Thursday, 12 February 2009

UK Public Want ‘Banksters’ Crucified

Public anger continues to rage over huge bonuses being paid to bankers at a time when the same banks have received mega-billion pound bailouts of tax-payers money to keep afloat after they’ve screwed up the UK financial system, caused a recession and have now become the most hated of institutions since the Spanish Inquisition and the Thatcher government.

While the economy itself suffers an extinction-level event, with the number of job losses and house repossessions increasing at a geometric rate, top bankers are still calculating their annual bonuses and 2009 salary increases.

Hence, in an effort to avert a full scale Revolution and class war slaughter of Biblical proportions the Treasury has formed a committee to conduct a sham two day hearing into the banking crisis and issue of bonuses.
This charade will be implemented under the guise of an official reprimand to appease the infuriated public, smack a couple of offender’s wrists and say “Naughty boy, your name’s been crossed off the honour’s list.”

Just as the hearing got underway former deputy prime minister John ‘Two Jags’ Prescott paused halfway through scoffing of a meat and potato pie to present a gravy-stained petition, with some 23,000.000 signatures, to the House of Commons Treasury Committee Chairwoman, Candida Twatrot, demanding the bailed-out banks pay no million-pound bonuses to their senior scam artists.

The offending salvaged bank heads appearing before the committee included the CEO of the RBGB (Royal Bank of Grasping Bastards) Steven Hustler who joined the bank in 2007 after answering a JobCentre Plus advertisement for someone who could count to ten without using their fingers. His salary, expenses and bonus for 2008 were slightly higher than Nepal’s GNP of £5,000,000.

Chief Monk at the Abbey Bank, Antonio Whoreta Arsolio, was appointed head of the bank in 2006 after a career of watching paint dry at B & Q’s decorating division. His bonus for 2008 alone exceeded Cambodia’s national debt.

Baron Hymie Wankenstein, Head of Financial Guessology for the IBGG, (International Bank Of Greed and Gluttony) who were recently awarded a £65 billion rescue package by the government, pocketed a salary, expenses and bonus package in 2008 that exceeded the cost of NASA’s last Mars Rover probe, including rocket fuel.
Wankenstein told the Treasury Committee hearing that the IBGG’s collapse due bad investments in the US sub prime loans market wasn’t really his fault as he had never been much good at arithmetic when at school, but did quite well in woodwork classes.

The conjoined Siamese twin brother CEO’s of Northern Cock-up & Avarice Investments, Sheldon and Seymour Fuctifino, both former money laundering consultants for Pound Stretcher, declined to reveal their 2008 salary and bonus packages, which media reporters estimated to, individually, exceed a “King’s Ransom”.

The hearing was adjourned for two hours on Wednesday when the Japanese CEO of the First Bank of Wankahama, Turbo Titsupjii apologised for the collapse of his bank then committed ritual seppuku with a can opener as an act of penitence for accepting a bonus of Yen 85,000,000,000 ( £200,000). The hearing continued after Mr. Titsupjii’s blood and entrails were mopped up.

Sir Victor Sleaze, Chairman of HBOS, (Haiitian Bank of Septicemia) informed the Treasury hearing he wasn’t even aware his bank had gone into receivership until reading about it in the business section of the Tortoise Polisher’s Weekly News while taking his annual 49 week holiday in the Bahamas.

Lord Scumbag of Shitcreek, Head of Bradford & Bungley’s Channel Islands-based Tax Evasion unit, complained that if his 2008 bonus was withheld he would no longer be able to afford both his private jets and the 200 foot family yacht.

Also targeted by the committee for their moment of scorn in the public pillory were the heads of Skunks et Cie Investment, Lizard & Graspers Bank, Shitbag Brothers, Merrill-Lynched and Goldberg-Snatch.
Former Royal Bank of Sleazeland chief executive Lord Victor Scrunt told MPs on the Treasury Committee he "could not be more sorry for himself" for what had happened.

The Margrave of Rockall, Sir Hector McTwat, and CEO of High Street pariah, Lloyds MSRA, arrogantly informed the hearing that while the British working classes were able to cope with mass unemployment and poverty, the upper echelons of society, such as himself, had no experience of penury or privation, and thus deserved their bonuses to maintain the style of living to which they were accustomed.

Appearing before the Treasury Committee in sackcloth and ashes, and rubbing an onion into his eyes, Morgan Stanley Investments Audit Chief Oliver Hardy, referring to the US sub-prime loans crisis, claims he told CEO Stan Laurel : “Another fine mess you’ve got us into Stanley”.

The committee head Ms. Twatrot informed the hearing assembly she had received thousands of e-mails and letters on the issue of why such inflated salaries and bonuses were paid to total incompetents.
She opined that many wished to see the Darwinian principle of survival of the fittest apply and let the failing banks go to the wall and start again from scratch.

Ms. Twatrot, formerly Keeper of the Royal Piggy Bank, then asked the assembled bank chiefs if it had ever occurred to them that their sub-prime and financial derivatives speculations, based on a fractional reserve banking system, might one day reach critical mass and cause a massive chain reaction, throwing the entire global economy into recession: as had recently occurred.

While the CEO of Scumbank International requested Ms. Twatrot to repeat the question, the Head of Bean Counting and Number Juggling for Lizard and Graspers Bank suggested they ask the audience, and the Chairman of the Credit Sleaze Bank asked if he could phone a friend.

Shaking her head at their collective bungling and incompetence Ms. Twatrot then asked "Hence, as the overpaid heads of failed financial institutions, why do you think you are hated and derided so much by the public?"

Answers there were none.

But on the issue of salary increases and bonuses, Ms. Twatrot said if bankers felt they were not paid enough, they could leave and get jobs in the real world, which might prove a fatal shock when they discovered what the actual minimum wage really is and that the common working man actually survives on a lot less than five thousand pounds per week.

Many people in the public gallery of the Treasury Committee hearing thought the Roman punishment of being stitched into a leather sack with a savage wild animal and then thrown into a rushing river was a fitting punishment for the erring bankers, but it was collectively considered inhumane to do that to an innocent wild animal.

No comments: