Celebrity Egocentric Jailed for Assault

One of the UK’s legion of shit-for-brains overpaid Premier League footballers broke a woman's nose with a single head butt after declaring, "Don't you know who I am? I’m an effin’ millionaire", a jury sitting at Smegmadale Assizes heard in evidence yesterday.

Scumborough Athletic striker (sic – no pun intended) Marlon Dork, 19, also "harassed and sexually touched" the woman by poking his erect penis in her ear stating “I’m gonna shag some sense into yer.”

The woman - who can’t be named for legal reasons (Candida McSlag, a 16-year old mother of three, living at 27, Kuntsford Crescent) – told the court the attack occurred in Scumborough’s Doggers Delight nightclub after she had rejected his dodgy deviant drunken advances and constituted a blatant example of "gratuitous" violence.

Mr Dork, who recently converted to Islam to enable him to legally ‘sexpand’ his growing collection of high maintenance trophy wives, denied sexual assault by touching and causing actual bodily harm – informing the court the assault had been carried out by one of his stand-in doubles – who had since fled the country back to Nigeria.

On the night of the incident, the woman had been with a group of "sporty type" friends comprising footballers, soccer journalists, vacationing Somali pirates and Albanian war criminals - but Marlon Dork was not part of their circle.

Describing the alleged sexual harassment by the accused, Rupert Thort-Nott QC, prosecuting, informed the court "They were complete strangers to each other.”
"This was not an accidental brushing or innocent contact that occasionally happens in crowded bars. This was deliberate and testosterone-fired."

Apparently the inebriated Mr. Dork had approached the seated group and declared “Do yer bitches wanna see me one-eared elephant trick?” then proceeded to pull out his right hand trouser pocket lining followed by unzipping his fly and revealing a pathetic example of flaccid manhood.

When the girls burst out laughing Mr. Dork moved off to the bar for further drinks, then returned to the seated group again, and standing behind Ms. McSlag, attempted to shove his exposed member into her ear with the comment “Say hello to me one-eyed trouser snake – I’m gonna shag some sense into yer.”

Ms. McSlag responded by shouting "Don't do that, it's not nice - stickin’ yer cock in someone’s ear – I might catch somethin’ nasty – like tinnitus or the clap.”

Dork then turned his attention to other women in the party while continuing to sexually expose himself but erupted in anger when they started laughing and commented his limp male member was ‘like a penis - only smaller’.

It was then that Dork head-butted Ms. McSlag, resulting in both police and paramedic ambulance services being summoned to the scene and Dork being arrested.

Mr. Wilbert Fuctifino QC, defending, told the court his client suffered from a narcissistic sense of self-importance further aggravated by a sociopathic celebrity disorder - wherein his ego far surpassed a very limited intellect.
Further, the vainglorious Dork had problems interacting with people who didn’t instantly recognise him as a high panjandrum of soccer or agree with his personal inflated opinion of himself.

The prison remand centre psychiatric evaluation report revealed Dork was a schizophrenic yob of limited intellect. While he was quite adept at kicking a football in the general direction of the soccer pitch goalmouth he was unfortunately equipped with the social interaction skills of a marauding Velociraptor when inebriated and not the centre of public adoration.

Summing up the prosecution’s case, Rupert Thort-Nott QC, further informed the court "This was a completely gratuitous display of violence against a slightly-built female - wholly unprovoked and not an act of lawful self-defence carried out because of Ms. McScrunt laughing at his flaccid manhood."

Marlon Dork, who usually plays an inside-out position, was on loan to Scumborough Athletic from the Premier League Scallies United team at the time of the nightclub assault against Candida McSlag, still claims he has been mistakenly identified as the assailant.

The trial continues.