Thursday, 5 February 2009

New Labour MP to be Sued for Laziness

Gordon Brown's Under-Secretary for Sickies, Ann Not-so-Keen, has been taken to court over allegations that she failed to exercise her duty to help a Crimea war veteran clear his name after a miscarriage of justice 155 years ago.

Wallace Fuctifino, 178, a retired tortoise polisher, claims he wrote more than a hundred letters to his MP asking her to help him get compensation for his wrongful conviction of stealing tuppence-worth of Gruyere in 1854 - a conviction which saw him serve seventy years in a Turkish prison.

The conviction came after three blind mice smuggled a huge quantity of contraband Swiss cheese into the Balaclava slit trench where he was sleeping, the theft of which was consequently blamed on him, but the charges and conviction were eventually quashed in 1998.
Mr. Fuctifino told court reporters “The Turkish police case were more full of bleedin’ holes than the fromage Suisse were, an’ it smelt of sweaty old socks too. The police case – not the cheese.”

Wallace Fuctifino, who developed a chronic ingrowing foreskin while fighting in the Crimea during the Charge of the Light Brigade, alleges his MP failed to act beyond writing the odd picture postcard to the Justice Secretary Baroness Scouseslag about his case twelve years ago, due her “being far too busy with more important government matters.”

Mrs. Not-so-Keen however denies the allegation, insisting she "repeatedly made representations" on Mr Fuctifino's behalf and sent numerous acknowledgements to his letters via the Royal Mail’s ‘pigeon post’ and ‘message in a bottle’ shithouse class delivery systems.

Legal experts say the case, which is being heard at the Bentplod County Court, is the first of an MP facing action for breaching their "duty of care" to a constituent by failing to get off their lazy fat arses.

While MPs have no statutory obligation to voters, the Commons code of conduct says they have a "general duty to act in the interests of the nation as a whole and a special duty to their constituents to justify their enormous expense allowances, salaries and pensions".

Mrs. Not-so-Keen made the national news headlines last year after she and her bent husband Alan Not-so-Keen, MP for Feltup and Heston-on-Vomit, used £175,000 of public money to buy a second home flat near Parliament when they already had a home just nine miles away, and never submitted a single receipt for the questionable expenditure. The revelation earned them the sobriquet "Mr And Mrs Crooked Cunt.”

Mrs. Not-so-Keen currently holds the New Labour marginal slack-arse seat for Smegmadale and Twatsworth East with 666 votes.

Mr Fuctifino, a resident of the Smegmadale Slums Retirement Complex told the Daily Shitraker "I haven't asked for the fuckin’ Earth. I just want some assistance from my elected representative to clear my name before I bleedin’ croak."

The Parliamentary Secretary for Slackarses, Candida Muffitch, was quoted as saying: "Annie Not-so-Keen has done all she could for Wallace Fuctifino without getting off her slack arse. She tried to help at the start and has been sending him a House of Commons Christmas card every Easter.”
"As recently as June 1997 she told Mr. Fuctifino that his Turkish prison governor should contact her if there was any useful action she could take.”

So kudos to Mr. Fuctifino and hopefully he wins his case, thus setting a precedent for the British public at large to sue the entire gamut of Commons MPs for being a bunch of idle overpaid tossers, squandering taxpayers funds and committing our reluctant, protesting souls to membership of the economic abortion titled the European Union, while the news headline font for RECESSION gets bigger and bolder, and further underlined, with each passing day.

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