Sunday, 1 March 2009

Baron Sleazebag’s Heathrow 'Favours’ Scandal

Peter ‘Lord Sleaze’ Mandelson, aka ‘Vermin in Ermine’ is at the centre of yet another 'favours for friends' row, this time over the controversial proposals to expand Heathrow and build a new ‘third’ runway from the airport to Cornwall.

Apparently Mandy suffers from a psychological complaint common among politicians stricken by delusions of grandeur, which allows their massive ego’s to surpass their limited intellects.
Dr. Hector McTwat, speaking on conditions of anonymity to the mental health columnist of the Lobster Juggler’s Weekly, stated that “Mandelson’s a total brain-dead fuck-up – his head’s so far up his own arse he hasn’t breathed fresh air for years.”
“The man simply can’t help himself, he’s a megalomaniac. As his past political record clearly shows, put him in any post where he can wield power and influence and he’s going to abuse the fact.”
“Mandelson's a person you can only take somewhere twice : the second time to apologise.”

Details of Lord Sleaze’s latest favours scandal emerged yesterday with the disclosure of the extraordinary access granted to Mandelson’s close acquaintance Roland (Cuddles) Crudd - who represents airport operator BAA Slimeberg (SA) - to the top tiers of Government.

Mr Crudd, and members of the City's most powerful PR company Creepsbury Inc., met with ministers at least ten times in as many days in the run-up to Labour's unpopular decision to go ahead with plans for a third runway.
The covert meetings, in the Happy Endings Rub n Tug Massage Club at Canary Wharf, were monitored by reporters from the Daily Shitraker.

Reports of the meetings provoked angry allegations that Peter Scandalson used his political influence to help his slimy friend persuade ministers to push through the £9 billion project.
Mr Crudd, who is rumoured to be worth lots and lots of money, has had a long kiss and cuddle friendship with Lord Mandelson of Sleaze, who recently sponsored a work visa for his new Bolivian houseboy.

MPs have demanded Gordon Brown orders a top-level investigation amid concern that BAA Slimeberg was able to crush the green lobby opposing airport expansion by exploiting an intricate network of dodgy old school tie faggot-maggot contacts, known derisively as the “sphincter stretchers”, within the Government.

Ministers caused fury last month when they approved the plan for Britain's busiest airport to have a third runway run from Thiefrow, right along the south coast, to Cornwall. Outraged opponents have called it the ' dodgiest Cabinet decision since declaring war on Iraq and orchestrating David Kelly’s assisted suicide.

Today the Daily Shitraker revealed the extraordinary access Roland Crudd and his firm, Creepsbury, which lists BAA Slimeberg (SA) as one of its biggest corporate clients, was given to people at the levers of power.

Further, Crudd was also involved in last summer's ' Yachtgate' affair involving Mandelson while he was EU Trade Secretary and in Corfu, staying on the yacht of Russian zillionaire oligarch Oleg Crooksky - who is a client of Creepsbury Inc. through Septic-Slime Consolidated, the holding group for his investments.

Another dodgy deviant guest was Tory Shadow Minister for Coal Sheds, George Oddbottom, who was later suspected of characteristically stabbing Mandelson in the back by leaking unfavourable remarks and revelations made by Mandy about Gordon Brown.

Apparently these revelations upset a third guest, mega-zillionaire spoiled brat, Nathaniel Rothshite, heir apparent to the ‘Greedy Scumbags of Zion’ banking conglomerate, who are, coincidently, also represented by Mr Crudd’s PR company and who, on Crudd’s advice, launched a psychotic scatalogical media offensive against Mr Oddbottom in revenge.

The intriguing details of the exclusive ministerial access arranged and granted to Mr Crudd by Lord Mandelson of Sleaze were uncovered by the Lib Dem Shadow Minister for Skateboards Norman Barker when he learned that plans to build the third runway had fuelled fierce hair-pulling and face scratching catfights between Cabinet ministers who wanted to pocket a few bob for themselves by using their own spheres of influence to control who got what – and where.

Mr Barker said: 'These revelations provide, at the very least, evidence that Peter Mandelson has been doing favours for friends. Again, his position as a Cabinet minister is compromised by his shadowy dirty deviant personal contacts.

'It’s astonishing that Roland Crudd, who has enjoyed lavish hospitality with Oleg Crooksky at the same time as Mandelslime, was granted so many meetings with ministers over such a short period of time.”
“We know Mr Crudd's firm represents BAA Slimeberg of Tel Aviv, so now we need to know how he came to be granted such favourable access at the time Lord Scandalson was lobbying so hard in the Cabinet for the third runway to run from Heathrow to Cornwall.”

'It is hardly surprising that people jump to the conclusion there is an old pals “you suck my cock – I’ll suck yours” act going on here to try to influence Government policy. We need a full ‘suck and swallow’ investigation and a stretched sphincter enquiry to be carried out to see if there have been breaches of the ministerial code. It’s in the public interest.'

The timetable of dodgy meeting events was:

October 17 2008: Lord Mandelson of Sleaze holds meeting in a phone box with Roland Crudd, whose PR firm Creepsbury represents airport operator BAA Slimeberg (SA).
December 4: Transport Secretary Geoff Loon postpones decision on building third runway at Heathrow until large amount of Euros are deposited in his Zurich bank account..
December 8: Crudd, representing Fuctifweno Runways SA and BAA Slimeberg attends meeting at the Happy Endings Massage Club at Canary Wharf with several government dodgy deviants.
December 10: Crudd attends mid-night meeting with Lord Sleaze in some bushes on Hampstead Heath.
December 12: Brazilian male pole dancing representative for Creepsbury meets Bicycle Lanes Minister Lord Adonut at the Happy Endings Massage Club to discuss hi-speed rail link from Thiefrow to Cornwall..
December 16: Two Ukranian male lap dancing representatives for Fuctifweno Runways SA meet Lord Adonut at the Happy Endings rendevous for further hi-speed rail link discussions.
December 17: Crudd attends another meeting with Lord Sleaze and BAA Slimeberg representatives at the Happy Endings club. Discussions last all night.
December 19 : Thai shemale consultant for Creepsbury and Lord Adonut hold after-dark discussion on hi-speed rail link in the bushes at Cottagers Park, south London.
January 5 2009: Government sparks uproar by dismissing fierce opposition and approving Heathrow expansion.
January 7 2009 : Further uproar erupts when certain dodgy deviant government officials learn of recent clusterfuck orgies at Happy Endings club and demand to know why they weren’t invited.
January 8 2009 : Business Secretary Lord Mandelslime approves Compulsary Purchase Order of lands along the south coast of England, between Heathrow and Cornwall.
January 12 : Oleg Crooksky’s Septic-Slime Construction Corp. announced the winning tender bidder to build Thiefrow’s new third runway and hi-speed rail link between Heathrow and Cornwall.

Greenpeace executive director John Dolphin said: “There have been rumours of a secret Heathrow deal between the Government and BAA Slimeberg and these revelations by the Daily Shitraker will only add to people's justifiable suspicions.”

“The questions now are, what did Mandelslime and his iffy friend Crudd discuss at the Happy Endings Masage Club. Were minutes taken, who gave what to whom, and who took what up where? The same questions need to be answered about the meetings between Crudd's clients and the Minister for Bicycle Lanes, Lord Adonut.”

Creepsbury spokesman Freddy Fester told reporters last night Mr Crudd had categorically never discussed the Heathrow expansion with Lord Mandelsime.
He further stated Crudd had met Lord Adonut at the Happy Endings Rub n Tug Massage Club on December 12 and 16, but only to discuss 'high-speed rail' and the subjects of oral or anal sex, or large deposits of cash being paid into numbered Swiss bank accounts were never mentioned.

PM Gordon Brown, in a candid aside, today shook his head in dismay and remarked to Downing Street reporters “What the fuck has that stupid cunt Mandelson done to me now?”

Do you have an airport runway crossing your back garden?
Do you live anywhere between Heathrow and Cornwall?
Has Lord Mandelson of Sleaze ever done you a dodgy favour?
Do you think Mandelson should be sacked and banned from holding public office, or stoned and crucified?
Should Mandelson change his name to ‘Scandalson’?
Have you ever attended a business meeting at the Happy Endings Rub n Tug Massage Club? If not - would you like to?

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