Saturday, 28 March 2009

Sino Leather Preservative May Cause Leprosy

A judge is expected to order several UK retailers to pay millions of pounds to people who developed leprosy and suffered radiation poisoning rashes and galloping skin rot from faulty leather sofas and fetish sex BD/SM outfits.

The Leprosy Gazette now has evidence that Argrot, Wormsleys and Lesion Land accept liability for the septic scabs outbreak - subject to it being proved that afflictions were caused by the sofas and leather fetish gear and not from camping in nuclear test sites.

The High Street stores, along with scores of others may have to pay what lawyers described as “lots and lots of lovely money” in compensation and legal costs.
They maintain that makes it "the largest ‘class action’ compensation claim ever seen in British Courts
More than five thousand people assert they were affected by the problem - with tens of thousands more suffering burns not yet traced to the affected sofas.

The Strontium 90 style yak leather sofas were manufactured in China and packed with sachets of radioactive waste to kill infestations of yak fleas and MRSA bacteria, and stop them from going mouldy during storage in humid conditions.

Commonly known as ‘depleted strontium’, the toxic, fine white powder is still being used by some manufacturers to protect leather goods like furniture and bondage outfits from mould even though it is known very small amounts can be harmful and cause contaminated people to glow in the dark – then die.

One Scouse customer, Slutsy McTwat, bought a comfy leather ‘Do Me’ bondage seat from Scabsters Fine Furniture last Christmas to enjoy what she described as “a few leg-spreading festive season fireside fucks wiv some of me boyfriends”.

Almost a week later she started to notice a rash developing on her buttocks and upper thighs.
After a couple of days her pubic hair fell out by the roots and the skin started flaking off her buns. She says the irritation was so bad she was using several tubes of Preparation H a day to ease her affliction.

Slutsy was seen by more than a dozen NHS doctors, whom it took over a month to find her medical records and a further two months of tests to decide they didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with her – or what was causing her skin to peel off like Polish wallpaper

Slutsy explained to the hazardous substances correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette that at first she suspected it was simply another nasty dose of the clap she’d picked up off one of her casual shags. “Anyway, when me snatch started glowin’ in the fuckin’ dark I knew summat woz really wrong.”

A Liverpool venereal diseases consultant specialising in ‘galloping cuntrot’ eventually solved the mystery.
After hearing of an increasing number of female patients with similar symptoms, the doctor discovered they had all recently bought new leather furniture or leather BD/SM outfits, which had been preserved with the radioactive chemical in China.

The doctor tested the contents of one of the sofa preservative sachets by moronically dipping his fingers in it then licking them, and recorded a rapid negative dermal reaction when his tongue fell off.

Meanwhile several ambulance-chasing law firms quickly cottoned on to the fact there could be thousands suffering in ignorance of their affliction’s causes and tens of millions of pounds in legal fees and compensation awards to be squeezed out of a class action suit.

They put advertisements in national newspapers, warning people they may have been affected.
"We advertised in eight national newspapers in January, and purely from those we got another 3,500 people coming forward," said Sue Fleecem of Leech, Parasite and Wanker solicitors.

EU Consumer Affairs Commissioner, Candida Bogbrush said: "We are absolutely certain that the minor quantities of the powdered strontium in leather sofas or BD/SM fetish gear could be dangerous. Anyone experiencing massive hair loss, fingernails falling out, skin lesions or profuse haemorrhaging from bodily orifices is advised to contact their nearest funeral director.”

A further warning was issued by the UK’s atomic weapons establishment at Aldermaston yesterday, directed at informed or affected persons rooting around and retrieving the radioactive sachets from their leather furniture, to contact the authority’s mobile disposal teams and not throw into their recycle-friendly wheelie bins.

A class of fourteen year-old schoolchildren from Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High last week reportedly brought a bag of retrieved strontium sachets into their chemistry class and proceeded to microwave them on full power, causing what insurance assessors have described as a ‘three kiloton nuclear explosion’ which devastated the area, leaving a sixty foot deep crater, half a mile across.
The local council authority, while mourning the massive loss of life, say the crater will come in handy as a landfill site.

Rumours that a truckload of the retrieved nuclear weapons-grade powdered strontium preservative sachets have been hijacked by the Islamic fundamentalist Jolly Jihad terrorist organisation are currently being investigated by a team of SuperPlods from New Scotland Yard.

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