Monday, 2 March 2009

President Rhubarbe Celebrates 185th Birthday

Zimbabwe's President-for-Ever Robert Rhubarbe is preparing to celebrate his 185th birthday at a lavish bash paid for by supporters of his ‘Hopeless Marxist Advancement’ party.
They have raised $25,000,000 for the event from the theft of white-owned farms, selling recycled land mines and ransoming kidnapped political opponents.

It is not clear whether the new PM, former opposition leader Morgan Tuti Fruti, will attend. However rumour has it that as he, alike everyone else in Zimbabwe who isn’t directly related to Rhubarbe, is going hungry, the birthday party might be just the place to put back on a few pounds with a tactical calorie binge.

However, this hideous pageant of ostentatious squandering comes just days after Zimbabwe has begged other African countries for billions of dollars to rescue its Marxist-inspired basket case economy.

M’beka O’Dinga, political columnist for the Banana Benders Gazette, just managed to report that Mr. Rhubarbe needed to get his priorities right and a lavish birthday party for himself was way down the line after feeding the population and sorting out an on-going cholera epidemic.
Mr O’Dinga’s funeral will be held at Harare’s Church of Latter Day Dictators next Tuesday.

Mr. Rhubarbe turned 185 on 21st February but his party is being held a week later while army troops clear the party’s staging area of starving peasants and the rotting corpses of cholera victims.

Party organisers say huge numbers of people will join the festivities and send presents, and make donations to Mr. Rhubarbe’s favourite charity - The Robert Rhubarbe Benevolent Fund - if they know what’s good for them.

Ms Themba Brillopad, treasurer of the fundraising committee, was quoted as saying “Dis am gonna be a great day for Zimbabwe as we am gonna celebrate de boss’s birthday an' him bein’ in charge of de country since he got done shut of dat white shitbag monkey Ian Smith.”

Mr. Rhubarbe’s ZANU party assumed power in 1980 and over the next three decades has managed to turn what was once a prosperous and successful white-run Garden of Eden Rhodesia with 100% employment into a bankrupt basket-case cholera-ridden martial law state shithole renamed as Zimbabwe.

The controversial celebrations come as Zimbabwe continues to struggle with the world's highest ever inflation, where the price of a second-hand wheelbarrow in Harare exceeds the sales ticket on a new Rolls Royce in a London showroom.

Added to the galloping inflation crisis are starvation level food shortages and a cholera epidemic which the World Health Organisation says has killed 3,894 people since August last year, with more than 84,000 people infected, which has got to be pure hell in a country that’s run out of toilet paper.

More than half the population is believed to be in need of food aid and chronically malnourished, while just 10% of adults have a regular job, with nobody, apart from Rhubarbe & Co., being paid their wages since 2007.

The new Prime Minister Mr. Tuti Fruiti - who was sworn in two weeks ago in a unity government with Mr Rhubarbe ending months of political deadlock - has said it would cost as much as $50 trillion to fix Zimbabwe's fucked up economy.

The country has recently passed round its presidential begging bowl for $2 billion in emergency aid to feed public service employees so they have the energy to do their jobs.
However Western donors have stated they are waiting for proof that the unity government is really working before sending in funds that previously went straight into President Rhubarbe’s Swiss bank account.

Were you invited to Mr. Rhubarbe’s birthday party?
Did you send him a birthday card?
Do you enjoy the extravagant display of ostentatious waste?
Did you have jello and ice cream?
How many candles did he have on his cake?
Did he blow them all out himself or did his bodyguards help?

Fill in our online questionnaire below and you could get invited to the next profligate birthday party of a brain-dead Third World tinpot dictator of your choice.

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