Gov’ Plans Minimum Alcohol Price

The government's top medical adviser has drawn up plans for a minimum price for alcohol which would double the cost of some drinks in England in yet another futile attempt to curb binge drinking by minors from kindergarten to high school age. He is further pushing for the removal of all alcoholic beverage vending machines from primary schools.

Under the proposal from fanatical temperance Methodist Sir Liam McTwat, it has been reported that no drinks could be sold for less than 50 pence per unit of alcohol they contain.

This would mean most bottles of wine could not be marketed for less than £4.50, and a pint of meths could cost £3, with 7% volume anti-freeze mixers up to an all-time high of £1:50 per liter.

The Department of Pissheads spokeslut, Candida Mingerot told the food and beverages correspondent from the Cormorant Strangler’s Review that the government "had not ruled out" taking action on cheap alcohol.

Sir Liam, renown around Whitehall and in Parliamentary committees as a crusty old curmudgeon, is rumoured to suffer from chronic phimosis caused by an ingrowing foreskin, which, coupled with his enlarged prostate and geriatric incontinence conditions, manifests itself in his miserable spoilsport attitude towards fellow humanity in general.
His latest ‘killjoy’ proposal is aimed at tackling alcohol misuse and is set out in his annual report on the state of the nation's current ill health and couch potato obesity problems

The BBC's liver transplants correspondent Adam Cirrhosis said Sir Liam's recommendation would not automatically become government policy if it was going to negatively affect the Chancellor’s revenue duty incomes.
However, he postured that the prudish Sir Liam was an influential New World Order Mason and past political meddler who had once advocated a ban on dogging in public places due it being ‘an embarrassing spectacle for dog-walkers to encounter’ long before it became law.

Reports indicate that recent research from the Ministry of Liver & Onions had shown that a minimum rise of 50 pence per unit of alcohol would greatly reduce juvenile consumption by almost 7% as their pocket money could no longer support their boozy habits.

Candida Mingerot of Alcohol Concern said that setting a minimum price for alcohol would help deter pre-schoolers from what is termed ‘crib-stage’ binge drinking.
She further stated "It tends to bring up the prices of the alcoholic drinks that are drunk by very young pissheads, such as Wicked and Breezers when they can afford them, or a litre of premium first malt meths from the local B & Q when funds are in short supply.”

"So, for the price that Sir Liam McTwat is suggesting - which is 50 pence per unit minimum – will have as much effect on teen drinking habits as trying to shove butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle.”

However the Pisspot Study Group, set up by booze manufacturers to promote drinks industry hypocrisy and propaganda, along with bigger profits, said it opposed the plan.

Pisspot Group CEO David Polecat told the Ratarsed Weekly Review : "This would hit the pockets of unemployed families who are already struggling to make ends meet on their shitty social security benefits and can only afford to drink industrial standard alcohols to get a buzz on. The price of plonk needs to be going down - not up.”

Conversely Ministers are determined to tackle the problem of alcohol misuse, which they claim impacts on health, crime and anti-social behaviour.

Critics claim that if the price of booze was dropped during the current recession then boozers could sup decent liquor, which would be a health benefit.
Further, if booze was cheaper, then less people would have to resort to crime to afford it, and the anti-social behaviour factor would be negated as binge drinkers could remain on one long bender, staying paralytic and comatose, hence no longer a problem to anyone.