Drunken Harpy Bites off Boyfriend’s Tongue

A Smegmadale woman deliberately bit off her boyfriend's tongue during a drunken birthday kiss, a court has heard.

Candida Skagrat, 40, an unemployed coal heaver, bit off half of Harry McTwat’s's tongue during a drunken French necking session, Smegmadale Crown Court was told.

They were celebrating McTwat’s 45th birthday at his Pikey’s Paradise Housing Estate rented shed in January, when Ms. Skagrat grew upset because she wasn’t getting pregnant as McTwat, being a devout Catholic, kept giving her one up the rear passage in accordance with Vatican contraception guidelines.

Ms Skagrat of Harpie Terrace, Smegmadale, denies causing grievous bodily harm with intent, stating she just got carried away in the passionate heat of the moment.

The court heard how they went to a supermarket on the 10th January, buying six bottles of vodka, four cases of Headbanger Lager and a carton of salty tomcat flavoured crisps for later that evening, before going to their local Reefer and Hemp pub together.

They returned to Mr. McTwat’s shed and smoked a couple of spliffs after which Ms Skagrat grew upset because she wanted octuplets like some other woman she had seen on television but was not yet pregnant.

As McTwat comforted her, explaining that he needed a bigger shed so they could get married and have room for eight children, she grabbed him round the neck, forced her lips against his and as his tongue sought hers, she seized it between her teeth and ravaged it terrier-fashion.

Mr McTwat, a licenced cormorant strangler, told the court how the loss of half his tongue had affected his ability to communicate verbally, providing the assembly with a “Gottle of geer” amateur ventriloquist demonstration.
While the jury rolled around in laughter, McTwat explained how he could no longer work, struggled to speak, and had lost many of his taste buds.

McTwat further stated "I’ll never enjoy a Vindaloo curry again - I can't distinguish a lot of foods now, like the difference between cheese on toast or kippers.”
"I can't use my tongue for eating or whistling, and all those are things you took for granted, like licking stamps and iced lollies.”
“Me tongues too short for licking pussy anymore, not that I can taste whether it is pussy or a rotten herring.”

After the attack Ms. Skagrat realised what she’d done and called an ambulance and paramedics, who alerted the police.

Police Constable Fuctifino told the court: "Ms. Skagrat was pissed out of her tree and stoned too. She said she’d bitten Mr. McTwat’s tongue off and swallowed it, which prompted me to comment : Thank fuck you weren’t giving him a blow job.”

Asked what had in fact really happened to the bitten-off section of Mr McTwat’s tongue, Ms. Skagrat told the court that she had swallowed it. When further questioned by the prosecution what it tasted like she replied “Tongue”.

The trial continues.