Thursday, 5 March 2009

Iran has Enough Uranium to Build Bomb

Iran has enough nuclear material to build a bomb, the United States' most senior military commander in charge of the Pentagon’s Advanced Guesswork & Paranoia section affirmed today.

"We think they do, quite frankly," Admiral Morton Fuctifweno, chairman of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff, told a reporter from the Weapons of Mass Distraction Weekly.
“Anyways, even if they don’t then they might well be close to it, perhaps. That’s a big ‘Maybe’ on the ‘Perhaps’ bit too.”

“Iran having a nuclear weapon, we've believed for a long time, is a very, very bad outcome for the region and threatens Israel's nuclear hegemony : if the Israeli’s actually had nukes, which they say they don’t, so might not have, even if they do.”

However, Iran recently told Norwich Union Insurance and the Michelin WMD Guide its nuclear programme is entirely peaceful, solely for power generation and medical research, but the West suspects it of seeking nuclear weapons.
As Iranian chief of nuclear research, Dr. Wizwas Baklava, explained to the media : “The West seem to believe we have enough uranium to build a bomb. Well, I’d agree we obviously have enough uranium to cause mass paranoia and confusion.”

The Pentagon's Admiral Fuctifweno further stated “Iran maybe acquired their nuclear bomb materials and expertise the same way Israel acquired most of theirs : from Zionist sympathisers inside the US military-industrial complex that runs the damn country : from the ComEd Zion1 and 2 reactors – only Iran got theirs from the old Islamic republics of the USSR when they grabbed independence at the collapse of the evil empire.”

“Maybe one of the Soviet’s Muslim scumbag generals sold them as many thermo-nuclear warheads as they wanted and they’re keeping schtum about it, in typical shifty, sneaky head-banger fashion, just to keep us all guessing until something goes fucking “Boom!”
“Maybe that sneaky Muslim spy cunt Borat from Kazakhstan sold them Tehran loonies the goods. I jest have never cottoned onto that guy.”

A report issued by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) two weeks ago said Tehran had built up a stockpile of fissile nuclear material.
This raised concerns in the West that Iran might have understated by one-third how much uranium it has enriched.

With Iran's new Bush-ha-ha uranium enrichment plant ready to begin operations in the coming months some physicists believe this stockpile might provide sufficient material to be converted into weapons grade uranium to build at least one bomb.

Western military intelligence (sic) sources around the region speculate that Iranian nuclear scientists and engineers have been in constant communications with Professor Abdul Khan, Pakistan’s premier nuclear scientist and the father of their thermonuclear devices, and have actually gone far beyond the enriched uranium stage, possessing stocks of weapons grade Plutonium.

Further speculation ranges on the ‘how much’ fissionable material Iran possesses, or actually requires, to build a nuclear weapon, reflecting on the US and Israel’s huge stockpiles of micro-nukes, which an assorted selection can be assembled with speed and ease from a couple of kilos of pre-machined fissionable plutonium hemispheres akin in resemblance to the contents of a bag of liquorice allsorts.

According to Russia’s Dr. Igor Crapsky of the Academy for Weapons of Mass Distraction : “We have seen how deadly and effective micro-nukes can be. Just look at the Kuta Beach / Sari Bar bombing in Bali, or at how the Israeli military and Mossad brought down the WTC twin towers on 9/11with them. Top to bottom demolition with just a handful strategically distanced up the height of the centre cores. Great job, even taking nuclear fratricide into account.”

“So, why all this false rhetoric about Iran wanting to develop atomic fission bombs when they already possess thermo-nuclear fusion bomb warheads from dissembled Soviet MIRV’s. Cheap too, they only coughed up $10 million each for them.”

With Ladbrokes International placing Iran as an odds-on favourite to already possess thermonuclear weapons, it’s anybody’s guess – so who wants to go first with the trick or treat? BOO! or BOOM! Amen / Insha' Allah.

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