Why the Pope Opposes Condoms

Government health officials in several EU states, and everyone possessed with a single iota of common sense globally, have criticised Pope Benny Mk16 for declaring that the use of condoms could endanger public health and increase the problem of HIV / AIDS.

The Pope, talking through his geriatric arse, as usual, on a subject he knows next to sweet fuck all about, argued that distribution of condoms aggravated the problem, rather than helping to contain the virus, as he began a visit to Africa this week.

For a man whose office is the supposed essential pinnacle of mortal celibacy and an example to others of similar ilk, why is it that a bloke who isn’t into bonking the female of the species arrogantly assumes to preach such crap to those that do?

France's foreign minister Giscard Fuctifino said condoms were fundamental to ‘prevention’ - of ‘what’ , in typical Gallic fashion, he actually failed to mention.

Germany’s prestigious Institute of Clapology went one further and said it was irresponsible of the Pope, and 21st Century Catholic doctrine, to deny family planning for the poorest of the poor – indicating the intended purpose of end product contraception.

The Dutch health minister Candida van Twatrot was definitely on the ball and well briefed, telling reporters “The Pope is out of his tree. This is the same dogmatic crap the Vatican have been spouting for years. Condoms, while nowhere near foolproof – especially when used by fools – will provide some modicum of protection from unwanted pregnancies, and the transmission of nasty flesh-eating venereal diseases and HIV / AIDS.”

The Roman Catholic Church believes marital fidelity and sexual abstinence are the best way to prevent the spread of pregnancy, and, incidentally, HIV – with pure virgin choirboys their vehicle of choice if the temptation gets too great for priests to resist.

At yesterday’s count there were 54 million people infected with HIV in sub-Saharan Africa, according to UN figures – almost all of whom are Catholics.
The African pagan and heathen religious sects use condoms even for a hand job from the Widow Palm and her five daughters, and definitely for penetration sex with women, other men, goats and small furry animals, and as a result, have a much reduced incidence of HIV in their ranks.

On his way to Cameroon for a State tithing / begging visit to secure a pledge for the donation to the Vatican coffers of a substantial percentage of the nation’s illegal conflict diamond sales from President Umboko Corruptinga, the Pope told reporters that HIV / AIDS was "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, and that definitely cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which only increases the problem".
The solution lay, he said, in a "spiritual and human awakening" and "a woman keeping her legs closed and men keeping their willies in their pants."

Conversely, campaigners say condoms are one of the few methods proven to stop the spread of HIV.

The Church's case has not been helped in the past when senior figures - including the president of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for the Family, Cardinal Alfonse Dildodo - have insisted that HIV inevitably passes through holes in the latex from which condoms are made, a claim dismissed by the World Health Organization as utter bullshit and typical Vatican black propaganda scaremongering to keep the AIDS epidemic rolling and the birth of new brainwashed Catholic recruits an on-going tithing reality.

Pope Benny told African bishops that contraception was foremost among trends leading to a breakdown in sexual morality - very similar to having paedophile priests buggering choirboys.
His rhetorical mumbo-jumbo concluded that: "It is of great concern that the fabric of African life, its very source of hope and stability, is threatened by divorce, abortion, prostitution, human trafficking, arms dealing, drug running and a contraception mentality."

Even some senior Roman Catholics take a pragmatic view of the use of condoms.
The Belgian Cardinal Haut Parleur said in 2008 that using a condom with the intention of stopping disease was morally different from using one to prevent the creation of life.
Just before he was dragged away to face a council of the Inquisition for heresy he managed to add that condoms could be the lesser of the two evils.

Pope Benedict is due to end his African visit this week with a stop in Angola to provide a Vatican-endorsed blessing for the final round of the world championship freestyle minefield hopscotch playoffs.

Are you a Catholic? Do you believe the Vatican’s bullshit? Have you ever enjoyed condom-free sex? Have you ever been a choirboy? Tell us your experiences and horror stories of what went on in the confessional by completing the online questionnaire below and we’ll guarantee you get a personal visit from the Inquisition and excommunicated.