Monday, 23 March 2009

Pope Benny gets Laid on African Tour

The world’s gutter press tabloids and radical anarchist websites are rife with rumours that Pope Benny, the all-new German built Mk XVI papal model, while on a Beg & Bless mission in Cameroon last week, got his wrinkly old celibate ass laid big-time.

While the Vatican Gestapo have been quick to stamp on the news reports emanating from Cameroon, and even faster in dispatching rumour-mongering members of Rome’s salivating paparazzi to the Inquisition’s dungeons for a spot of NLP, this is a 1 in 3 gradient rolling stone piece of tittle-tattle that’s gathering momentum as it approaches the European Catholic home front impact point.

Pope Benny was greeted and ‘entertained’ during his three-day visit to the country’s macaroon-growing capital of Yaoundé by the wife of the country’s president : Chantal Biya – reckoned by carnally-favoured foreign diplomats and international business dignitaries to be the best three-hole shag in West Africa.

Mrs. Biya, the mulatto product of a French aardvark-fancier and macaroon farming father and a Cameroon Frog-fancying mother, adores to pose in bikini-clad fashion before the cameras of slobbering Western press photographers and regale drooling journalists with tales of her sexual exploits.

The seven foot tall ginger minga Amazon boasts her vulval dynamics are so highly developed that she can squeeze a sopping bath towel dry and has perfected the Karma Sutra’s enigmatic and legendary ‘snapping pussy’ technique that enables a woman to slice carrots (or whatever) with her biting ‘bear trap’ strength vaginal muscles.

First Lady Chantal won the country’s beauty pageant title of ‘Miss Mingerot – Cameroons’ in 1994, then married President Paul Biya following a lightning one-night stand romance after his first wife, Jeanne-Irène Biya, died tragically the previous day in a Formula One wheelbarrow racing event.

Subsequent to her marriage Chantal established several charitable organisations, the foremost being her personal Zurich-based favourites: the ‘Chantal Biya Benevolent Fund’, the 'Chantal Duty-Free Shopping Fund’ and the ‘Chantal Biya Conflict Diamond Endowment’.

Among Cameroonian women, Biya is notorious not only for her ‘material acquisitions’, ravenous libido and Alpha-Domina eroticism but also a collection of emasculated and dried male genitalia culled from lovers who didn’t perform to expectations.

But foremost on the noteriety index come her flamboyant hairstyles that are a frequent cause of hysterical mirth for Western press photographers who have labelled her with the slanderous title of Madame Mop.

Her signature style, called the ‘banana bouffant’ is used for formal occasions and looks like a peacock on speed caught in a forty knot crosswind, which has to be formed around a bamboo scaffolding foundation involving cranes and teams of haute coiffeur technicians working around the clock.

Following the departure of Pope Benny and his entourage of Vatican beggars, First Lady Chantal, in her customary ‘kiss and tell’ boastacious fashion, alluded to the rumour-hungry journalists of her more ‘intimate’ late night moments together with the Pontiff when he personally heard her lengthy confession and how they ate oysters and drank champagne while discussing ‘Uganda’, after which she seduced His Holiness with Cameroon biftas and double-strength Viagra.

The First Lady also confided that Pope Benny had invited her for a reciprocal visit to the Vatican for what she described as an “up close and confidential personal Papal blessing.”

This is the third visit by a Catholic pope to the Cameroons, which has 5 million lapsed and apathetic Catholics out of its 17 million cannibalist heathen , monkey-shagging population.
The late Pope John Paul Mk II (Polish-built model) visited the country in 1995 and, after departing with a shit-eating grin of Biblical proportions, visited again the following year, in 1996, for another serving of Chantal’s legendary hospitality.

Judging from the Cheshire cat smile on Pope Benny’s face when leaving the capital Yaoundé for Angola at weekend, similar sentiuments might well be in his mind, for he stood atop the aircraft boarding gantry, turned to the crowd and, giving his crotch an evocative squeeze declared, MacArthur-fashion, “I shall return.”

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