Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Mayor Boris Needs to ‘Superbrand’ London

Some of the City’s biggest Soho business names have sent a report to London Mayor Boris Nonsense to tell him they’re unhappy with his response to the recession and that, in their exalted, avarice-fuelled materialistic opinions, he’s not promoting London enough.

In a Shrove Tuesday whinge twenty executives from the City’s self-interest businesses such as brothels, casinos, escort agencies, bookies, opium dens, massage parlours and fast food Chew and Spew outlets called on Boris to do more to promote London both at home and abroad.

Their focus was especially cast on the strict Islamic states of the Middle East where most of their dodgy income traditionally originated from oil rich Arabs visiting the City to gamble, fuck foreign whores and get drunk while their burkha-clad harems wandered around major department stores shoplifting.

Three thousand homeless street people were surveyed for the report. More than 99% said daily traffic jams and the high cost of renting a shop doorway to sleep in were forcing them to look beyond London at other emerging cities to sign on at the JobCentre and claim their unemployment benefits.

But nearly 0.02% said they believe the ‘SuperCity’ concept is vital in delivering economic renewal and prosperity for London through the sale of the Big Issue, many past editions of which are now collector’s items.

The report also argues that London should become a ‘Superbrand’ by learning lessons from companies such as Halliburton-KBR, Enron, Bechtel, Freddie Mac and Blackwater Security.

But the Mayor, resorting to his trademark ‘blonde-moment’ logic, said he didn’t want to spend taxpayers' money prematurely and was waiting on the 2012 Olympics to initiate a monster splurge and squander the lot in one big hit.

Stores including B & Q and RentaShed signed the report, which was sent by the recently-bankrupt UK financial investments business organisation ‘Greed is Great’.
Both companies, as well as other famed brand-name signatories including Bargain Booze, Wetherspoons, PoundStretcher, Threshers, Cash Converters and the Reefer & Hemp shopping centre of Islington, are members of the organisation.

The Shrove Tuesday report, which has been seen by BBC Spitzbergen, reveals the companies want Mayor Boris to address a specific issue.

The companies believe there has been an inadequate response to their calls for a world-wide promotional campaign which engenders a 'wow' factor, to create a new buzz to educate people to the fact of what a great city London is, with tube train terrorist bombings, muggings, and holding the title of ‘stabbing capital’ of the UK where dumb tourists are knifed for as little as the price of a new wallet.

There’s also Trafalgar Square, in which visitors can get shit on by as many pigeons as they like for free, or wander down Cheapside and listen to the chime of Bow Bells, or hear the Cockney accents around a Spitafields car boot sale as you haggle over the price of pirate DVD's and get told to “Fuck off yer foreign cunt”.

For the self-drive hire-car tourists, a trip to London affords the chance to pay exorbitant congestion charges while driving around the traffic-jammed city in first gear, hopelessly looking for somewhere to park.

Councillor Abdul bin Festered, from Westminster City Council, told the tourism correspondent for the Cat Stretcher’s Gazette: "An astonishing 60% of all tourists to England visit Westminster just to see John Prescott throw up on the House of Commons lawn after his lunch. The other 40% come to see Mayor Boris Nonsense fall off his bike. Here’s where the opportunities lie - Celebrity Clot Tourism! “

“Are the streets paved with gold? No, they’re full of fucking potholes, but tourists don’t mind stepping in the odd puddle or pile of dogshit on the off-chance they might be able to shake hands with Dick Whittington or stroke his cat.”

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