Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Millipede Spits Dummy Over Windfarm Protests

Climate Change Minister Edwina Millipede yesterday castigated New Age and environment critics for their protests over the siting of a proposed wind farm at Stonehenge, calling them all a bunch of unemployed landless peasant fucks.

Millipede totally lost it, spit the proverbial dummy and threw all his toys out of the pram during a foot-stamping tantrum which resembled an epileptic seizure, with foaming saliva flying everywhere as he ranted and raved - bug eyes almost popping out of his pointy little head.

“How dare you working class scumbags disagree with my bright ideas – or the government!”
“We’ve got all your smarmy git faces on CCTV footage and Mrs. Smith will have your names and addresses written down somewhere too!”
“Just wait til Homeland Security come round and kick your door down in the middle of the night then cart you all off to one of Common Purpose’s nasty concentration camps!”

Edwina is the twin brother of the celebrated diplomatic faux pas specialist, Foreign Secretary, David Millipede who recently prompted India to pronounce him persona non grata after he presumed to tell top politicians how to run their country and recommended they declare war on neighbouring Pakistan to settle the Kashmir issue.

The twins, now an established New Labour stand up comedy double act, were born conjouned at the hydolephacutus and not seperated until after they graduated from Rotting Corpus College, Oxford.

Edwina, the cross-dressing twin, is currently Labour MP for Wind-in-the-Willows and was appointed to the cabinet as climate change secretary by Gordon Brown in October 2008 as a reward for giving twin David a good slapping for challenging Brown’s position in a bid to gain the party leadership.

In a speech that infuriated rural campaigners, Millipede said the Government should be tougher in pushing through controversial wind turbine schemes.
He further lectured the protesters, saying that opposing wind farms is as 'socially unacceptable' as nose picking, peeing in the jaccuzi or dropping gnarly farts on the bus.”

His comments were made at the screening of a new film, The Age of Stupid, which warns of the future negative effects of permitting any further misgovernance by New Labour’s self-seeking incompetent politicians.
The ironic and nihilistic message of the film is to demand a snap election tomorrow, oust Labour from power and let the Tories totally screw up the country beyond the point of no-return.

Millipede, speaking at a press conference following the film’s screening, and obviously distraught by its evident implications, lost his proverbial rag when environmentalists said the massive expansion of onshore wind farms was threatening some of Britain's best-loved countryside and called for a halt to the Wiltshire Stongehenge wind farm project.

Millipede enraged protesters from Druids-R-Us by commenting that Stonehenge was just a pile of tumbling old rocks, then caused further ire among the ranks of the RSPB who say the siting of the wind farm will devastate the nesting grounds of the already-threatened species of lesser spotted cormorants and greater crested killiwacky birds.

Millipede’s moronic answer to this dilemma was “Well, they’ll just have to flutter off and lay their fucking eggs somewhere else, won’t they !”

Millipede informed the assembly that 7,000 new wind turbines have been planned for the UK over the next year to meet critical EU targets on greenhouse gas emissions.
More than half are expected to be built onshore and, because turbines are most efficient on high land, many are being proposed for unspoilt natural beauty areas such as mountains, moors and hillsides.

The global warming deniers lobby, while wholly agreeing with the climate change factor, contested the faulty science that claims global warming is caused by human activity and the emission of greenhouse gases, arguing that the climate change phenomena is due to obscure long-term variations in solar activity.

Once again Millipede displayed his pathetic lack of tact, diplomatic skills and a moron’s level of elementary science knowledge by responding in hysterical soprano fashion, screeching “The Sun ? – for Christ’s sake it’s millions of bloody miles away – how’s that going to cause global warming when we hardly ever see the bloody thing in the UK anyway ?”

Do you have a wind farm in your back garden? What shoe size is your carbon footprint? Do you believe anything the government says? Have you ever been diagnosed as being terminally gullible?

Enter our online global warming quiz and you could win hundreds of carbon credit points to pay for your next holiday at one of the UK’s greenhouse-friendly recycling plants or a fortnight in a rural setting, up to your knees in shit counting cow farts.

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