Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Bonkers Boris Approves Illegal Immigration

The maverick Lord Mayor of London, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, has kicked off yet another controversy with his announcement during an interview for Monday's Panorama on BBC One that Britain should hold an amnesty for the country’s millions of illegal immigrants.

When questioned on the logic of his remarks and how said immigrants would be employed, viewing the fact the UK is sliding into a deepening recession and jobs for genuine Brits are being lost on a daily basis, Boris replied “Easy – they can carry on with what they’re doing already – picking cockles around Morecambe Bay, selling pirate DVD copies in the pubs, running pikey car boot stalls, and flogging their gollies in street corner knocking shops if they’re the split-arsed variety.”

Mayor Nonsense, who nobody ever takes seriously, said an amnesty for many would be "morally right", but the Ministry for Cardboard Boxes warned it would become a "big pull factor" in attracting further waves of illegal immigrants, especially so the Somali variety since their pirating industry has been adversely affected by international naval policing actions.

A study into the economic impact of an amnesty for illegal immigrants was recently carried out by the London School of Guessology (LSG).
It estimated that, if a minimum of five years' residence in the UK were needed to qualify, some 4,500,000 illegal immigrants could be granted immediate amnesty as they sneaked into Britain during the years of Tory misrule.

Mayor Nonsense suggested the amnesty would offer some the right to work officially and eventually gain full citizenship, "If it does look as though they could make a contribution to society then we should allow them to legalise their immigration status, especially those exotic-looking gypsy wenches – always plenty of vacancies for staff at my local Rub and Tug massage parlour.”

Tory leader David Cameroon, speaking in Parliament, stated Boris’s idea was a "hard political argument to win" but added in support : "If people are going to be here and we've chronically failed to kick them out it's morally right that they should contribute in their taxes to the rest of society."

The latter ‘taxes’ reference elicited rounds of hoots and raucous laughter from the opposition benches with calls of “ever see a pikey gyppo pay his taxes?” causing Cameroon to blush and stamp his foot, calling the hecklers a bunch of ‘Oicks’.

Immigration Minister Phil Woolyback declared such a scheme would encourage more illegal immigrants, further stating “The government is tightening up border controls, introducing the "e-borders" system which counts people in and out of the country, so even if they overstay a visa and we can’t find them, we still know they’re here. It might seem pointless but it looks good on paper.”

“However at current rates of deportation, using the London School of Guessology figure of 4,500,000, it would take 34 years and cost almost £9 billion to clear the backlog of people who are currently in the UK illegally.

The UK Border Agency (UKBA) told a reporter from the Barbed Wire Gazette it did not tolerate anyone who abused the immigration system and that the UK was developing one of the toughest borders in the world by stocking the English Channel and both the North and Irish Seas with sharks and estuarine crocodiles.”

Since the UK Border Agency was launched in April 2008 its staff has made over 45,900 arrests as a result of illegals being stuck, bollocks-deep, in quicksand while gathering cockles.
The tough new coastal border patrols last year counted over 28,000 individuals attempting to swim the Channel illegally being eaten by the newly-introduced ‘shark watch’ force.

Baroness Candida Muffrot, chairwoman of the ineffectual WogWatch think-tank, opposed the idea of an amnesty, saying: "We have the biggest recession in memory getting under way, two point five million unemployed, heading up for fifteen million when recession turns into depression next year.”
“So, is Bonkers Boris really suggesting that British jobs should go to illegal workers or is it just another of his silly ‘blonde moment’ statements to try and make himself look like a smartarse again?”

Alexander Bonkers Boris de Piffel Nonsense, the current Lord Mayor of London, previously served as the Conservative Member of Parliament for Twatford-on-the-Wold and as editor of The Spectator magazine.

Nonesnse, himself an immigrant, being born in New York, is the eldest of the fifteen children of Douggie Nonsense, a former wheelbarrow mechanic, and his wife, celebrity plumber Charlotte Faucett-Dripp.
On his father's side Nonsense is the great-grandson of Ali Kemal Beywindow, a liberal Turkish Delight maker from Istanbul who fled Turkey during the WW1 Gallipoli campaign to escape charges of underage goat buggery.
His maternal ancestry is traced back to Marie Louise de Piffel, a Bavarian-born professional fellatrix, and Prince Paul Bonkersberg, of the Royal House of Nonsense, one of her regular BD/SM dungeon attendee clients.

Nonsense has further written several books including his critically-acclaimed autobiographical ‘The Life & Crimes of Bonkers Boris Nonsense’ and the best-selling ‘Mountain Biking for Oicks and Twats’.

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