship are now viewed as the acts of a ‘spendthrift dildo’.

The current line of thought directed towards bankers and their ‘obscene’ salaries, bonuses and pensions by the British public is that they be pilloried, lashed and stoned, or crucified, after having a septic cormorant stuffed up their back passage: beak-first.

Treasury spokewoman Candida Mingerot told the finance correspondent for the Hedgehog Stampers Weekly that Mr. Good-for-nothing’s refusal to give up his £693,000-a-year pension was "unfortunate and unacceptable".

The new RBS chairman Sir Hugh Jampton, appointed earlier this month, said he had asked Mr. Good-for-nothing two weeks ago to voluntarily reduce the pension but had been told to go and ‘fuck himself’.

While the average single status old age British pauper is expected to survive on a retirement pension figure of £90:70p per week, Good-for-nothing’s annual pension of £693,000 divvies up at a modest £13,326 per week.

Speaking to the prestigious financial publication, The Greedy Twats Gazette, in an off-the-record accord, Good-for-nothing explained “How the fuck am I supposed to live off a shitty ninety quid a week pension after the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to. That amount wouldn’t even pay the parking fines for me effin’ Bentley.”

He further stated he voluntarily agreed to a series of ‘gestures’ in October, when he was negotiating his departure from the bank, such as foregoing compensation for his lost tea and coffee allowance, and the gratis weekly copies of the Beano, and Dandy, and Banker’s Weekly comic books.

So, to reflect on the New Testament’s Matthew 16:26 quote of : What doth it profit a man ….etc, et al ? What doth it profit this man? : £13,326 a week for life – that’s what – and the immortal soul be fucked !

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