Sunday, 29 March 2009

Stabvest Smith ‘Shocked and Livid’ over Porn’ Videos Exposure

New Labour’s scandal-tainted ‘Second Home’ Secretary is to pay back parliamentary allowances claimed for satellite digital television services, reportedly including the pay-per-view charges for a string of pornography class ‘filth’ films.

Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith said she "mistakenly" claimed for the TV package while billing for an internet connection.
The Sunday Shitraker maintains the £600 Virgin Media bill included18-plus rated porn features viewed from last April : specifically "Debbie does Dagenham" and the critically-acclaimed Cannes Film Festival winner - Max Mosley’s five-whore BD/SM “Spankies” movie – the uncut version.

Ms Smith told reporters she was not at any of the various homes she claims expenses for when the films were viewed, sources told the Sunday Shitraker. She lives with her husband Dimwittie at one – or more - of her several addresses.

The Home Secretary, already under investigation by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Bog Standards over her misuse of the second homes allowance, told reporters from the gutter press she would not be resigning and giving up her perks.

The Sunday Shitraker’s political correspondent, Hector McTwat, said Ms Smith was "livid and shocked" when she found out about the porn film charges being made public knowledge and that she’d been caught red-handed once again cheating on her MP expenses.

McTwat further stated Smith was also seriously pissed off with being labelled ‘Minister of Scandals’ by the gutter press and them classing her in the same bent politicians league as Neil ‘The Wheel’ Hamilton, Jeffrey Archer, Derek Conway, Keith Vaz and Lord Peter Mandelslime.

Apparently Smith claims she’d given her husband (who she dubiously claims expenses for as being her parliamentary assistant) a "real ear-bashing" over the porno movie rentals – especially the bestiality genre.
Further, Smith states she’d not been at home when they were viewed – but such a statement issued in the same string as so many previous perjurious deceptions is shrouded by an obvious miasma of disbelief – with reporters stating Smith couldn’t tell the truth even if she didn’t have a lie ready.

The dodgy claim in question was submitted in January as part of Ms Smith's latest list of expenses, the Sunday Shitraker reported.
The films were viewed from April 2008 when Smith took out the Virgin Media deal - with the exclusive Richard Desmond-owned ‘Filth Channels’ option included.

It was also said to incorporate film viewings at £4.75 each – the first of which was ‘Pussy’s Up’.
The press source, regardless of Smith’s denials, maintains the films were viewed at her constituency home in Greeditch, Smegmashire while she was present.

Foreign Secretary David Millipede told the BBC's Andrew ‘Bat Ears’ Marr show : "Jacqui Smith is doing an outstanding job as ‘Second Home’ Secretary and is entitled to watch whatever kinky porno movies she likes.”
"For Christ’s sake, why is the stupid taxpayer complaining – they cost less than a fiver a go – even for the real hard core BD/SM mutant slapper cluster-fuck ones.”

Ms Stabvest said in a statement: "I'm sorry that in claiming for my internet connection I’ve been caught out claiming for a television package alongside it, and I’ve bollocked my husband Dimwittie for watching the Dirty Desmond ‘Wanker’s’ channel and then charging it to my MP’s expenses account by mistake.”
"As soon as the matter was brought to my attention, I took immediate steps to sweep the matter under the rug but some rotten bastard had grassed me up again."
"All money claimed for the television package – and the 285 porno movies viewed - will be paid back in full – once I receive an expenses cheque for my third home and the guard dog’s kennel.”

Ms. Smith has categorically denied her husband’s name is on the national sex offender’s register - and further denied that she personally had appeared in some of the aforementioned porn movies - specifically ‘FemDom Barbie – Stabvest Strapon Queen’.

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