Thursday, 26 March 2009

Dead Girl Given Final Truancy Warning

The grieving parents of a girl who died suddenly have received an education authority letter demanding she improve her school attendance or she would be barred from attending the school prom.

Candida Muffitch, 16, was pronounced DOA at Smegmadale Hospital’s A & E unit three months ago after partying with friends one Saturday night at the local Tit for Twat Club on a mix of anti-freeze and White Lightning chasers, Lambert and Butler cancer sticks, peanut M & M’s and Spam fritters.

Her parents say they were "floored" by the Smegmadale Asbo Central High School letter (where Candida had been studying for her O-level GCSE’s in Advanced Haiku Structures and Volcanology) which threatened to ban Candida from the end of year prom due her continued truancy.

Candida’s mother, Chlamydia, told reporters “If the school’s that bleedin’ keen on me daughter attendin’ the prom I’ll take ‘er bleedin’ urn an’ ashes round for the evenin’ so they can all ‘ave a dance with ‘er remains.”

The school later apologised for the mistake, which they were quick to claim is the fault of education authorities hiring cheap rate illegal immigrant labour from the Balkans who can only speak enough English to find the local DSS office.

An Ofsted spokeslut said Crapita computer software SLIMES (Slippery Information Management Error Systems) maintained Candida's details.
"Candida's name should have been taken off the school roll when she died, and removed from the main school database," the spokeslut added.

"However, unknown to the school, her details had remained on the computer system due Crapita’s shithouse software system being useless and were called up when the school did a mail merge letter to the parents of all Year 12 students about their forthcoming prom.

Costas Fuctifino, Albanian managing director of Crapita’s SLIMES (Children's Services) said changes would be made to the firm's software to try and ensure the mistake was not repeated – too often.
"When a child is no longer attending a school, for whatever reason, the software will allow the school to continue to produce letters to their parents as occasionally it is necessary to do so and demand they pay the school fees or we will send around a bailiff to break their legs. Merry Christmas and have a good day.”

New Labour’s Schools’ Secretary Ed Balls admitted to reporters “It’s an utter Ed Balls-up. Crapita’s schools software system’s a pile of crapita.”

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