Common Purpose to Recruit Mary Ann Bighead

Rumours ricocheting around the hallowed halls of the nation’s gutter press are rife that the Illuminati’s New World Order NLP-brainwashing pseudo-charity Common Purpose intends to recruit the world’s smartest woman, Mary Ann Siegheil, to join their esteemed ranks of egocentric prats and oicks as its new European Union Oberstfuhrer.

Siegheil, born in 1961, is the daughter of Heinrich Siegheil, an Austrian journalist turned professional prisoner of conscience, who once arranged his own kidnapping by Palestine’s Gaza gangsters and by doing so, secured a personal interview with Al Fatah leader Yessir Marrafat’s cat.
Remembered by Zionist detractors as a life-long Nazi Holohoax denier, having worked during his Hitler Youth days as a greeter at Auswitchz he was eventually eaten by Albanian pikey cannibals while conducting a one-man Vegans First campaign in the Balkans.

Sielheil’s mother, Fellatius Ann Siegheil, (nee McScrunt) was chairwoman of the National Association for Spoiled Brats, a celebrity cormorant trainer and later the first woman to pick up dogshit around Britain’s inner city parks – even though it wasn’t her own canine’s – a failed social experiment.

Mary Ann attended private and reform schools, graduating with a third-class degree in Advanced Prattle from Wufflers College in Oxford, where she was appointed ‘Head Blatherskite’ of the Feminists Debating Society.

In 1981 she took part in the feted Guinness Records book attempt to see how many inflated egos students could squeeze into an Oxford red telephone box, which failed miserably when they found Mary Ann’s wouldn’t even fit through the door.

During the summer holidays of her second year at Oxford she worked as a coal-heaver’s mate and later as a midden shoveller to get the true feel of what it was like to be ‘working class scum’ and covered in shit all day long.

Suffering from the medical condition prosopagnosia she struggles to recognise faces – including their own – and during her university years caused several hilarious episodes when failing to recognise blokes she’d bonked the previous weekend.
This entertaining factor eventually became a standing joke as she would ask men at parties, in a manner akin to the Queen’s oft-parodied and cliched question to peasants - “Has one come far?” the general enquiry of : “Have I shagged you already?”

Her marriage to husband Jeremy Poppycock, also a prosopagnosia sufferer, resulted in many highly embarrasing incidents, culminating in a masterpiece on the morning of their wedding when both were waiting outside the Marylebone registry office and neither recognised the other. It wasn’t until friends and family turned up and ‘reintroduced’ them that the ceremony was able to proceed.

The congenital consequence of their mating has resulted in a eugenics nightmare with all four of their children suffering from prosopagnosia, being unable to recognise brother or sister or their parents : added to which Mary Ann and Jeremy fail to recognise each other, or their kids.
Further, the children have inherited further cognitive disorders which not only affect face recognition but have produced a disability to recognise they’re complete and utter dickheads.

While they collectively might well be able to provide a split-second correct answer to the Brainiac Family Challenge question of what is the square root of the distance from Croydon to Pluto divided by the length of the Neasden Bypass, in furlongs, plus 186,396,205,317, divided by 3.14, they still lack a single nano-gram of common sense and don’t know shit from shinola.

After Oxford Siegheil, famously once dubbed ‘the most self-promoting young slapper in Britain’, went on to work as a pencil sharpener at the Lobster Pot Weekly Review, where, she recalls “Bill Deedes, was my editor when I was just a slip of a girl and he was 94. I adored him, but in an utterly chaste way as he hadn’t raised an erection since the Relief of Mafeking. I used to spend my lunch hour filling in his wrinkles with coloured crayons and boring him with opinionated sexist homilys.”

The late Deedes, interviewed via a DeadBlog sceance weblink to his coffin, told the media he remembered Siegheil fondly, recalling – “She was priceless, a sanctimonious little twat - delightfully priggish and pompous, who would sermonise and lecture all the editorial staff and sundry in her unique self-righteous patronising tone.”

Rumours linking the tabloid-bashing Siegheil romantically to Pierced Moron, the late editor of the Daily Shitraker’s insider trading stock market section have always been strenuously denied.

Further advancement in journalism came when she joined the Tortoise Polisher’s Gazette and there met political correspondent Jeremy Poppycock who she would eventually marry and have their ‘famous four’ children who were considered to be so clever they were inducted into Mensa while still foetuses.

The eldest, a boy, Brainicus, is currently studying to be a gas fitter in Cracow.
Second child Pedantica, recently told the Mensa Monthly Review “I want to be just like Mummy - full of shit, write pointless books and earn lots of money.”
Third child, Amphibia is already making her mark in the sports world as an Olympic athlete, specifically in the long jump, swimming and diving events.
Fourth child Mutanta, wishes to become an actress and had a small part in last year’s box office winner X Men 3 : as a microbe.

Hence with the main objective of Common Purpose being social control in the European Union’s collectivist and corporatist society, and Siegheil being renown as a stickler for anything that aids and abets totalitarian social domination, she is the obvious choice as an upper echelon recruit for the pseudo-charity’s ranks.

(Common Purpose – the Kafkaesque-Orwellian think tank founded by control-freak Julia Middleton in 1989 – is not to be confused with ‘Common Porpoise’, a ‘genuine’ registered charity linked to Dolphin Watch, which aids beached and distressed marine mammals)

While the bogus ‘charity’ states it’s objectives are benign, the true aims of Common Purpose are the destruction of the national identity of Britain, the destruction of democracy in Britain, the destruction of the family unit, the undermining of traditional beliefs and values and the slow, secretive merging of the public and private sectors into a European Union super-state-controlled Big Brother surveillance society.

Thus Common Purpose’s team of fanatics are basically promoting the Hegelian dialectic of creating order out of chaos : and wherever chaos does not already exist, their NLP brainwashed graduates will be tasked with creating it : Problem-Reaction-Solution style.

Common Purpose’s questionable motto clearly states : “If we want our leaders to see the bigger picture they have to go out and view the world through other people’s eyes : specifically OURS”
It is speculated, and feared, however, that taking into account Siegheil’s inherent megalomania she may well switch the ‘OURS’ for ‘MINE’.