Friday, 27 March 2009

New 'Apprentice' Series Starts on Sky’s Arrogance Channel

That nail-biting seat-edger ‘The Apprentice’ is back on Sky’s ‘Arrogant Twats’ channel with its usual uber-menche over-confident sycophant candidates ready to kiss Alan Sugar’s wrinkly old spotty arse for a shot at the big time.

It's easy to laugh at their wannabe posturing from the comfort of a Jacuzzi while getting ‘massaged’ by your private stable of Thai ladyboy bitches, but can we learn from their brash approach?

"I was born to do great things." Not the words of a modest T E Lawrence, a Lord Peter Scandalson, or a numpty-dumpty George W. Bush - nor those of Attila the Hun or Heston Bluminheck either.
No, this is the gospel according to a 16-year-old wheelbarrow mechanic from Smegmadale : Gilbert McTwat.

A high school dropout with three Asbo’s to his name, he thinks winning is going to be straightforward. "If I just turn up I've won it, simple as that – or I’ll break that cunt Sugar’s fuckin’ legs for ‘im.”

Such diffidence and humility. But it's what viewers have come to expect from the candidates - bravado and swagger, lashings of it, enough to make the viewer want to spew, then stand up and kick the TV screen in.

They don’t even have the grace to blush self-consciously while describing their deluded selves as "outstanding" or "the complete package" – oblivious to the fact they really are complete and utter walking dildoes.
Just take professional perjurers and influence peddlers like Jeffrey Archer or Keith Vaz as prime examples of the self-delusional ‘Special One’ messianic syndrome.

But ignore the strutting and preening, the vanity and unqualified arrogance. Soaring self-belief and bluster are attributes that can get you far in business and beyond, say banking experts and lifestyle gurus. We can actually learn from shitbags and wankers such as Robert Maxwell, Sir Fred Goodwin, Bernie Madoff or Conrad Black.

"Being extremely confident is a key essential in not only succeeding in business, but succeeding in all areas of your life," says Professor Joseph Goebbels, head of the Propaganda Department at Buenos Aires prestigious Uncle Adolph University, and a specialist in controlling mass opinion.

"Anyone wishing to become a totalitarian dictator needs inspire those around them, give them more confidence and drive them on to improve themselves. That can be Reichstag colleagues, SS storm troopers or an entire Wehrmacht military machine."

Confidence in the workplace is absolutely essential, particularly with so much uncertainty during the current recession, says billionairess Sapphie Dildodo, Italian creator of Lezbo Lingerie and co-founder of Strapon International.

Extreme confidence backfires when it becomes arrogance, says Ms Dildodo. "A confident person isn't afraid to make a decision, like grabbing another girl’s buns if they really fancy them, but at the same time will listen and take on board other people's views on such a situation, such as “Hey, you lezbo cunt – that’s my wife!” - whilst an arrogant person will believe they're the only one who could be right – as I am 100% of the time."

But being so confident can easily flip from inspiring to insufferable, and that comes down to integrity more so than a pair of big kahunas. Bravado is hard to stomach when it’s professed by wimps, nerds and numptys, says Professor Goebbels.

If an apprentice candidate claims to be the brainiest person on the planet - as they often do - one’s left wondering what the fuck they’re doing on the show. Shouldn't they be flying around in an executive jet somewhere, guzzling Dom Perignon and scratching their personal portfolios?

So it isn’t wise to claim the carbon credits exchange business is the new religion and you're its ordained Pope, like one of the latest batch of wannabe candidates, Wilf McScrunt - especially not if you're an unemployed traffic warden.

Do you want to sign up as one of Alan Sugar’s apprentices and be his chief gopher? Could you be the next Special One? Does your inflated ego outweigh your limited intellect? Is the word ‘Greed’ included in your personal lifestyle mantra?

Fill in our online questionnaire below and you could be the next CEO of the UK's Big Issue publishing empire.

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