Saturday, 28 February 2009

Ryanair to Charge for Inflight Toilet Use

The chief executive of budget airline Ryanair, Mick O'Leering, while imbibing a few pints with old mate Des Murphy, the travel correspondent of the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette, declared in a half-pissed faux pas that the Dublin-based carrier is looking at installing a "coin slot on the toilet door”.

O’Leering added “It’s dis fuckin’ recession puttin’ der pressure on us, yer know, so we’re gonna have ter charge der punters a pound ter spend a penny.”
“Yer never know, if we feeds der passengers mobs of cut-price Guinness and steamin’ hot vindaloo curries, den we could well make a fair killin’ in profits at a quid per potty run.”

However O’Leering’s intentions have met with staunch criticism from IATA and the airline consumer group Crash-n-Sue Travel, who both stated Ryanair was putting "profit before passengers".

Candida Twatrot, head of research at Crash-n-Sue Travel, said: "It seems Ryanair is prepared to plumb any depth to make a fast buck and, once again, is putting profit before the comfort of its customers.”
"Charging people to go to the toilet might result in fewer people buying overpriced drinks on board and eating their crap snacks and dog-eared stale sandwiches.”
“Seriously, if this is Ryanair’s idea of sound business practice, then I’ve seen better organised riots. Passengers scratting around for change and pound coins while bursting for a pee, or worse, is simply going to end up like a Chinese fire drill.”

Ryanair's PR chief Paddy Fuctifino later played down the idea, saying: "I don't think it's going to happen in the foreseeable future".
"It's just another one of those embarrassing moments that crop up when our daft cunt of a boss gets on the piss and starts gobbing off about ways of making a quick buck out of his passengers."
Conversely, in a cryptic aside, he added: "I don't think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound in their pocket.”

Last week Ryanair confirmed it planned to close all of its own airport check-in desks by the end of the year in a bid to reduce the cost of its flights even further, with some gutter press hacks suggesting that Ryanair would soon be paying passengers to fly with them.

While Ryanair aims to offer low basic ticket prices, it intends to have passengers stow their own luggage in the cargo holds, carry out pre-flight checks, refuel the aircraft, and, on longer haul flights, to act as co-pilots and stewardesses. IATA recently described Ryanair as a ‘circus without a tent’.

Michael Sheamus O’Leering, multi-millionaire CEO of Ryanair, started his working career as an apprentice wheelbarrow mechanic, whose entry into the air travel industry came about through selling kites and balloons at Pikey car boot sales around Mulligatawny in his home province of County Clot.
Described by friends and enemies alike as ‘a bit of a thick spud’ and ‘having a lot of mongrel in his genes’, O’Leering’s charismatic personality nevertheless led to him becoming a motivational speaker for the False IRA, before switching his allegiance to the Real IRA.

His entry into Eire’s Parliament in 1976 saw him made the youngest member of Prime Minister Flanagan’s Cabinet at 15 years old, where he headed the Ministry for Turnips as he was the only one who could count past ten, use large numbers and understood the meaning of big words.
He joined Ryanair after winning a lifetime directorship in an online Irish Braille Suduko competition in 1991.

Ryanair has been criticised for some of its practices and was voted the "least favourite airline" in a 2006 poll by the Angler’s Weekly News, with rival low cost airline Plummet-Jet coming second.
One reason cited, relative to other airlines, was unfriendly and complacent staff who were in the habit of telling complaining passengers to “Go fuck yerself.”
Critics have attacked its hidden "taxes", fees and limited customer services and charged that it practises deceptive advertising.

In November 2006, it was revealed as the subject of more complaints than any other airline in the known Universe.
60% of all complaints to Ireland's regulatory Commission for Pigeons and Planes were about Ryanair, amounting to four hundred thousand complaints per half-million passengers each year.

O'Leering himself has a evolved a somewhat fiery reputation among both his competitors in the airline industry and regulators.
Many press articles have described him as arrogant, and prone to making comments which he later regrets.
While being questioned by the media on Ryanair’s plans to cut greenhouse gas emissions last year he dropped his pants, mooned the press, and let go a tremendous narly fart, with the comment “How’s dat fer monitorin’ me carbon footprint?”
O'Leering once jokingly described the airline's first-class travel experience as featuring "free beds wid a blowjob an’ a prostate massage thrown in.”

Have you ever been unfortunate enough to fly with Ryanair?
Have you ever been charged to use the toilet during an air flight?
Is it possible to hold your bladder on a flight from London to Dublin after supping six pints of Guinness in the departure lounge?
Have you ever pissed out of the window during an air flight?
Have you ever pissed your pants during an air flight?

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