Monday, 9 March 2009

Tory Shadow Chancellor Says Brits Must ‘Work Harder’

Conservative shadow chancellor, Gideon George Oliver Osbourne, sporting more Christian names than the Prince of Wales, this week, while under the influence of his own inflated ego, treated the media to a sanctimonious sermon that the British public needed to work harder to secure Parliamentary pensions and then, in a modest outburst of unqualified arrogance, blamed the working classes for the current recession.

Osbourne, the current Tory MP for Twatton in Cheshire, the old roost of brown envelope renta-crook MP Neil (and Lady) Hamilton, told a reporter from the Ferret Bleachers Gazette that Britons must work harder and accept that the "money for nothing" culture is over if the country is to climb out of recession.

The shadow chancellor’s callous statement provoked the ire of lower and middle class families struggling to cope with the financial crisis by saying that the greed shown by banks was simply a reflection of the "worst excesses" of the lower and middle classes of society as a whole.
Osbourne, who has never experienced the inconvenience of being evicted from his home by bailiffs, blathered absurdly on that “The unsustainable debts in our banks are a reflection of unsustainable debts in your households, our companies and our Government."

He stated that Britain needs to change from an "economy built on debt" to one that is powered by savings and real returns on effort.
"It means telling people that they can't rely on massive increases in house prices to fund their retirement, and that they will have to save for a deposit to buy their own home. Not everybody can be a clever MP like me and be born into money, and have a guaranteed pesnsion and expenses for doing bugger all.”

He further stated that the public should realise that putting off difficult decisions simply made matters worse and that it was now time to face up to the issues confronting the country, which critics later pointed out was perhaps inviting the working classes to place the blame for their predicament squarely on the shoulders of the politicians responsible and launch a ‘heads shall roll' style anarchist revolution .

Jack McTwat, leader of the TSU (Tomcat Stranglers Union) told the press “Just wot we need - another bubble-‘eaded, silver spoon prat statin’ th’ bleedin’ obvious fer ‘is own personal political self-servin’ motives.”
“Wot this puffy git needs ter remember is that less than fifty years ago we ‘ad a very workable financial system in Britain where there woz no effin’ credit cards an’ if yer didn’t ‘ave any money yer couldn’t buy owt.”
“It’s the bleedin’ governments since that ‘ave allowed greedy graspin’ banks ter give any bugger an’ their dog credit cards an’ mortgages that they can never pay off.” “They’re th’ cause of th’ problems.”

Osborne was primarily educated at St. Sodoms School for Latter Day Pederasts and later at Ratmaulers College, Oxford, where he received an NVQ1 in Advanced Squandering. He was also editor of the University magazine ‘Knobheads’.
He is married to The Hon. Frances Howell, now Frances Osborne (and elder daughter of Maggie Thatcher’s chief whipping boy, cabinet arse-licker Geoffrey Howell). The couple have two mutant inbred children, Mark and Spencer.

Originally named Gideon after one of God’s right-hand Archangels, he changed his name to George when he was 30, stating “It’s bad enough looking and sounding like an upper-class chinless oick without having a name like one: especially so as I’m going to be Prime Minister one day.”

Osbourne originally intended to pursue a career as a journalist, but, after it was discovered he could hardly write his own name and possessed the vocabulary of a dyslexial parrot, he went to work on the corned beef counter at Selfridges, until his Freemason public school pals secured him a vacant job at the Conservative Central Office: cleaning the toilets, making tea and buttering scones.

It was revealed in the Daily Mail on 7 April 2007 that whilst at Oxford, George Osborne had been a wastrel member of the Bullshitting Club, a notorious Oxford University cadre renown for its debauched drinking and vomiting antics.
This had become a significant political issue after it was revealed that Tory leader David Cameron and London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense had been members of the club and that it was 'infamous for "trashing" restaurants and other riotous behaviour' and 'is open only to sons of aristocratic knobhead nobility families who know all the secret Masonic handshakes'.

Their tailor-made blue tailcoats cost at least £1,200 and a formal dinner, of which there are usually one or two a term, costs a flat rate of £100, although once damages are added the cost is far greater than this. Richer members may have to pay an even larger membership fee, sometimes greater than the GNP of most Third World countries.
Why then do members to pay thousands of pounds to vomit, pass out, be ritually humiliated and be at permanent risk of being sent down or arrested? Simple : because membership and participation are the keys to an eventual seat in government and lucrative directorships of blue chip companies.

Tory scandal-watchers might recall that in October 2008 it was alleged that George Osborne tried to solicit a £50,000 donation from Russia's richest man and multi-billionaire Oneleg Crooksky while hobnobbing with the rich and shameless in Greece.
While it was never determined if the donation was for the Conservative party, or for Osbourne personally (to secure future political favours a la Hamilton fashion) either would be illegal under the electoral laws of the United Kingdom, which forbids foreign donations to British political parties.

The allegations were made in a letter to the editor of The Times newspaper by perennial scumbag Nat Rothslime, who claimed to have witnessed Osborne twice discussing the topic, once in his Corfu home and again on Crooksky's yacht.

It is believed Rothslime made the allegation because he was angry that Osborne had repeatedly divulged the contents of what he saw as private conversations Osborne participated in while enjoying Rothslime's private and lavish hospitality, concerning another guest’s - Lord Peter Scandalson, aka Lord Sleaze - comments reportedly besmirching PM Gordon Brown.

The Conservative Party and Osborne have denied the allegations. The Shadow Chancellor claims that he 'neither asked nor received any money' from Oneleg Crooksky or his fat cat Russian oligarch business partner Igor Mobsaroubles, the owner of Siberia.

However no doubt the Court of Public Opinion shall be balanced accordingly when rendering its final verdict.

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