Monday, 30 March 2009

Myners Appointed Minister for Hypocrisy

Lord Paul Myners, a former NW Rothshite’s junior portfolio gopher, recently appointed as New Labour’s finance minister in charge of the government’s pretend assault on tax havens, has used a three blind mice trust to conceal £250,000 of his own money in an offshore banking shelter.

Details of the secret holding have been obtained by the Daily Shitraker as G20 leaders gather in London pledging to stamp out tax abuses by landless peasants and the unemployed, homeless ex-middle classes.

Myners transferred 500,000 of his own shares in the Happy Hermit privet hedge fund, based in Jersey, into a blind mouse trust when he was bestowed with a life peerage and made a minister last October.

MPs described the holding as “blatant hypocrisy” and said it would undermine the credibility of Gordon Brown’s ‘more scent than substance’ offensive on tax avoidance by the UK’s crooked top commercial earners.

Myners will come under further pressure this week over his role in signing off a £16.9 million golden parachute pension pot for Sir Fred Good-for-Nothing the disgraced former chief executive of Royal Bank of Scumland.
Sir Tom McKilljoy, the former RBS chairman, will hand in a statement to MPs challenging Myners’s dodgy version of events as a ‘crock of shit’, concocted to cover his own arse and shift blame to some poor hapless underling.

Company documents obtained by the Daily Shitraker show Myners held his Happy Hermit shares as recently as last Saturday. He concealed the holding from public scrutiny by placing it in a ministerial blind trust.
Ministers, in typical numpty logic fashion, are not required to disclose publicly the investments transferred to such trusts.

While Myners pledged tough penalties against tax havens last Thursday the dodgy crooked git still owned the shares while overseeing price-sensitive government policy decisions. Did someone just whisper “Insider Trading”?

Morton Barker, the LibDem MP for Old Scrotum, told reporters “Here is a minister calling for greater financial transparency and the end of tax havens while concealing his own tax haven investment. It’s blatant hypocrisy and his name should be written down in the Revenue and Customs naughty book.”

Percy Muff, the Tory chairman of the House of Conmans business and enterprise select committee, called for Myners’ resignation. “It is clear Myners is entangled in tax havens. After his fuck up with the RBS and Fred Good-for-Nothing’s pension he should do the same as disgraced Japanese politicians and committ ritual seppuku with a razor-sharp herring.”

Albermarle Mongoose, Tory Shadow Minister for Potholes, told the media “Myners has just not come clean. The more he is questioned, the more his story unravels as a pack of lies. All too typical of New Labour’s dodgy renta-scandal crew.”

In 2006 Myners backed the £40m acquisition of the Happy Hermit privet hedge fund. He was appointed chairman and had a 5% stake for which he paid next to fuck all in yet another sweetheart deal.
Privet hedge funds operating in Jersey can avoid paying corporate tax on profits and are not required to comply with the tougher regulations of the City of London. They manage (launder) what banking insiders call ‘lots and lots of shifty money’.

Only last month Lord Myners was at the centre of controversy concerning the amount of pension paid to Sir Fred Good-for-Nothing, the former chairman of the Royal Bank of Scumland.
Myners has sworn that he did not approve the details of Sir Fred's ridiculous pension settlement when it was arranged the previous autumn as part of the government's bailout of RBS, pointing out that this was a matter for the Board of the Royal Bank of Scumland.

It was for his part in this fiasco that Myners was labelled by London Lord Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense as "Labour’s Minister for Major Banking Disasters".

Gordon ‘Boring’ Brown's avowed campaign to eliminate offshore tax avoidance was brought into question when the Daily Shitraker article revealed that Lord Myners had been chairman of Aspen Insurance Holdings (a Bermuda-based insurance company) avoiding more than £100 million a year in tax.

The Shitraker went on to report that Myners was still chairman of Happy Hermit, the offshore privet hedge fund based in Jersey of which he still owned 500,000 shares in a blatant breach of trust and disclosure policy.
Besides this, Scruntmore, the fund management company that Lord Myners chaired for 15 years, also ran an Isle of Dogs-based offshore money-laundering business for the Shanghai Green Gang’s illicit pirate DVD interests.

Lord Myners’ extended family were said to be supportive in the exposure of his criminal activities and told reporters they would definitely visit him regularly if he is sent to prison for breaking the 11th Commandment : getting caught.

Myners has four adult daughters from his first marriage, all of whom work in pubic relations as ‘escorts and hostesses’.
Three sons and a spaniel from his second marriage are all gainfully employed as coal heavers and costermongers in the Ukraine.
His third marriage to geneticist Candida Middlesex produced only two children - hermaphrodite amphibian, Blinkie – and a younger sibling, Emu Annie, who flew away shortly after being born.

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