Madonna to Adopt Whole of Darkest Africa

Pop star Madonna has been urged by the ‘Save the Children’ charity not to take their banner too seriously and reconsider her apparent plans to adopt every orphaned child in Africa.

African National Congress officials told reporters that the celebrity super-slapper arrived in Cape Town last week at the start of a drive north to Egypt, criss-crossing the entire continent, and adopting children by the thousands as she goes.

The children will then be shipped by DHL’s ‘package express’ to London and then on to her Wiltshire estate where second-hand battery hen sheds have recently been erected – and fumigated – ready to house the incoming waves of orphans.

The UK-based charity said ideally African orphans should be cared for by their extended family or community – or get recruited into one of the Continent’s many ‘child armies’ - for taking them abroad was "not a solution".

Critics are quick to point out that since Madonna adopted the then 13-month-old David Banda from Malawi in 2006 she has evolved what they term a ‘golliwog fetish’, which is reportedly one reason behind the marriage break up with Guy Twitchie who apparently told her to ’”Stop bringing little darkies home” and if she wanted to foster someone then why not “Adopt a few unemployed hoodies here in the UK.”

Following Madonna’s travelling ‘circus without a tent’ across southern Africa, reporters interviewed Mrs. Gwatcha O’Dinga of 16, Firewood Crescent, Ndola, Zambia, who told them: “Dis stupid blonde slapper she come here an say she give me £20 each for any spare kids I don’t need – so I tells her “Hey honky bitch - you go an fuck a pig!” an she reply ‘Been dere - done dat’ – den throws me de bird – an’ twenty quid – an’ pisses off in de big air-con Chelsea Tractor wid my youngest son – Ringworm Ronnie. Dat’s okay – one less mouth ta feed at Christmas.”

Certain critics have speculated that the super-adoption project is a big personal earner scam as if Madonna does end up with the intended 5,000 adopted children living on her Wiltshire estate then she can claim up to half a million pounds per month in child tax credits.

Save the Children spokesman Dominic Scrunt told the BBC's Adopt-a-Golly programme: "For the most part so-called orphans in African countries tend to have family still available to them, if not actually both parents still living, but whom are quite happy to get shut of their snotty-nosed and AIDS-ridden kids to anyone who offers them a few bob in a stable, negotiable currency such as Tesco discount vouchers or Stainsburys Nectar points.”

African Catholic countries do not, as a rule, approve adoptions for single or divorced people, but ANC officials say that each case is considered not so much on its merits but the size of the ‘facilitation fee’ – or bribe – they pay.

The star also has two biological children – Coco Pops, her son with divorced husband Guy (I’m off down the effin’ pub) Twitchie - and Lourdes, whose father is someone else – often rumoured to be either actor Brad Spitt, celebrity hairdresser Edward Scissorhands or cult movie icon Donnie Darko.