Wixams Head Teacher : School & Pupils Wanted.

The Wixams, a 750-acre development near Smegmadale-on-Sea, was supposed to be one of ex-deputy prime minister John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott’s flagship new towns designed to ease Britain’s housing crisis, creating cheap homes for millions of people who were fortunate enough to have jobs and a regular income.

The town was designed to have its own schools, Polish delicatessen, mosque and madrassa, library, betting shops, meat pie factory, drug rehab’ clinic, a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous and a Samaritan’s self-harm and suicide helpline, several Witherspoon pubs, a lap dancing bar, five Pound Stretcher stores and a Job Centre for any of the intended population who ever felt inclined to look for work.

To date, only a handful of wigwams and two garden sheds have ever been erected and just three homeless Big Issue vendors and several Roland Rat look-alikes have moved in.

One thing it does have, though, is a head teacher who is being paid £60,000 a year, plus a performance bonus, to run the White Elephant Primary School although it has no buildings and even less pupils.

Smegmadale County Council, which had hoped the school would be built several years ago, admits it still hasn’t the funds to buy the bricks and cement to begin construction after spending its annual budget on CCTV cameras to spy on the town’s population of three.

However, in an attempt to divert media attentions from the embarrassing fact they have a head teacher but no school, council officials said the school head, Ms. Chlamydia Muffitch, is ‘busy preparing’ for an opening date in September. Which September is yet to be announced.

Liberal Democrat councillor Glenda Twatrot said: “We have a head teacher but no school and no children and I think this situation is going to continue for several years at least, or until we have a Lib’ Dem’ government in power.”

Bernard Scrunt, chief executive of the TaxPayers’ Alliance, said: "It’s a bleedin’ pantomime and an absurd waste of taxpayers’ money. This headmistress should never have been hired if there was no job for her to do. I’ve seen better organised riots. It’s an effin’ Chinese fire drill.”

Sapphie Dildodo, Shadow Gay Communities Secretary, said: ‘This is yet another example of New Labour’s, and Porkie Prescott’s, lack of foresight.”
"The project could have been completed in the good years but due to Prescott’s incompetence and dithering there is now the ridiculous situation where a head teacher has been hired at £60 grand a year with no school built, let alone the town that was expected to provide the pupils. Personally I consider the entire fiasco to be a Class One fuck-up."

The Wixams – described by developers Shit-4-Brains Estates as one of the ‘most stupid ideas Prescott ever came up with’ – was one of a raft of new towns encouraged by New Labour following a damning report in 1998 from the Bank of England calling for millions of new homes to be built in the South East by 2025 to solve the country’s shortage of cheap crap housing and shackle the hapless buyers to a lifetime of unaffordable mortgaged debt.

But construction came to a dead stop after the contractors were never paid for turning the intended 750 acre development site from lush green rolling fields and woodlands into a mud and puddle wasteland and environmental disaster.

However Shit-4-Brains Estates were quick to defend their position, stating "We are working to ensure that The Wixams remains on track. Provision of landscaping is continuing to ensure that a quality environment is provided eventually, with a mixed planting of sixty acres of rhubarb and dock leaves last autumn alone. Once the council come up with some money to pay us, then we’ll start the actual building."

Councillor Rita Slagg, the Smegmadale-on-Sea Secretary for Education, said: "The council is moving forward with the planned financing and construction of the school so that the first phase of building is in place for September 2020. We’re organising several fund-raising events including car boots, jumble sales, and Ann Summers sex toy and lingerie parties.”