Thursday, 26 March 2009

China Declares War on YouTube, Pentagon & Gerbils

China claims YouTube video footage that purportedly shows Chinese security personnel violently beating Tibetans for fun in Lhasa last week is "a whopping big stinking Western capitalist running dog lie” and have blocked access to its website across the entire Middle Kingdom.

The video apparently shows supermarket shoppers being beaten with rifle butts and pickaxe handles, then kicked and garrotted by China's consumer-friendly security forces.

The Tibetan government-in-exile claim the footage shows China's "brutality" towards the conquered people but Chinese officials say the images and voices in the video have been pieced together with clips from the Simpsons, BBC’s Teletubbies, and Wallace and Gromit cartoon footage.

But Tetanus Sandwichpack, the Dalai Lama's representative, said the footage clearly showed Chinese police arresting and beating shoppers after they complained about the fact the supermarket shelves and fridges were empty, apart from frozen gerbils.

"The footage clearly shows the beating of Tibetan captives even after they are handcuffed and tied," said the representative.

One Tibetan, Tentpeg Crackerbarrel, was on his way to a Falun Gong class when he was beaten while trying to stop Chinese police officers setting fire to a group of Buddhist monks.
He was later discovered partially dead in a rubbish skip with both kidneys and his liver missing, which the police blamed on local Lhasa vampire activity.

In a further outburst over smarting sensibilities this week, Beijing has reacted angrily to a recent Pentagon report on China's burgeoning military, which claimed it was altering the strategic balance of power in Asia : in gross contrast to the US’s Zionist neo-colonial misadventures to achieve military hegemony in the Middle East and Afghanistan, and entire East-Asian Pacific region.

In its annual report to Congress, the Pentagon complained China’s military machine was bigger than the US’s - with them having a strategically-focused and nuclear-backed standing army in excess of five million strong – two million not-so strong – and half a million whimps : compared to the US / Coalition’s regional force of knackered Gulf War Syndrome-afflicted deadbeats and PFI / Blackwater guns-for-hire psychopaths.

Displaying a fit of pique at the negative press reports concerning their illegal occupation of Tibet and video-recorded human rights crimes broadcast globally, coupled with the Pentagon’s anti-Sino ‘Cold War thinking’ report, the Beijing government spit the dummy, with Premier Jabba Who Wat Wen lashing out blindly by declaring open warfare on the gerbil population of Wankin Province : ordering the spreading hundreds of kilos of grain bait laced with contraceptive pills to bring about a genocide event to decimate the rodent’s swelling ranks.

Forestry officials are leaving pills, disguised as bran feed, by the gerbils' burrows to try to cut back the rodent population’s continuing geometric-rate expansion.
The gerbils, officials say, are threatening the fragile desert ecosystem in the vast Wankin region by eating the roots of the opium poppies from inside their burrows.

Trapping the rodents as a food source had proved only a partial success as the indigenous peasants claim the gerbils taste like shit – even when curried.

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