Tuesday, 17 March 2009

UK University Fees set to Skyrocket

Many universities in England and Wales are demanding a sharp increase in the tuition fees that students already cannot afford to pay, a survey by Tinpot News has concluded.

Grasping vice-chancellors, speaking anonymously lest they end up crucified for their avaricious proposals, said they needed to raise fees to fuel their own salaries, pensions and performance bonuses to the same rank as bankers, suggesting levels of between £10,000 and £25,000 per year / per head.

More than half of university heads want struggling British students to pay at least £10,000 per year and indebt themselves to government-licenced loan sharks for the duration of Eternity.

England's Higher Education Minister Desmond Thort-Nott told the media there was an important debate to be had here, but he couldn’t for the life of him see what the fuck it actually was.

The National Union of Students has warned of student debts amounting to ‘lots and lots of effing money’ if fees rise to £10,000 per year – or above.

The controversy over tuition fees is set to be re-opened, five years after it sparked one of the biggest backbench rebellions faced by the Tony Bliar’s spineless and corrupt New Labour government.
Any changes will affect about a million students on undergraduate courses.
This has angered the National Union of Students, which wants to entirely replace the fee system with repayments linked to unemployment benefits.

Sally Clunt, leader of the CUKU lecturers' union, quoted Matthew 16:26 “For what doth it profit a man, if he gain the whole world and doth lose his own soul”, accusing vice chancellors of "ignoring the views of the general public as they try to secure more cash for themselves by any means possible.”

Speaking candidly to the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette she further stated "In the context of the current recession what’s the point. Students are never going to be able to repay their loans regardless as there won’t be any jobs for them once they graduate.”
“But look at it this way – Britain will have the best-educated unemployed labour force in the World.”

NUS president Wes Fuctifino told the media “it’s extremely arrogant for university vice chancellors to be fantasising about charging their students even higher fees and plunging them into deeper levels debt.”

“We saw this coming when Thatcher knocked the kiddie's school milk allowance in the head to finance her Falklands War – now just look at the incidence of dental decay and other calcium deficiency-related illness in the country since : like osteoporosis. That’s all Barmy Maggie Thatcher’s fault. Fuckin’ Tories!”

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