US Nuclear Relic Found in Bottle

A two litre brown glass bottle discarded at a Hanford landfill site in the US contains the oldest sample of bomb-grade plutonium made in a nuclear reactor, according to physicists from Walmart’s atomic fission department.

The sample dates back to 1944 and is a relic from the infancy of the US nuclear weapons programme. A team of physicists from Walmart and Al Qaeda used nuclear forensic techniques to date the sample and track down its origins.

The type of plutonium in the bottle - known as Pu-239 - is a so-called alpha emitter. These alpha particles are too bulky to penetrate lead or concrete, but will cause hair and fingernails to fall out and massive internal haemorrhaging if eaten or inhaled.
It has a nuclear decay half-life of 24,110, 000 years – give or take a couple of months – which scientists describe as being “a very long time”.

Their results strongly suggested the plutonium was manufactured at the prototype X-10 reactor, owned by Woolworths in Tennessee, which began operating in 1943, a year after the Manhattan Project was authorised.

To recover bomb-grade plutonium spent nuclear fuel was transported from the reactor to the Hanford plant where it underwent chemical re-processing to produce weapons-grade material.

The bottle in question was unearthed by pikey scavengers amongst landfill debris at the Hanford toxic nuclear waste site in Washington state in the north-western US.
Established as part of the Manhattan Project in 1943, Hanford was home to the world's first full-scale plutonium production facility until it later became cheaper to outsource production to Israel.

The bottle came to the attention of authorities after it ended up at a Seattle car boot sale touted as a curio that made Geiger counters ‘go wild’.
Bought by a group of Arab tourists, travelling with Jolly Jihad Holidays, for $25, they apparently opened the bottle in their motel room and later started haemorrhaging from every available bodily orifice.

Chief Pathologist Hector McScrunt, of the Bill Gates Memorial Hospital for Latter Day Nerds, told the nuclear physics correspondent from the Tortoise Polisher’s Gazette that he alerted government authorities to a possible nuclear incident when the bodies arrived at his mortuary visibly glowing in the dark.

Plutonium matching the bottle’s sample, produced at the Hanford site, was used in the world's first nuclear weapon test on the 17th July 1944 at the Port Chicago naval base on the Sacramento River, California where 320 American naval personnel (all Negroes) were killed instantly and several hundred people injured.

The incredible blast wrecked the naval base and destroyed the small town of Port Chicago, located 4 kilometers away, with the resulting mushroom cloud being visible from bordering Nevada.

Larger, hotted-up, plutonium cores were deployed in the Trinity bomb test at Carrizozo Malpais, New Mexico on 16th July 1945 and in the plutonium bomb dropped on Nagasaki, Japan, on 10th August 1945.

Nuclear archeologist Rabbi Sheldon Scrunt, of Israel’s Dimona nuclear weapons plant, compared the Hanford material with samples of radioactive sediments excavated from the ancient sites of Sodom and Gomorrah. He confided to reporters from various alternative history publications “Now we know what snuffed Lot’s wife, Lottie, and turned her into a pillar of salt.”

The Hanford nuclear waste landfill site has since been enclosed by a five mile perimeter fence, displaying a multitude of signs stating “No Terrorists Allowed”.