Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Control Freak Heads Met Plod Squad

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Metropolitan Plod Squad Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson recently committed a major faux pax by confiding in a HM Prisons inspector that he is "rather fond of villains going to prison".
However, unbeknown to him, the afore-mentioned inspector, who wishes to remain anonymous (Mr Bernard Blabberwocky of 28, Fink Street, Stoolie Hamlets, Smegmadale) also acts as an undercover whistleblower for the Ox-Rat snitch and grassers charity.

Stephenson’s comments follow Justice Secretary Fat Ken Clarke's call for prison reforms to develop alternatives to jail – such as the reintroduction of transportation to the colonies – Iraq or Afghanistan – or bring back capital punishment for all pre-meditated crimes - such as double parking, shoplifting and deliberate acts of negligence to scoop the poop when taking Fido for walkies.
The grossly corpulent Clarke has also stated for the public record that in his unqualified opinion it is "virtually impossible" to rehabilitate offenders on short sentences – hence justifying the need for more prisons.

The arrogant Met’ Commissioner has since told the BBC’s Radio One ‘Dogwankers’ programme that he approved of longer prison terms for crimes such as murder, which can now carry sentences of less than 12 months.
However, when asked if he agreed that fewer people should go to prison, he replied "Don't forget what my mission in life is: save lives and prevent crimes – and I'm rather fond of scallies going to prison. I rather like sitting at my PC in an evening, viewing the paedo’ websites and naughty images of little boys and girls in cages while playing with myself and fantasising about hairy-arsed convicts being locked away and having to bugger each other.”
"I think in order to protect the public, serious and persistent criminals such as embezzling MP’s - and Tony Bliar - need to be put in prison and throw away the proverbial keys.”

Penal reform critics were quick to jump on Stephenson’s case following the BBC Dogwankers programme broadcast, with prominent clinical psychologist Fellattia van der Gamm opining to the media “This man has a chronic personality disorder and isn’t fit to hold such an official position of authority – declaring he gets off on the thought of people being locked away behind bars. This is definitely a bondage fetish he’s nurturing – quite possibly a suppressed sexual fantasy desire to have a Dominatrix control him in tight restraints and flagellate him until he confesses some minor infraction of the unwritten rules. The man is an obvious pervert with a kink for BD/SM themed punishments.”

Stephenson’s wife, interviewed by one reporter from the Daily Shitraker following a sherry morning at the Townswomen’s Guild, admitted that her husband had some ‘strange’ habits.
“His mother once mentioned before we got married that Paul had a control freak thing about locking things up and used to spend hours sitting there squeezing his crotch and watching the goldfish swimming around in its bowl.”

”I mean, I enjoy kinky sex as much as the next menopausal housewife but when he started wanting me to wear handcuffs and lock me up in the garden shed all weekend I put my foot down with a firm hand. Especially so when I caught him with his trousers down and jacking off in the front room one night – stood there with his cock in hand, having a tug in front of the budgie’s cage and repeating over and again “Polly can’t get out – Polly’s a lifer! Polly can’t get out – Polly’s a lifer!”

Do you like locking things up? Does your hamster ever get out on parole? Do you get an erection when you chain the dog to his kennel? Do you own any ‘Prison Break’ series DVDs?

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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