Friday, 6 March 2009

Lord Scandalson Gets Green Slime Facemask

Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson has had a tub of green custard thrown in his face by a protester this morning as he arrived at the lighting of a low-carbon emissions bonfire in London.

The protester, Ms. Candida Mingerot, is a member of the Plane Stupid Green group campaigning against a third runway, stretching from Heathrow to Cornwall.
They claim the six lane landing strip, complete with hard shoulders and a central reservation, is actually a stealth trunk road and should be reclassified as a motorway.

The move was a "last resort" after the democratic process failed, she told media reporters, “So I slimed him with a mixture of green custard and lime-flavoured blancmange – totally ‘greened’ him up.”
Ms. Mingerot further stated Scandalson was no longer an elected politician but a House of Lords ‘Vermin in Ermine’ wheeler-dealer representing the 'interests of big business' rather than the 'interests of the people and the planet' in backing the new runway.

Ms Mingerot, who belongs to the Plane Stupid Green group’s para-military attack force, denied indulging in "childish" stunts and hit back at criticism of her e-mailed in by the BBC's Blue Peter viewers.
"You can talk about me being a brain-dead yuppie but I’m no such thing. I've got a very normal background apart from being a member of my local BD/SM club and the church choir," she told Sky 69 News, waving a riding crop at the cameraman, while reiterating the protest was "a light hearted way of making a very serious point.”

Ms. Mingerot, after being tasered and beaten with pickaxe handles by responding plods, told detectives she regretted shouting “Here, cop for this, you bent faggot twat – it’s Fat Duck flu vomit,” stating the remark was only meant to scare her victim.

Lord Scandalson said security was a police matter but he did not want to "go back" to the 24-hour protection he had when Northern Ireland Secretary and couldn’t even bonk his live-in Brazilian electrician boyfriend without some nosy plods peeking through the French windows and giggling.

The government business secretary said people should not "over-react" to the incident as he’d had all kinds of nasty shit said about him and thrown at him before.
“I suppose in a democracy people are entitled to have their say but I would rather people said it to my face rather than throw it.” he joked.
He added: "I am prepared to take my fair share of the green revolution on my shoulders but I am less keen on having it in my face, even if it is lime-flavoured."

Ex-deputy PM John ‘Punchy’ Prescott, himself a past recipient of ballistic barrages of assorted shite, commented to Parliamentary reporters “If the cunt ‘ad thrown that crap in me face I’d ‘ave put ‘er lights out an’ given ‘er a right good kick in the twat.”

Gordon Brown attended today’s bonfire, organised to look at ways in which the UK can develop cheap heating fuels from old tyres, roadkill, Europallets and junk mail.

He called for a "new green deal" to boost the environmental sector and help lift the UK’s stagnant economy out of recession by taxing the unemployed and cutting their social security benefits if they don’t each gather a ton of waste cardboard and newspapers a week.

The government wants to turn the UK into a world leader in green industries of the future, with the aim of reducing carbon emissions another 5% by the year 2150 and winning the Al Gore Award for Global Warming Bullshit.

Tests made on the supposed green custard / lime blancmange mixture thrown over Lord Sleaze have resulted in negative traces of the threatened virulent Fat Duck flu strain of the ‘Manky Mallard’ virus that is currently ravaging the village of 'Heston Bloominheck' in Berkshire.

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