Friday, 13 March 2009

Bonkers Boris Plans Pedestrian Roadkill Season

Pedestrians will be forced to sprint over traffic crossings under a plan favouring motorists that Bonkers Boris Nonsense, the Mayor of London, has proposed.

Digital signs that count down the seconds until cars get a green light will be introduced at 6,000 sets of lights. Those on foot will lose up to six seconds of crossing time during each phase. Drivers will be able to watch the digitally-displayed countdown while revving the shit out of their Chelsea tractor engines and slipping the clutch to speed off the grid ‘Indie 500’ fashion.

The signs are part of the mayor’s plan to give more green time to the city's traffic at the expense of pedestrians. He hopes that pedestrians will either speed up as they see the countdown approaching zero or, if they are slow walkers, wait at the kerb for a few hours until a traffic jam occurs.

Ladbrokes bookies are jubilant at Boris’s ‘kamikaze pedestrian’ plan, stating they intend to position tic tac men at every major traffic junction to take bets on which Zimmer frame equipped geriatrics or wobbly teletubbie / couch potato types will get mown down when the lights turn to green.

Other authorities are interested in the technology, used in many cities abroad, including Copenhagen, Los Angeles and Singapore. In Taipei and Istanbul, the green man walks faster shortly before the lights change, then starts to run like fuck, encouraging pedestrians to mimic him and increase their pace to a mad dash and avoid getting flattened by a bendy bus.

People used to having a certain time to cross at their local lights may suddenly find themselves halfway across the road as the traffic starts to move and receive an on-the-spot £60 fine from their friendly Community Support officer before being ambulanced off to hospital.

Mayor Nonsense has asked the Department of Transport for permission to install the country’s first pedestrian countdown signs outside Parliament with an A & E post alongside and manned 24/7 by paramedics with an adequate stock of body bags.

The Living Streets charity, which campaigns for pedestrians, urban foxes, hedgehogs and snails said that those crossing the road needed more time at many junctions, not less.
It further stated that more than 500 London junctions already fail to give pedestrians the minimum ten seconds time slot set by DfT safety guidelines.

Candida Muffitch, the head of the charity, said: “This latest daft idea by Bonkers Boris is even dafter than his last daft idea, and that was pretty bloody daft.”
“What about some consideration for all the overweight wobble-bottoms and the elderly and those with disabilities? It’s going to end up worse that a session of Cambodian hopscotch.”

Conversely, Brian McTwat, spokesman for Jaywalkers International, told the highways correspondent for the Traffic Lights Gazette that Mayor Nonsense’s scheme would provide great stimulus for extreme sports enthusiasts, with an entire competition event structure evolving alike the current Triathalon contests.
Proposed 'Beat the Green' events could involve sack races, skateboards, roller blades, hop-step and jump, stilts, pole vaulting, pogo sticks and the long jump.
Disabled contestant events could include pedestrian crossing races with Zimmer frames, crutches or wheelschairs.

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