Saturday, 7 November 2009

Big Brother Builds Armpit Sniffer

A hi-technology device that can detect human fear through the medium of ‘smelling’ it is being developed by British scientists and could soon be sniffing out the body odours of anxious terrorists – or shoplifters, welfare benefit cheats, the chronically paranoid – or simply someone who has been taken short with a dose of stomach cramps after last night’s iffy curry and crapped in their pants.

The technology relies on recognising a pheromone - or scent signal - produced in sweat when a person is ‘scared shitless’.
Researchers from the UK’s Big Brother Tavistock Institute are hoping the 'fear detector' will make it possible to identify dodgy bastards who are up to no good as they are unconsciously scanned by a proposed legion of biometric check points to be set up throughout the EU – and eventually world-wide.

Terrorists going through an airport’s Customs ‘Nothing to Declare’ green zone with a ‘dirty bomb’ nuclear device – or an excess of their permitted duty free tobacco allowance, pensioners walking their pet canines without a dog license, householders dumping any old crap in the incorrect recycling wheelie bins, motorists parking on double yellow lines, and even an adulterous hubby sexplaining the lipstick mark on his collar (or elsewhere) – all are calculated to be very fearful of being discovered.

Anoraks and beardies at the Tavistock Institute in London told a reporter from the Psychotics Gazette they are hoping to duplicate the orthologus detection mechanisms (sniff) of the actual human olfactory muscosam (nose) regarding identifying the chemical composition of both male and female axillary excretions (sweaty armpits / crotches).

Working on a supply of old smelly socks and skiddies retrieved from the laundry baskets at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Extraordinary Rendition Health and Fitness Centre the boffins hope to develop security sensor systems that can detect what they believe to be the actual human fear pheromone ‘androstadienone’ – and identify whether male or female by the cortisol hormone content of the odour.

Professor Wilton Fuctifino informed Pox News that such biometric sensors positioned strategically throughout the public arena – such as the London Underground tube train system – could set off alarm bells and pinpoint Mossad and MI6 false flag terrorists before they could blow up the 08:50 from Liverpool St. to Aldgate again – and perhaps even prevent the trigger happy plods from the Met’s incompetent CO19 firearms squad from snuffing any more Brazilian electricians by mistake for one of the Taliban Dan Gang.

Evidence that the smell of fear is an actual and genuine physical manifestation was uncovered by US scientists last year who studied the underarm secretions of twenty terrified terorist suspects waiting their turn to be water boarded and have an ‘extraordinary rendition manicure’ (finger nails pulled out with pliers) at the Guantanamo Bay Holiday Resort.

Although the research is at an early stage, the aim is to develop a prototype device in the next two to three years.

Tavistock team leader Dr. Sum Dum Fuk informed the Inquisition Quarterly that "The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemicals that give away the signature odour of human fear – and the ability to differentiate between this and someone with bad gas dropping gnarly farts as they tiptoe across an airport’s concourse.”

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