Friday, 20 March 2009

Hewitt Gives Assisted Suicides Thumbs-Up

Former New Labour ill-health secretary Patricia Hewitt is urging MPs to make it legal for people to take depressed or terminally ill patients into a secluded wood to perform their assisted suicides.

Originally it was proposed to convey the intended suicides abroad but the local woods approach will reduce travelling costs, cut airline flight CO2 emissions and reduce the overall carbon footprint effects by providing on-site burial facilities through a ‘bye-bye ceremony’ wherein the intended suicide victim can help to dig their own shallow grave if they so wish.

Hewitt, MP for Red Leicester, who was described by opposition Parliamentarians on her resignation in 2007 as the "worst Health Secretary in the history of the NHS”, claims thousands of people are seeking suicide help since recession-linked mass redundancies have heaved millions out of work over the last few months.

Hewitt told the euthanasia correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that thousands of the people forced into unemployment due the recession had lost their homes and seen credit card limits reduced to zilch, hence could no longer afford tropical destination vacations or Christmas skiing breaks.

“These people, deprived of their wallets full of plastic, have become so despondent and depressed with life they simply want to curl up and die. I believe we should legally sanction them the dignity of ritual seppuku, sooner than shoulder the ignominy of selling Big Issues or sleeping in shop doorways.”

“Just look at how those nice gentlemen from Mossad and MI6 helped Dr. David Kelly with his suicide in a lovely quiet woodland setting. Penknife not too sharp - plenty of co-proxamol tablets, very considerate all round -even if he didn’t actually want to commit suicide. Well, with older people and dementia cases, sometimes you have to make the decision for them – for their own good.”

“We can get local authorities involved to cut down on costs even further if the suicide’s relatives are the hoity-toity types and won’t help. Then one of the council’s friendly Community Support officers can go and assist in putting the noose around their necks or rig up a hose from the exhaust pipe to their car’s interior – then turn the engine off once they’ve finished choking on the fumes. All so environmentally-friendly.”

More than 100 MPs have signed a Commons motion calling for the issue to be debated so they can all have a good laugh and crack a few tasteless jokes on the issues of euthanasia, self-harm and suicide cases not being allowed burial in consecrated ground.

The UK currently has the third longest list of people registered with the Swiss suicide charity Snuffers (after Eritrea and Darfur) awaiting a lift with their mortal exits, an Undertakers-R-Us survey has revealed.

Should the law be changed regarding assisted suicide? Have you ever assisted in a suicide? Have you ever committed suicide yourself? Do you find New Labour’s running of the country so depressing you’re contemplating suicide?
Need a helping hand ? – no problems – just log onto our Felo-De-Se / Self-Snuffers website and get a free copy of our ‘Suicide for Dummies’ handbook.

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