Monday, 30 August 2010

Cricket Stewards Labelled ‘Spoonatics’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Two Smegmadale pensioners – both retired school teachers - have criticised HSE regulations and the excessive use of anti-terrorism laws for being refused entry to a cricket match because they were carrying metal spoons.

Smegmashire County Cricket Club fans Hilda and Wilf Fuctifino, both 96 years old last birthday, had innocently added a couple of metal dessert spoons to a picnic hamper to eat their strawberries and cream while watching Glamorgan's NatWest Pro 40 tie at Colwyn Bay in Welsh Wales.

Hilda Fuctifino spoke to a reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette, explaining what had occurred. "When we got to the ground there was a bag search at the gate, which wasn't surprising considering the fundamentalist Islamic militant crazies attacked the Sri Lankan cricket team last year in Lahore.”

“Anyway, these two scruffy-looking guards wearing hi-viz Renta-Thug Security Agency jackets open up our picnic hamper and the one with the ‘McTwat’ ID badge holds up the two spoons and looks at Wilf then says “Ello, ello, ello – wot ‘ave we ‘ere then? – a set of offensive Ninja weapons no less. Do you ‘ave any other concealed weapons about your person?”

"The next thing, McTwat’s androgynous companion – purportedly female and bearing a badge with the name Candida Mingerot on her lapel, pointed to the spoons and shouts “Yer can’t bring those in here, missus cos they’re metal an’ yer might stab some sod wiv ‘em.”

"This butch dyke ‘Spoonatic’ then started rooting around in the hamper and took exception to the three small Tuppaware tubs, one with tea, one with sugar and one with powdered milk – speculating aloud in a sarcastic tone that they could be mixed together to make a high explosive – to which I replied in exasperation “Yes, and also mixed together to make a cup of tea!” "I was absolutely astounded – where do they find these morons."

“Then Wilf lost his cool and – blood pressure be damned - demanded “What do you think two pensioners are going to do with a couple of dessert spoons – hijack the fucking wickets? For Christ’s sake – spoons now constitute offensive weapons while you have blokes down there wandering around with cricket bats and you think Hilda and I are going to do someone in with a spoon – or kick start World War Three?"
“That was about the time the local Plod Squad arrived on the scene and arrested him for a breach of Section 8’s ‘Asking Awkward Questions’ statute of the Domestic Terrorism Act 2009.”

Do you like strawberries and cream? Do you carry a concealed spoon on your person? Would you stoop to the undignified practice of eating summer seasonal fruits with a plastic spork?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free bag of ashes – composed of the cremated remains of one ball, one set of wickets and bails – and a couple of numpty security guards.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of strawberries went uneaten.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and particles of moron.

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