Thursday, 26 March 2009

Double-Whammy Atom Bomb Survivor Gets Award

Japanese Centenarian Turbo Tamagotchi, 128, has been presented, belatedly, with the government’s coveted ‘Hibakusha’ or ‘Jammy Bastard’ award for surviving both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear bomb attacks by the United States’ ‘hearts & minds’ military in WW2.

Tamagotchi, a former asbestos fire blanket salesman, was in Hiroshima on a business trip on the 6th August 1945 when a US B52 bomber dropped the first atomic weapon.

Interviewed by the Gardening Weekly’s ‘victims of warfare’ correspondent on receipt of his award Tamagotchi related “There I was, enjoyin’ fishheads and rice for me breakfast when ‘Ka-boom!’ a bloody great flash and bang and the boardin' house disappeared – along with the rest of the fuckin’ city.”

“Luckily for me I’d read me horoscope for the 6th the previous evening which said ‘wear something fireproof’. So with the Yanks thermite bombin’ every bugger and their dog all day and night I decided to get kitted out in a pair of me sample pack asbestos overalls – just to be on the safe side.”

“Obviously I had to cancel me Hiroshima sales appointment and buggered off back home to Nagasaki. The asbestos suit was really comfy and warm – better than me pyjamas – so I kept it on, hood up too.”
“A couple of days later, I’m sat having me breakfast – fishheads and Weetabix this time – when ‘Ka-boom!’ – the arsehole Yanks drop another nuke – blow me fuckin’ bungalow all to shit and flatten the entire city as well.”

“So, there I am, surrounded by smouldering furniture, covered in soot, nowhere to live – nowhere to work – the local Jobcentre’s a pile of rubble. If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any.”
“However, by this time I’m startin’ to get a bit paranoid and developin’ some very anti-American sentiments. I’m thinkin’ “Are the Yanks after me personally – or just intent on flattenin' the whole of Japan?”

“So, I buggers off to Kyoto, to me Granny’s place – still wearin’ the asbestos suit to be on the safe side just in case the Yanks drop another nuke.”
“Next thing we know the Emperor’s surrendered, the war’s over, MacArthur’s the new Prime Minister and women get the vote.”

Asked if he returned to his old job as a salesman Tamagotchi replied “Naw, I started glowin’ in the dark every night after the Nagasaki blast so I got a job in a travelling carnival as the Human Firefly.”

Certification as a ‘Hibakusha’ atomic bomb attack survivor qualifies Japanese citizens for government compensation, including medical check-ups, a free wig, and funeral costs (burial in a lead coffin).
In Mr. Tamagotchi’s case, being a ‘Twice in One Week Lucky Git’ survivor, this will be a double indemnity award – backdated to 1945. God bless America.

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