Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Laid Off Agency Staff Bugger Union Bosses

Enraged agency staff confronted union officials at BMW's Mini assembly plant at Twatford in Smegmadale yesterday when the carmaker confirmed 850 job cuts at the site.
Casual staff, who had been laid off with immediate effect, went totally ballistic and assaulted leaders of the Betrayals union with a variety of fruit, claiming they had been stabbed in the back.

BMW Mini sneaksperson Gilbert Ratt confirmed that the company had held discussions with Betrayals union representatives over changes to shift patterns at the plant.
"Our last priority was to communicate the lay-offs with the workforce," Ratt told reporters, “Otherwise they’d simply go into sabotage mode and fuck up all the plant’s machinery. That’s why we presented them with their DCM awards (Don’t Come Monday) as they were clocking out.”

However, the laid off agency staff were ‘hopping fucking mad’ about the way in which they were informed of their job losses.

Bernard Slime, from the union Betrayals and speaking from a Twatford hospital bed after having several apples and a mango removed from his rectum, told the industrial correspondent of the Hamster Trainer’s Gazette : "The workers obviously weren't very happy and the biggest issue was being told at the end of the shift that they’d all got the bullet and hadn't got a job to come back to."

Worker Silvia McSlapper, a 17-year old mother of three and a trainee doorknob polisher at the plant, told reporters: "I've been here for five years and I've never been sick, I've never missed work, always kissed the boss’s arse and they tell me when I’m clocking out that I've been sacked. That's not on: it’s a real cunt’s trick.”

The site will now close for a week, and weekend working has been scrapped.
The carmaker also said it had identified 150 surplus workers at its Mini plant in Scunthorpe who usually hung around in the washrooms smoking, reading newspapers and texting a Dehli-based phone sex call centre on their company cellphones. These workers are to be offered a transfer to work at its plant in Afghanistan, it added.

The government’s Minister for Skateboards & Small Cars, Sir Rupert Numpty, told reporters “It’s rather sad the Mini plant at Twatford is bringing in a new shift pattern in response to continuing volatile market conditions and cutting back to a six hour / three day working week, with an hour for lunch.”
“However, on the bright side, think of all the quality time they can enjoy down at the JobCentre with their mates, looking for part-time work.”

Worker’s spokesman Frank Scrunt, when questioned why their union representatives were sodomised with articles of fruit, told the media “The union’s fucked us in the arse over this so they got a taste of their own bleedin’ medicine.”

Tony Knothead, General Secretary of Betrayals, described the Cowley worker’s reaction as ‘disgraceful’. “They might well be pissed off at the fact the union’s known about the lay-offs for months and kept it a secret but there was no need to shove a pineapple up my arse prickly-end first. Me prize haemorrhoids are ruined.”

Do you work at the factory? Are you affected by the job cuts? Did you shove any fruit up a union rep’s arse? Would you like to see New Labour’s useless Business Secretary Pretty Peter Mandelson crucified?

Send us your comments and views using the form below so we can pass them on to the Director of Public Prosecutions.

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