Kellogg’s : Panacea Puffs Cure All

Weird and bizarre nutritional claims come and go - alongside the passage of a Millennium’s ages - and too with the flight of short fickle seasons.

Raw mammoth meat provided our cave-dwelling ancestors with the virility and stamina to survive the last Ice Age.
The spark of Renaissance intellect which kindled and illuminated the path out of the Dark Ages was struck by the introduction of durum wheat pasta – hence better nutrition gave rise to greater brain power and thus ‘Eureka!’

Until the present day these dietary myths – rooted in truth or falsehood – or total exaggeration (bullshit) – continue to thrive. Such is the old wives’ tale that deep fried Spam Fritters are a source of longevity and Olympian strength - or a spoonful of Marmite a day will keep your skin the same soft blemish-free texture as a baby’s ass.

However, as Autumn sheds her final leaves and heralds Winter’s harsh cyclic return – and the much vaunted H1N1 Sneezy Pig flu viral pandemic kicks in – according to the media and anyone else out to profit from the man-made plague – then our compromised immune systems are going to need that extra cold season boost if we wisely decide to tell our local health centre to “stick yer toxic flu jabs up yer jacksy.”

But just how to boost your immune system efficiently without daily access to sun-soaked tropical beaches or consulting expensive dieticians and nutritionalists – and resort to living off a healthy selection of green leafy shite that even a rabbit won’t touch?

How? – easy – grab a packet of Kellogg’s all-new Cocoa Krispies – freshly bannered with the preposterous claim of "Now helps support your child's immunity.”

The actual ingredients listed on the carton read ‘Rice, Sugar, Cocoa (treated with Alkali) – now WTF is ‘Alkali’? Some elixir vitae scraped off the side of a Philosopher’s Stone? A Catholicon that would render Superman immune to the effects of Kryptonite (Green variety)? Or simply some nasty snake oil toxic ingredient that ten years down the road will be banned for being a proven ‘carcinogenic’.

However, in their favour the pack does state “A crispy rice cereal sweetened with sugar and flavored (sic) with real chocolate.” Oh yes – and nothing less – ‘real chocolate’ – none of your ‘false’ chocolate here – no synthetics involved. Bollocks, no wonder the crap’s been FDA-approved – ‘real chocolate’ – it must be good for your kids.

Ah well, let’s just step back from the fantasies of Satire Land and into the realms of harsh reality again – to bless the FDA and all those parties of self-interest who sail in it.

Where else but in America is it a breach of FDA regulations – and too against the law – to state that Vitamin D (the stuff we get from that big yellow glowing ball at the centre of our solar system) is good for you and boosts immune system function – even though it’s true.

Whereas, conversely the FDA sanctions Kellogg’s Krap Cereals to publish and publicly proclaim – in banner-high letters – that their Cocoa Krispies actually boost the intrinsic worth and potential of a child’s immune system – when they don’t do anything of the sort.

Ingredients: Rice, Sugar, Cocoa (Treated With Alkali), Semi Sweet Chocolate (Sugar, Chocolate, Dextrose), Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil One or more of: Coconut, Cottonseed and Soybean), Salt, Malt Flavoring, Calcium Carbonate, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Ascorbic Acid and Sodium Ascorbate (Vitamin C), Iron, Niacinamide, Artificial Flavor, Zinc Oxide, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride (Vitamin B6), Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Thiamin Hydrochloride (Vitamin B1), Vitamin A Palmitate, Folic Acid, Bht (Preservative), Vitamin D and Vitamin B12 - less than 0.5G Trans Fat Per Serving.

Hmmm, and that crap – chock full of synthetic vitamins - collectively boosts a kid’s immune system – with galloping diabetes in every spoonful?

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Now it really makes me worry to read that - on the side of a pack of simple and wholesome breakfast cereal that the FDA have – supposedly - carried out extensive personal taste tests on and duly approved as being fit for human consumption after it was found rats and mice enjoyed it.