Thursday, 12 November 2009

PM Brown – a Suitable Case for Treatment

Now, not only do we have Posh Dave Cameron and his Tory scumsters picking on poor old Gordon Brown – the Stalinist Slime Minister nobody voted for – but he’s getting it in the neck from all and sundry and can’t seem to do anything right for doing wrong.

Gordon, as a politician, has been up shitcreek without a paddle since taking over from top sleazebag Tony Bliar, and made his first monumental faux pas in the House of Conmans last December when defending New Labour’s bankrupt banks rescue strategy when he got involved in a verbal fencing match with the ridiculous Cameron, became tongue-twisted and proclaimed, as the Tory benches collapsed into gales of derisive laughter "I not only saved the world... " – instead of “I saved the world’s banks” – albeit perhaps a prophetic Freudian slip for some future miracle he intends to perform.

Yeah, we all know Gordon’s a die-hard porridge wog with the personality of a landfill site and is as much fun as a course of chemotherapy, but regardless he’s still the PM and deserves more respect – even if he has proved himself to be an incompetent bungler who’s going to be booted out of Number Ten on his proverbial arse come the 2010 General Election.

Gordie got blamed and castigated all round in the House of Conmans and the Lords – plus was that week’s ‘face-on-the-dartboard’ for Whitehall’s Mandarins - for bringing the disgraced New Labour pariah and serial fuck-up Peter Scandalson back from exile in Brussels, dubbing him with a Life Peerage for his past crimes – Lord Vermin in Ermine no less – then appointed the sleazy twat to the post of PM number 2 in waiting – as Business Secretary with Cabinet portfolio - but all the while the hapless Broon was only obeying the commands of his Master : Baron Jaakoff Rothshite.

Now, this past week, the shit’s hit the fan big time and he’s catching flack from every bugger and their dog – this time for his dodgy schoolboy handwriting of all things.

Apparently 16-year-old Guardsman Jimbo Fennington-Kuntt of the Army’s 21st Cannon Fodder Brigade, who hailed from Dorksford at Smegmadale-on-Sea, was killed by an explosion in October while on foot patrol around Afghanistan's Bellend Province and he inadvertently decided it would be a ‘chummy’ sort of thing to wave at a passing US Predator drone – which dropped a nasty cluster bomb next to him in response.

As is customary the PM personally wrote the soldier’s mother offering condolences for her loss, but on this occasion Gordon’s hastily scribbled message read “Sorry ter hear yer son Kunt has copped it – the personal injury insurance cheque will be in the post as soon as I get Scandalson ter sign it. All the breast fer Christmas – love n kisses, Gordon.”

Mrs Fennington-Kuntt told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker she was ‘deeply mortified’ by the lack of empathy displayed in the PM’s composition and horrified that he had spelt her son’s name incorrectly – with a single ‘t’.

Apparently Brown telephoned the bereaved mother to apologise but was told to ‘eff' off and go f*ck a pig’ - and that she was voting UKIP at the next election.

The prime minister has previously admitted problems with impaired eyesight affecting his reading and writing as the result of a school sports injury suffered when he was skull-fucked by the opposing St. Sodoms rugby team for being such a wimp in a kilt.

Next on the public shit list agenda was Gordie’s massive faux pas during last Sunday’s Remembrance Day parade and commemoration event at the Cenotaph in London, to mark the anniversary of the Armistice and end of World War One.

Gordon walked to the Cenotaph to lay a wreath on behalf of all the lads at New Labour party headquarters and transgressed the unwritten law – he never bowed as he dumped the ritual ringlet of ivy leaves and poppies on the cold white marble – to the angst and horror of the viewing British public.

However, according to a statement later released by Downing Street the reason Gordon didn’t bow was due the fact that every time he does so his glass eye falls out and rolls off into the distance.

Not yet done with kicking the hapless clot while he’s down the British gutter press have now jumped on the Broon’s new early morning pastime – jogging around Whitehall.

The Broon – as a lad - was once a runner-up in the Midlothian Caber Tossing championships (hence his reputation as a ‘tosser’) but has this past decade degenerated into a most overweight and unfit 58 year-old – being totally knackered physically due his chronic rhubarb and porridge addictions.

Tabloid press photos and YouTube footage of Gordie’s agonised face - sweat collecting by the bucketload in his cavernous eye bags - puffing and panting away after the first fifty meters - only served to demonstrate he’s only a couple of steps away from a massive coronary or a stroke – most definitely well past his sell-by date and due for retirement.

Obviously the Broon has got physical fitness confused with fitness for office – a misconception that’s seen us end up with other political dildos and clots like California Governor Arnie Squashanigger.

The accompanying close-in security detail not even breaking a sweat merely underlines the obvious sad fact that our man Broon prefers curling mugs of cocoa and snatching jaffa cakes to military style press ups.

So, is all well that ends well? Not likely – for Gordon’s next trick to continue the week with yet another major fubar was a trip to Germany to celebrate the 20th anniversay of the fall of ‘Communism’ and the Berlin Wall.

Gordie, it must be remembered, was himself once a committed die-hard Commie who founded the Marxist-orientated Kirkaldy Halitosis Society after gaining his PhD in Window Cleaning from Glasgow’s prestigious Gorbals College for Latter Day Scallies – until being inducted into the Scottish Labour Party as a junior doormat in 1983.

However, in Berlin, Brown once again failed to engage brain before opening mouth, and while standing next to U2 frontman Bonehead at a press conference podium, told reporters “What happened here two decades ago today when thousands of you Krauts fled the East German shithole and streamed into West Berlin demonstrates that no one can ever again imprison a people who know what it is to be free – and you shouted in unison at Erich Honecker – “See you Jimmy!”

''This evil political wall was torn down not by the demands of political leaders, not by dictat from on high, not by the force of military might but by the greatest force on Earth - the unbreakable spirit of men and women wanting to be free and have their own country back from under the jackboot of oppression.”

''You all knew in your hearts that while brute force and dictatorial ignorance has the temporary power to dominate, it can never ultimately succeed.”

''Let me congratulate you for showing that in a troubled world with an Africa in poverty, and a Darfur in agony, a Somalia run by pirates, a Zimbabwe in tears, a Burma in chains – and a Palestine fucked up like a soup sandwich - individuals even when in pain need not suffer forever without hope.”

Broon’s speech drew some disturbed looks from Israeli politicians and Jewish leaders who were also attending the ceremony – with the Broon rumoured to have received a mammoth bollocking via telephone from a most irate Baron Jaakoff Rothslime following the press conference to the effect of : “Wot the fuck are yer up ter Gordon - yer porridge-brained git – whose side are you on?”
“Woz that wee speech yer just made aimed at stirring up those bastard Palestinians around Gaza and the West Bank ter go inter total anarchy mode an’ tear down our Great Apartheid Wall wot we had built ter keep the pricks outa our territory?”

(While Berlin's wall ran for 155 kilometers. Israel's has now reached 650. The average height of the Berlin Wall was 3.6 meters and Israel's stands at 8).

Concluding on a brighter note, back in London the Auschwitz Hamlets-based ‘Justice for Palestine’ group applauded Gordie’s speech as a political first that really illuminated Israel’s racist policies concerning their ever-expanding ‘Segregation Wall’ and the marginalisation of the Muslim residents of Jerusalem, Gaza and the West Bank – and would hopefully be the critical mass catalyst to induce a chain reaction and incite the Palestinians to react alike the Berliners and ‘tear the wall down and take their country back.”

Following Broon’s Berlin speech, in the West Bank town of Qalandiya a group of masked Palestinian activists went to work with sledge hammers and picks and demolished a ten meter section of the offending wall before being snuffed by IDF snipers.

Brilliant move Gordon – you’ve earned my vote simply by default.

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