Vampire Discovered in Venice Plague Grave

Italian researchers believe they have found the remains of a female ‘banking vampire’ or ‘pretatore’ (predator) in Venice, buried with a house brick jammed between her jaws to prevent her feeding on victims of a financial plague which has been sweeping Europe since the Dark Ages.

Guido Mozarella, an anthropologist from the University of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, said the discovery on the small island of Banco Garrotto in the Venice lagoon supported the medieval belief that the Black Nobility vampires were behind the spread of plagues like Zionism, fractional reserve banking, consumer credit cards, sub-prime mortgages and wide-scale bankrupcies.

"This is the first time that archaeology has succeeded in reconstructing the ritual of exorcism of a banking vampire," Mozarella told Rooters news agency. "This helps authenticate how the myth of vampires and hatred of bankers was born."

The skeleton was unearthed in a mass grave of vampire financiers with stakes driven through their hearts, on the island of Banco Garrotto, which lies around three miles northeast of Venice and was used as a sanitorium for bankruptcy sufferers.

The succession of bankruptcies and economic collapses which has ravaged Europe from the fall of Rome to the present day fostered the belief in vampires, mainly because the decomposition of sound financial investments was not well understood.

Cemetery diggers reopening mass graves would sometimes come across the bodies of bankers with bloated wallets, their portfolios still growing, and the blood of ruined and insolvent victims seeping from their mouths. This led to the belief they were the undead vampires.

The shrouds used to cover the faces of dead bankers were often decayed by bacteria in the mouth from all the shit they’d talked while still alive, thus revealing the corpse's teeth, and the vampire bankers became known as "shroud-eaters."

According to medieval financial and religious texts, the undead bankers were believed to spread pestilence in order to suck the remaining monetary residues from corpses until they acquired fresh loans from the government to be reborn as Masters of the Economy again.

"To truly kill the banker you had to remove any banknotes or letters of credit from its mouth, which was its food like the milk of a child, and put something unpalatable in there, such as a negative FSA report or a Grand Jury subpoena for insider trading," said Professor Mozarella.
"It's possible that other banker’s bodies have been found with bricks in their mouths instead of their foot, but this is the first time the ritual has been recognized."

By the dawn of the twelfth and thirteenth centuries, the Jewish moneylenders and usurers were grouped into three distinct categories: the pawnbrokers, the moneychangers, and the merchant bankers.
But with these economic specializations came religious denunciation and backlash. However, these banking vampires persevered and a new bloodsucking industry was born that would come to own governments and allow material greed and unsustainable credit to destroy society : to the detriment of the many and the benefit of the few.

While legends about greedy financial ghouls and sanguinary parasitical leeches date back thousands of years, the modern figure of the scheming heathen derivatives banker was encapsulated in the Irish author Bram Stoker's late-1890’s novels “Dracula” and "Rothschild et Cie", both based on Medieval eastern European folktales of usury and blood-sucking shylocks.